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May 7, 2012 

RESET: Identifying Personal Values & Creating Your Mission Statement

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Today is May 7th, which marks almost a quarter of the way through the month, and almost a quarter of the way through the 31 Day Reset Challenge! After a busy Friday and Saturday, I had to play catch-up with my last few assignments, but I’m back on track! So far, the exercises have been extremely insightful, and have really made me look at things and think about things differently.

The past few assignments have centred around personal values – the things in life that are important to us, and the things that we hold dear. The first step on Day 4 was to identify the things in life that we value – a few of mine were “optimal health and wellness”, “traveling”, “financial success & security”, and “inspiring and empowering others”. From the list of approximately 20 that I wrote down, the next step was to then create my Reset 10 list – selecting the top 10 values.

On Day 5, we took it a step further. First, I had to review my Reset 10 and rate myself on a scale from 1-10 on how well I was embracing or living up to that value. “Maintaining a happy marriage” rated a 9, “optimal health and wellness” rated a 4, and “owning a beautiful home” rated 1 (hey, we all gotta start somewhere!). It was at this point that I took an honest look at what was important to me, and just how well I was or wasn’t doing at upholding that importance. It’s quite easy to write a list of all the things we value in life, but it’s much more difficult to hold that list up to real life and see how it compares. Not rating myself highly on owning a home wasn’t a terrible thing, seeing as how I’m just starting out on the path to home ownership. However, other items that weren’t rated so highly gave me the sads, and further reminded me that I was WELL overdue for a change.

Part 2 of Day 5 focused on values in action – for each value, we had to identify 3 things we would do to be actively engaged within them. For “optimal health and wellness” I wrote workout regularly, eat well, and de-stress. For “do fulfilling work” I wrote work somewhere that fits my values, build more as an entrepreneur, and find ways to help others. My sads started to fade away at this point – putting my values into action gave me a bit of a game plan on what to do in order to live up to my values. Items that were rated 1′s or 2′s weren’t dead ends – it was just a starting point, and there was literally nowhere to go but up!

I patiently awaited my Day 6 email this morning, and wondered what we were going to do next with our values. I got my answer when the email arrived – the next task was to create a personal mission statement. A great definition of personal mission statement was provided by the personal development site Dumb Little Man:

Your personal mission statement should be a concise representation of what’s most important to you, what you desire to focus on, what you want to achieve, and, ultimately, who you want to become. In its purest form, it’s an approach to your life, one that allows you to identify a focus of energy, creativity, and vision in living a life in support of your inner-most beliefs and values. Also remember that your mission will change over time as you and your life change.

From there, I took my various values and drew up what I consider to be my personal mission statement:

My mission in life is to live the dream. In all areas, I plan to make my aspirations a reality, and live the type of life that I have always imagined. Above all, I value wellness, happiness, love, fulfillment, and success. I honour optimal holistic health & wellness in mind, body, and soul. I honour my marriage by maintaining open communication, honesty, support, laughter, love, and fun with my husband. I honour my family and friendships by maintaining closeness and always being there for each other. I honour the impact I will leave on the world by doing work that fulfills me, that inspires and empowers, and that allows me to use my skills and experiences to help others. I embrace my entrepreneurial spirit and my artistic spirit, and will create my own success. I embrace financial success & stability, traveling, and having the perfect home to return to after a long day. Positivity, prayer, faith, and breaking the rules when necessary – all of these things will help me to live the dream.

Yes, it’s a mouthful, and no, I don’t plan on memorizing it any time soon – but I could see how reading this first thing in the morning may help me to get the day started off right! After creating my personal mission statement, I’m more motivated than ever. Time to live up to my values!

If you’re part of the 31 Day Reset Challenge, let me know! Are you enjoying it so far? Whether you’re in the challenge or not, what do you think about creating a personal mission statement?

Don’t forget my Bee-Day celebrations going down this Friday at Fashionably Late’s Timeline party – Dazzling Lounge, 291 King Street W. is the location! The only gift I need is your presence!

May 2, 2012 

RESET: The 31 Day Reset Your Life Challenge

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For me, the month of May brings a lot of great things. Between the start of really beautiful spring/summer weather and the new year celebration that is my birthday (I’m celebrating on May 11th at Fashionably Late Fridays – be there!), I usually have a great time in May. May means new beginnings, rebirth, and rejuvenation, and I plan to go all the way this month. I feel like this birthday, this new year, is the signal of an epic year to come in the life of Bee, and I want to herald it in the right way. Lucky for me, I found out about Rosetta Thurman’s 31 Days To Reset Your Life Challenge, and signed up right away!

Rosetta Thurman is an inspiration. Blogger, web whiz, and leadership consultant – she quit her non-profit career and has built a niche for herself as a successful entrepreneur. I subscribe to her Facebook page, and when I saw her post about the kick-off of the 31 day challenge, I had to learn more.

The 31 Days To Reset Your Life Challenge is a “virtual life coaching program”, designed for:

anyone who wants to manifest a change in their life, design a more fulfilling existence, make room for new possibilities or simply gain more clarity about their path to happiness and success. This challenge will especially be of benefit to you if you’ve felt stuck or in a rut during the last year.

Manifest a change, did you say? Stuck or in a rut, did you say? As soon as I read this, I felt like Rosetta had been peeking through my window. I signed up and patiently awaited my 1st of 31 emails – each day, we will be sent emails with exercises or assignments to help us manifest that change, or to get unstuck and out of that rut.

Today’s assignment was a 3-parter. Get a notebook. Pick your motto. Choose your theme song.

My notebook? I’ve got it. Even though I use this blog as a space to write about some personal things, you best believe I have a journal! This one has been with me for at least 2 years, on and off – and it’s the best one for me to use for this challenge.

My motto? This one took me a while to come up with, but I finally got it. “Step out on nothing, land on something”. I’ve been struggling a lot with maintaining faith. Glimmers of it come back here and there, but 2012 has been tough so far with keeping positive in spite of transitions or setbacks. I’m also a bit of a control freak. I started reminding myself to “step out on nothing, and land on something” when I was hesitating taking a chance, or when I was doubting myself that things would work out. I’ll admit, I’m not fully living in a space of undeniable and uncontested faith, but I’m working on it. I figured I’d use this motto to seal the practice in my mind over the next month, so we’ll see how things go…

My theme song? Chile – I had it picked out this morning before I even signed up for the Challenge (sorry, but this one has cussin’ – I like to stay authentic):

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I have a lot of theme songs – I likely would have chosen “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley because I use that song to soothe my frazzled and stressed nerves on a weekly basis. However, this Watch The Throne track motivates me to jump higher, run faster, and be better. I can’t explain it, but this song just gets me hyped and ready to take on the world. I have a lot of dreams and goals, so the “Who Gon’ Stop Me?” mentality is one I need to maintain.

My May 1st assignment is done. As you read this, I’ll likely be working on my May 2nd exercise. We’ll see how I’m doing by the end of the month! I don’t think it’s too late to join – check details here, and learn more about Rosetta at her sites Happy Black Woman and Rosetta Thurman.

Are you joining in on the Challenge? Have you ever done something like this before? If so, did you stick it out to the end, or did you fall off? I’ll be checking in with you all as the next 30 days unfold, so keep me accountable!

 

March 8, 2012 

I Honour You: Happy International Women’s Day!

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For those who weren’t aware, March is International Women’s History Month, and today is widely recognized as International Women’s Day. I knew I wanted to write a post to commemorate the day, but when I really sat and thought about it, I had NO clue on how to discuss something as complex, wondrous, and beautiful as being a woman.

Do I take this time to highlight the achievements of women in history? Do I take this time to talk about the pros and cons of being a woman in today’s North American society? Those topics could be entire blogs on their own, and I’m in a more free-flow writing mood, not a research and edit one. When I thought about how I wanted to recognize this day, I realized the best way for me to do that would be to recognize the women in my life. I’m a huge proponent of sisterhood, support, and friendship among women, and wished we did more to embody those traits with one another. I wrote a previous post about sisterhood, but I’d like to take it a step further today. If you’ll allow me this moment, I’d like to tell you about the women I’m honouring for International Women’s Day:

  • I honour my sisterfriends: the women who truly understand what love, support, and consistency mean. No flakes in my space and no squares in my circle.
  • I honour my blood sister, whose individuality and creativity inspires me to live life the way I want to.
  • I honour the mothers who are raising the next generation, who are giving selflessly, and who are raising their children with the intent to make this world a better place.
  • I honour the women who shattered glass ceilings or kicked in a door or two to make things easier for me.
  • I honour the mentors who are not stingy with their guidance, who are not threatened by other bright women, and who are willing to teach, share, and motivate.
  • I honour the women who dare to take risks, make their own rules, and create the lives that they’ve always dreamed of.
  • I honour my female ancestors who raised children, supported husbands, and helped to bring home the bacon and the eggs and the goat and the donkey…
  • I honour the women who haven’t given up on love.
  • I honour the women who realize the glaring flaws in the statement “I just don’t get along with other females.”
  • I honour my mother, who is like a goddess to me. Her effect on my life cannot be described, but I live to make her proud and to know that her work has never been in vain.
  • I honour myself: I am becoming the woman I always envisioned I would be – no, an even better version of that vision. I love myself and trust in my capabilities, strength and intelligence in ways that I almost never thought possible.
  • I honour those who truly honour us. The world is full of enemies, but I honour the allies that us women have.

This International Women’s Day, let’s take the time to honour each other. Have dinner with your closest girlfriends. Call and check up on your mother, sister, or other close female relative. Compliment another woman. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re the bees’ damn knees. Men, you can do the same today – if there is a woman in your life that you love, support, or admire, let her know.  As is usually discussed during holidays and other specially assigned days, we should express these sentiments every day – but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging International Women’s Day in a way that inspires us to continue beyond March 8th.

Happy International Women’s Day! Who are the women that you honour? What is your wish for women? That we become more supportive to one another? That we acquire further equality? That we actually get to control our own reproductive health (yes – I’ve been watching a lot of the U.S. birth control pill/abortion debate)? Share it!

March 6, 2012 

Stress Management: Easier Said Than Done – But It CAN Be Done

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How good are you at managing your stress levels? I’ll be honest with y’all – I’m HORRIBLE at it.

As I’ve gone through life, I’ve been able to recognize that I’m good at a lot of things – but stress management is something that I struggle with constantly. It’s not until you begin to suffer the physical and mental consequences of stress that you realize how vital proper management is, but it’s definitely something that is easier said than done, isn’t it?

The consequences of poor stress management are never-ending. Migraines, chest pain, insomnia. Anxiety, depression, anger issues. Over/under eating, panic attacks, drug abuse. The negative effects of stress attack you across physical, mental, and emotional spheres, but what can we do about it? Even better, is there a way to minimize the amount of stress we feel in our day-to-day lives? I’ve been reading a few articles from the Mayo Clinic, and found them to be very helpful to me in improving my stress management.

The first step is to identify your sources of stress. Stressors are all around us, and there is little we can do to completely eliminate those factors from our lives. However, identifying what your particular stressors are is the first step in proper management. Take a pen and paper and think about what stresses you. Write the first things that come to mind, then review your list. Do you have acute (or immediate) stressors, like work annoyances or stress around unexpected events? Do you have chronic (or longterm) stressors like money worries or family problems? Are your stressors external or internal? Once you’re able to categorize your stressors, you can start to do something about them.

Categorizing was always the easy part for me. Doing something about them? Therein lies the struggle.

I used to fall into defeatist mode with my stressors. There was a time when my stressors either seemed entirely out of my control, or played a cruel game of “one step forward, two steps back” when I tried to tackle them. Managing my stress became just another source of stress, and I worked myself into an unhealthy pattern with really bad after-effects. Panic attacks. Heart flutters. A pseudo-epileptic episode that turned out not to be epilepsy at all – but left me with a propensity to have strange muscle spasms when stressed. Shedding hair, erratic mood swings, and migraines all added to the mix, which made me a not-too-fun person to be around. High stress can also lead me down the road to depression, so when I realized I was isolating myself and choosing to sleep instead of live my life, I knew I had to find some kind of coping strategy.

I’ve since implemented a few different strategies in managing my stress:

  • accept what you can’t control, and change what you can: I hated my job, so I started looking for a new one. I couldn’t stand my boss, but while I worked for her I used other coping methods to get through the day. The same idea goes for toxic people, environments, or situations. Accept what you can’t control, and change what you can.
  • focus on what you have, not what you lack: it was way too easy to fall into depression or anxiety when I focused on my problems. When I started embracing the good things (starting off with not getting out of bed until I felt real gratitude that I woke up that morning), things got a bit easier. When I focused on the good, I started seeing more good in my life, which minimized the bad.
  • remove emotion and think logically: there are many times when I have to take a step back from the stress-induced sadness and anger, and really think rationally about my situation. This is when I’m able to do the best planning for how I’ll get myself out of the situation that’s stressing me. Trying to make a plan in the midst of emotional overload leads to the most over-the-top solutions that will NEVER work in the real world, but WILL make me laugh after the fact.
  • find your sanctuary and cry: I’ll admit it – there are days when it gets to be too much, and I just have to let it out. I sit on my balcony, I sit in my car, or I walk down to a park down the street from my office and let it go.
  • talk to someone: I have my mom, my husband, and 3 close girlfriends that I turn to when I’m stressed. Not only do they give me new perspectives that help steer me in a new direction, but they also just listen to me when I need nothing else but an ear. Talking to someone can also mean calling a crisis line, utilizing your company’s Employee Assistance Program, or speaking with a counselor or other mental health professional. Never be ashamed to seek help.
  • get physical: when the going gets tough, the tough get going – sometimes you just need to blow off steam in a physical way. Yoga is great for rejuvenating and calming you. Kickboxing is awesome for imagining your boss’ head on the pads working out your frustrations. Sex is amazing for…well, sex is just amazing. Get it (safely) and get it often.

For me, things like having a good cry and getting physical help in the short term, and the accept/change and the have/have not models help in the long term. I’ll be the first to admit, however, that it’s much easier said than done. In order to realize how important good stress management is, you sometimes have to cross that line into scary stress territory and see what your alternatives are. Hopefully, by identifying your stressors, using coping methods, and plotting strategies to deal with or overcome your stressors, you’ll be able to get on the path to good stress management. I never think of stress management as a destination to be reached, but a journey we’ll be on for the rest of our lives. You never know what’s around the corner, so develop the tools now in order to handle whatever life may throw at you later.

Are you good at handling your stress? Have you ever suffered from negative after-effects due to severe stress? What are your triggers? An example of my acute stressor would be any kind of mess (dishes in the kitchen? clothes not put away? yeah, NO), and a chronic stressor would be navigating my career path. I’ve got to do different things to manage the different kinds of stress…what do you do to deal with your stress?

February 6, 2012 

Life Balance = Self Balance: Find & Use Your Outlets!

Photo via triwest.com

Did y’all have a good weekend? I definitely did…and still technically am, since I’m writing this on Sunday afternoon :) A full review is to come, but I spent the weekend getting back in touch with my love of the arts. On Friday, Homieloverfriend and I went to the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre’s show at the Sony Centre for Performing Arts. Amazing. On Saturday, I rolled solo to the Caribbean Tales/TIFF Gala and Screening of Better Mus Come. In-damn-credible. Add my special somebody’s birthday dinner at Big Daddy’s Bourbon Street Bistro & Oyster Bar, and I’ve been a happy camper thus far. This morning the sunshine woke me up and I found myself going for a run to train for my upcoming 10K, and shortly I’ll be heading out to an annual Super Bowl extravaganza with some close friends. I’m already looking into the future and predicting that by the time y’all are reading this, I’ll be in my office at my 9-5, smiling as I reminisce on the weekend’s events.

This is not a weekend review post. What this is, is a reminder post – something that I became reacquainted with this weekend, that I think I need to remind you of in case you’ve forgotten. This past weekend reminded me of the importance of outlets, and how much we need to be aware of the other things that make us US. Far too often, we get accustomed to being defined by our job titles and our family roles. However, I’m sure if you look inside yourself, you’ll find other things that make you more than a “nurse and mother of 3″ or a “financial analyst and husband”.

Am I saying that our job titles and family roles are not important? Not at all! What I am saying is that it is all too common for us to get crunched into sometimes-restricting boxes. Problems start when the stress of these responsibilities get too high, and we don’t know how to cope because we haven’t focused on the other parts of ourselves. Having an outlet (or 2 or 3) gives you a way to blow off steam while getting in touch with other interests, skills, and passions that you may have put on the back burner.

For me, my outlets are the arts, fitness, and friendship – but I find that I utilize them in different ways.

Photo via guardian.co.uk

When I’m burnt-out – stressed, annoyed, and THISCLOSE to snapping my last good nerve – I look towards fitness and friends to help me. Going for a run, doing some yoga, or even just banging out a 15 minute workout on my Nike Training Club app gets the bad vibes out. Calling up a girlfriend or getting together with a good group of homies always helps me to release the stress and remind myself of the good things in life.

I find that engaging in the arts, whether it’s writing, attending a dance show, going to an art exhibit, or watching a short film fills me with something extremely rejuvenating and inspiring. I could be in a great mood already – but let me step into a dance studio or take a trip to the ROM, and my happiness is expanded exponentially. I’m sure it’s tied to my childhood, since I went to an arts elementary school from grades 4-8. During those formative years, I danced, sang, played the violin and piano, acted (my star role was as Nick Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream in grade 5), painted, sculpted, and learned art history. I TOTALLY took my experiences for granted during those years, but now see just how enriched my life was with the arts. After the shows I went to this weekend, I almost feel like I have a reserve of good vibes inside of me to bolster me against the stresses of “getting back to reality” this week in the office. On top of that, I’ve been reminded that I am a good dancer, I could probably pick up a violin today and still play, and I was a damn good Nick Bottom! Indulging in the arts reminds me that there is more to me than just what’s on my resume.

A special note to you parents: I’m not yet a parent, but I was a child. I remember my Mother constantly saying some variation of “You guys are my life” and “Everything I do is for you”. She was always a happier, more balanced, and more interesting Mom when she was doing things for herself, that she enjoyed – and once she got over the irrational guilt of thinking that doing something for herself = neglecting us, we were a more fulfilled family unit. Parenting is a huge, vital societal role…but if you lose yourself in it, your children will sense that. Don’t forget about YOU!

So, what about you? Have you ever seriously considered the other things you’re good at that add to your identity? Is there something that indulges and fulfills you – your life’s own slice of red velvet cake? What can you do to help blow off steam at the end of the day? Life has stressors at every turn – arm yourself with the best possible outlets to help you live a more balanced life!

January 25, 2012 

“Stupid H*es” vs. Sisterhood: Which Do You Choose?

Over the past weekend, my Twitter was blowing up with folks commenting on Nicki Minaj’s new video, called “Stupid Hoe.” The majority of the tweets trashed the song, so just like a car accident, I had to slow down and take a look. Please note: I won’t be wasting space by posting the video here. Hit up your local YouTube to check it out.

Now, the song and video seems to be a Li’l Kim diss, but in general could be directed towards any “hoe” who isn’t as pretty as the “b*tches in [her] posse.” I think I went deaf after the repeated hook of “F*ck a stupid hoe/you a stupid hoe,” and cringed at the thought of how many young girls (and even worse: grown women) who would take this up as their personal theme song.

As women, we’re living in interesting times right now. In one day, we can listen to “Stupid Hoe”, watch Black Girls Rock, receive a compliment from a woman in the mall, and get some serious cut-eye from another on the subway. We can watch old episodes of Girlfriends, then turn around and watch the newest episode of Love & Hip Hop/Real Housewives of Atlanta/Basketball Wives. I see way more status updates on Facebook about “hatin’ b*tches” than I see photos of groups of women enjoying each other’s company. Messages are being mixed these days – gather 2 or more Black women together, and what will happen? Will we be clinking glasses and celebrating each others’ successes, or will we start scrapping over a perceived insult?

I think it’s easier for us to create comfortable distances between each other by relying on the “hater” crutch. It’s easier for us to avoid disappointment by using that tired line of “I just don’t get along well with other females.” I’ll admit to doing both of these things in the past, but I’ve made a conscious effort to change my way of thinking. I don’t know about every other woman, but I feel much better going out into the world without heavy armour to shield me from what I think other women want to do to me. Screwfacing cramps my jaw muscles, and wondering if a side glance from another chick means she’s got a problem with me is tiring.

This doesn’t mean that I’m trying to create a sister circle where we meet up weekly to sing Kumbaya – there are a lot of people in the world who are jealous of you, ready to steal from you, lie to you, and come at you with negativity, but I choose not to assume that that’s everyone anymore. I’ve had amazing interactions with some of the women who read this blog. I’ve met some awesome, like-minded women through Twitter and Meetup groups like Toronto Naturals and Toronto Women of Colour. I’ve struck up some nice convos with strangers on the subway just by complimenting a sista’s hair or outfit. I used to do this totally introverted thing of not saying hello to someone I’ve met once before, because I always thought they wouldn’t remember me – now I try to reach out and hope I don’t sound like I’m dropping a pickup line by saying “Hey, haven’t we met before?”

I keep a tight core group of friends, but there’s nothing wrong with expanding your circle. I’ve had more fun, more laughs, and more great opportunities when I’ve taken that step to engage with other women in a positive way. We need to offer each other more support and stop looking at each other as competition. Hopefully we can start to develop more positivity and sisterhood, and less relegating each other to “Stupid Hoe” status.  Can we do that, or am I living in a fairy tale land?

What do y’all think? How do you view the communication between women, especially Black women, in Toronto or your city? Why do you think so many women choose to see each other as enemies instead of allies? And does anyone else agree that this whole Nicki Minaj/Li’l Kim beef is played out? Goodness…

January 6, 2012 

Doers & Talkers: Which One Are You?

One week into the new year, and already a clear divide has been created amongst people I know.

On one side, we have the Talkers: folks that my homie Lincoln spoke about recently who have been hollering about New Year’s Resolutions since before Dec. 31st, but have done nothing to move forward. For example, a distant acquaintance (I swear) who has “sworn off triflin’ men”….but is still creeping around with a married dude in the Twenty Twelve. Then, we have the Doers. People who have made both realistic and lofty goals, but are taking concrete steps to achieving them. Case in point, my girl Rowena who has signed up to run a 10K later this year.

Where do I fall? Maybe somewhere in the middle. But that’s where you guys come in! Whenever I’m super serious about something, I have to tell at least one other person so that they can hold me to it. Not only do I have someone who can hold me accountable, but I have someone to keep me in check if I start to get too hard on myself. On last year’s vision board, I wrote “be your biggest defender, not just your biggest critic”, but it’s still something I struggle with. This year, I’m super duper serious about a few things. That’s why I thought to bring a few of my intentions to the blog as the ultimate step in accountability. Not only have I created my 2012 vision board, not only have I told a few of these special things to some key folks, but just to really drive the point home, I’m going to immortalize my goals right here, right now. In front of you all.

Yes, I’m being a dramatic heffa. Just roll with it.

DOIN’ IT AND DOIN’ IT AND DOIN’ IT WELL

  • Running Like The Wind: After being tempted by my friends Rowena and Stacy, I too signed up for the Sporting Life 10K run for Sick Kids’ Camp Oochigeas. I’ve always wanted to run a marathon! Even though I really only run for the bus these days, I’m determined to fulfill my goal with this event.
  • Gettin’ My Ed-ju-ma-cation On: I’m halfway through my post-grad Health Promotion program, and if things go to plan, I will be finished in July 2012. Frustrations with the program and conflicts between school life and real life have tempted me to throw in the towel, but I am going to see this through to the end.
  • Welcome To Mi Casa: Homieloverfriend and I are both 6′+. This apartment ain’t big enough. Home ownership plans for 2012 are in effect.
  • Tell It Like It Is: In the past, I’ve had a hard time saying how I feel for one reason or another, but that is no more. Last month, I was disrespected by a friend. Old Bee would have vented to Homieloverfriend, then found a way to swallow the hurt and not rock the boat. New Bee? She let that mofo have it! Not only did I feel better, but that friend realized that I won’t stand for any further tomfoolery, and got their act together. I learned that just because I rock the boat, doesn’t mean it’ll capsize every time. No more hiding my feelings.

JIVE TALKIN’

  • Facing Fears: On my 2012 vision board I wrote “Do one thing a month that scares you.” There are certain documented fears I’ve wanted to get over, so this year I’m going to force myself to face them.
  • Dance Fever: I have been talking over the last year about re-committing to my Afro-Cuban dance class. And that’s all I’ve done: talk. Even if it’s not until later in the year, I need to stop talking about it and be about it.
  • Ditch The 9-5 Depression: 2011 was the most up & down career year ever. I’ve talked a lot about what I want, what I don’t want, what success means, and more. I’m positive that the husband, my friends, and my damn mama are sick of hearing me complain. “Be happy, get money” is my motto.

I’m looking back at my list now, and feeling slightly overwhelmed…which is my usual response when I want to chicken out and hide under my bed covers and wallow in complacency. This is where the 3 P’s come into play: Planning, Pacing, and Perseverance. Planning on how I’m going to accomplish these goals; pacing so that I don’t try to do everything at once and burn myself out; and perseverance so that I remind myself to keep pushing through.

As my favourite comedic philosopher Martin Payne/Shaquille Sunflower once said, “I’m getting myself right, and I’m seeing the light.” The best time to make a change is when you feel like you have no other option. That’s where I am now, so ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it! I hope you get on board with me too!

We’re one week into 2012…if you’re all talk, put those words into plans, which will turn into actions! And if you’re just talking for talking’s sake, cut it out. Don’t force it if you don’t feel it. For my doers, keep doin’ it! Let me know what your intentions are for 2012 and let’s work on things together!

January 5, 2012 

Saving Relationships, One Clogged Drain At A Time

I didn’t think I’d write another relationship post so soon, but this is an important one. I’ve learned that oftentimes while in relationships, it’s the little things that make a difference. Matching bras and panties? Cool. Cooking their favourite meal when you know they had a tough day? Nice. Forgoing expensive gifts and giving them a handmade coupon book for “10 kisses” and “an hour-long massage”? Cute, especially when you’re broke. Taking a trip to Canadian Tire and spending $5 on a tool that might just save your relationship? YES! Let me explain.

It was a day not too long ago. I had come home from a horrid day at work, and decided to take a long, hot shower to unwind. There I was, iTunes bumpin’, off in the tub exfoliating with my pom-pom yellin’ “Go 3000!” (I was listening to Art Of Storytelling Pt. 4), and having a grand time caressing my hair with the most conditiony of conditioners. I got out, feeling good and smelling better, then exited the bathroom to allow the Hubs to get his shower on.

I was feeling like a goddess in my towel and turban, and eenie-meenie-minie-moeing my Bath & Body Works drawer of lotions when I heard Homieloverfriend bellow my name from the bathroom. He didn’t yell, he didn’t scream - he bellowed y’all. That sound came from the pit of his stomach and was fully projected with all the strength of his diaphragm. Was he hurt? Did I use up the hot water? What happened? When I entered the bathroom, he shot me a look of utter and complete disgust that I had never seen before.

“Babes! What’s wrong?” I whispered.

“It’s….it’s just….it’s…your hair.”

Lo and behold, I took a peek in the tub…and in my sheer joy of being out of work and in a hot, steamy, frothy, bubbly state of bliss, I had forgotten to clean all of my detangled curlies from the bathtub. Small tings to me, but for a chaetophobe like my hubby, it was an unforgiveable offense. I rubbed his back, promised never to let it happen again, and proceeded to gather up all the loose hair from the tub and drain, all while trying hard not to laugh at how serious he was. His hatred of loose hair is real deal Holyfield. The only time he’s really mad at me is when I leave hair in the tub, on the counter, on the floor, on his sweaters, in his beard…you get it. Let him go in the shower and see one lonely curl, and he’s pissed. Even worse is if he notices that the water is draining much slower than usual…whooooo chile!

"Heffa, I BETTA not see one of those hairs in the bathtub when we get home!"

I finally found the thing to save my marriage and my bathtub drains: a hair snare drain guard.

This simple, inexpensive tool accomplishes something that I thought was impossible. It catches all of your loose hair while still draining water – and saves you SO much trouble. No more annoying clogs! No more having to reach your hand into the drain to pull out hair! No more pouring eyeball-burning chemicals down the drain to dissolve the clog! And best of all, no more angry husbands and fellow bathroom users! Check your local Wal-Mart, Canadian Tire, or Home Hardware to find one of these babies and enjoy!

Depending on the fit of your tub and the size of your drain, a hair snare drain guard may not catch ALL of your hair….but it should catch enough to make a difference. If you’re still struggling with clogged drains, get out some baking soda, vinegar, and boiling water and try this natural clog-cleaning technique.

Morals of this story? 1. Be cognizant of your partner’s pet peeves and do what you can to minimize them. 2. A trip to Canadian Tire might just help your relationship ;)

Have any of you used a drain guard? Do you use any environmentally friendly products to clear out clogs? What are your household pet peeves?

December 20, 2011 

Re-Learning Lessons: Being Open

Yesterday, I had an awesome convo with a new homie, Miss Georgette Dunn aka @Rdysetflow. After her rejuvenating “Yoga While You Work” webinar, we chatted on the phone and I laughed more than I usually do on a Monday! As I reflected on how I came to be lucky enough to connect with good people like Georgie, I realized what it was: I’m re-learning how to be open.

Let me take you back to my childhood.

For one reason or another, I was a very shy child. I went to an arts elementary school where I was able to express myself in various art forms, but any solo performance or art showcase was accompanied with serious butterflies in the tummy. High school was no better, maybe because I detested those 4 years in general (I fast-tracked my OAC year out of hatred for high school life). I kept to myself, had a small group of friends, and generally tried not to call too much attention to myself (which was difficult, seeing as how I was one of three Black girls in the entire school). Even though I now know that this is a common feeling amongst teens, I felt like I just did not fit in, and I suffered because I thought I was the only one that felt that way.

Fast forward to 1st year of university – where I first became open.

At the University of Western Ontario, I met like-minded people. I met other Black folk and people from other races and cultures that I had never met before in London. I joined student clubs. I modeled and danced in the Caribbean Student’s Organization annual show (and did every year I was at Western). Most importantly, I began to speak up. I was inspired by all of these amazing minds from all over the world – and I learned that people were actually just as inspired by me. My self-esteem rose to a level where I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I learned how to express my worth and value, and became so open that I attracted amazing friends, amazing opportunities, and created memories that I’ll hold with me forever. My university years were truly golden.

What happened when I entered the Real World? Life changed. I moved away from home. Everyone’s identity became tied to their job. Boyfriends were lost, close friendships came to startling ends, and I unknowingly became someone’s “other woman” for the first time in my life (I’ll tell y’all that story another time – it’s a gem). The way I related to the world totally changed, and I did what I do best - I got my turtle-mode on and retreated back into my shell. My self-esteem dwindled away and trust was gone, so I kept to myself and felt like I was still just that awkward girl from my high school days.

So, what has brought about this personal renaissance of mine? I can’t really pinpoint the actual catalyst or turning point, but I know I’m in the midst of it now. I started reinvesting in myself by indulging in two of my artistic loves: dancing and writing. I began working on restrengthening relationships with family and friends. I took those feelings of not fitting in and embraced my uniqueness. And now here I am, writing a public blog that other people can actually read (a big deal for me). Here I am, having strangers and friends email me to tell me how much my writing has helped them. Here I am, making connections with people I’ve admired for years. Here I am, with a husband who loves me, friends who stand by me, and a family that is in the process of healing. I’m getting back into those golden years – attracting incredible opportunities and people into my circle, growing deeper with old friends and family, and falling back in love with myself. I’ve learned that being open is not just about giving the world the best of me, but it is also about receiving the blessings that are meant for me.

If you’re struggling with being open, here’s what helped me then and now:

  • Figure out how much trust you’re willing to give people – and every now and then, try to give a little more. Very hard to do, especially if you’ve been burned before, but trust is vital to being open.
  • Trust yourself. There’s that T-word again. Trust your instincts and gut feelings. They’ll never lead you astray and will keep you in check if you’re trying to be someone you’re not – a problem you can easily fall into if you’re low on self-esteem.
  •  Get out there and meet people! Once I started joining various community groups and going to different workshops and events, I met so many people who gave me that “like-minded” vibe I got in university. A big plus were the connections I made with people who brought new opportunities into my life. Remember my “Making Friends” post? ‘Nuff said.
  • Remind yourself that you’re the sh*t. Honestly. You have to create your own self-esteem reserve – no one else can truly fill that up for you. Embrace the unique things you bring to the table and fall in love with yourself. However, always remember that self-confidence and arrogance are two different things. Big up yourself, but never trample on anyone else.
  • Find and follow your passions. What do you love to do? If you think you could make your bread and butter off of it but you’re reading this post while at a job you hate, what are you waiting for? If you’re not there yet - find a way to fit your passions into your daily life. I feel the most open and connected to the world when I’m doing something I’m passionate about.

Being open takes risk, but has amazing rewards. How open are you? What are some of the things you’ve had to overcome in order to be more open?

November 22, 2011 

Vision Boards: Getting Goals Out Of Your Head & Into Action

Well, it’s about that time…when everyone realizes that the year is almost over, and wonders where 2011 went. It’s also that time when everyone starts looking forward to the year ahead, wishing and hoping for bigger and better in their lives. I usually find that people (myself included) have two conundrums when we get to this point in the year. One is that we often can’t remember what we did in the months past – did we even do ANYTHING? The other issue is that we look blindly into the new year, setting resolutions based on what we want, with no understanding of the plans we need to put in place to obtain them.

On December 30th, 2010, I went on Oprah’s site and created a Dream Board, also known as a vision board. Many people had no clue what kind of new-age nonsense I was dabbling in when I said I was working on a vision board. The funny thing is, so many of us create variations of them, without even knowing. You’re on Kanye’s workout plan? Have you ever posted a picture of the person (celebrity or even the old you) whose body you want on the fridge or bathroom mirror to motivate you? After getting an amazing mark on an exam, have you ever tacked that up on the inside of your locker to remind you to get to the library and study hard for the next one? This is what a vision board is all about – using images and words to positively reinforce the goals you have for your life.

Here was my vision board for 2011 (click to enlarge):

There were tons of goals that I wanted to accomplish this year, and when I look back at my vision board, I see just how much I got done. I had health and fitness goals (see Amerie’s sexy legs in the bottom right). I wanted to develop and maintain positive friendships (see the Girlfriends pic in the top row). I had plans to have an amazing wedding and kick off the start of an even better marriage (see my ring pic in the top left). I wanted success, patience, and to do a better job of embracing change, among many other things. Looking at my board, I’m actually quite proud of myself that I accomplished or made progress on a lot of things this year.

I loved doing the vision board on Oprah’s site – I planned to do it the old-fashioned way of cutting and pasting magazine clippings onto a bristol board, but this way I could add so many more personal touches, and could save it in digital form. It was my desktop image for the first few months of the year. I printed it out and taped it to my wall. I emailed it to myself and would set random reminders for myself to go take a peek and see how I was doing.

Placing images and words on a vision board alone won’t get you what you want. What it will do is force you to think about what you really want to accomplish, and think about how you’re going to get there. It’s a motivator and a reminder that what you want IS attainable – it just takes focus, insight, and planning. Speaking of which, it’s time for me to get a glass of wine, play “Who Gon’ Stop Me” off of Watch The Throne, and get started on Vision Board 2012!

Click here to start working on your own vision board via Oprah’s site!

Have you ever made a dream/vision board? If your answer is “yes”, how did it work for you?

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