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May 7, 2012 

RESET: Identifying Personal Values & Creating Your Mission Statement

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Today is May 7th, which marks almost a quarter of the way through the month, and almost a quarter of the way through the 31 Day Reset Challenge! After a busy Friday and Saturday, I had to play catch-up with my last few assignments, but I’m back on track! So far, the exercises have been extremely insightful, and have really made me look at things and think about things differently.

The past few assignments have centred around personal values – the things in life that are important to us, and the things that we hold dear. The first step on Day 4 was to identify the things in life that we value – a few of mine were “optimal health and wellness”, “traveling”, “financial success & security”, and “inspiring and empowering others”. From the list of approximately 20 that I wrote down, the next step was to then create my Reset 10 list – selecting the top 10 values.

On Day 5, we took it a step further. First, I had to review my Reset 10 and rate myself on a scale from 1-10 on how well I was embracing or living up to that value. “Maintaining a happy marriage” rated a 9, “optimal health and wellness” rated a 4, and “owning a beautiful home” rated 1 (hey, we all gotta start somewhere!). It was at this point that I took an honest look at what was important to me, and just how well I was or wasn’t doing at upholding that importance. It’s quite easy to write a list of all the things we value in life, but it’s much more difficult to hold that list up to real life and see how it compares. Not rating myself highly on owning a home wasn’t a terrible thing, seeing as how I’m just starting out on the path to home ownership. However, other items that weren’t rated so highly gave me the sads, and further reminded me that I was WELL overdue for a change.

Part 2 of Day 5 focused on values in action – for each value, we had to identify 3 things we would do to be actively engaged within them. For “optimal health and wellness” I wrote workout regularly, eat well, and de-stress. For “do fulfilling work” I wrote work somewhere that fits my values, build more as an entrepreneur, and find ways to help others. My sads started to fade away at this point – putting my values into action gave me a bit of a game plan on what to do in order to live up to my values. Items that were rated 1′s or 2′s weren’t dead ends – it was just a starting point, and there was literally nowhere to go but up!

I patiently awaited my Day 6 email this morning, and wondered what we were going to do next with our values. I got my answer when the email arrived – the next task was to create a personal mission statement. A great definition of personal mission statement was provided by the personal development site Dumb Little Man:

Your personal mission statement should be a concise representation of what’s most important to you, what you desire to focus on, what you want to achieve, and, ultimately, who you want to become. In its purest form, it’s an approach to your life, one that allows you to identify a focus of energy, creativity, and vision in living a life in support of your inner-most beliefs and values. Also remember that your mission will change over time as you and your life change.

From there, I took my various values and drew up what I consider to be my personal mission statement:

My mission in life is to live the dream. In all areas, I plan to make my aspirations a reality, and live the type of life that I have always imagined. Above all, I value wellness, happiness, love, fulfillment, and success. I honour optimal holistic health & wellness in mind, body, and soul. I honour my marriage by maintaining open communication, honesty, support, laughter, love, and fun with my husband. I honour my family and friendships by maintaining closeness and always being there for each other. I honour the impact I will leave on the world by doing work that fulfills me, that inspires and empowers, and that allows me to use my skills and experiences to help others. I embrace my entrepreneurial spirit and my artistic spirit, and will create my own success. I embrace financial success & stability, traveling, and having the perfect home to return to after a long day. Positivity, prayer, faith, and breaking the rules when necessary – all of these things will help me to live the dream.

Yes, it’s a mouthful, and no, I don’t plan on memorizing it any time soon – but I could see how reading this first thing in the morning may help me to get the day started off right! After creating my personal mission statement, I’m more motivated than ever. Time to live up to my values!

If you’re part of the 31 Day Reset Challenge, let me know! Are you enjoying it so far? Whether you’re in the challenge or not, what do you think about creating a personal mission statement?

Don’t forget my Bee-Day celebrations going down this Friday at Fashionably Late’s Timeline party – Dazzling Lounge, 291 King Street W. is the location! The only gift I need is your presence!

May 2, 2012 

RESET: The 31 Day Reset Your Life Challenge

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For me, the month of May brings a lot of great things. Between the start of really beautiful spring/summer weather and the new year celebration that is my birthday (I’m celebrating on May 11th at Fashionably Late Fridays – be there!), I usually have a great time in May. May means new beginnings, rebirth, and rejuvenation, and I plan to go all the way this month. I feel like this birthday, this new year, is the signal of an epic year to come in the life of Bee, and I want to herald it in the right way. Lucky for me, I found out about Rosetta Thurman’s 31 Days To Reset Your Life Challenge, and signed up right away!

Rosetta Thurman is an inspiration. Blogger, web whiz, and leadership consultant – she quit her non-profit career and has built a niche for herself as a successful entrepreneur. I subscribe to her Facebook page, and when I saw her post about the kick-off of the 31 day challenge, I had to learn more.

The 31 Days To Reset Your Life Challenge is a “virtual life coaching program”, designed for:

anyone who wants to manifest a change in their life, design a more fulfilling existence, make room for new possibilities or simply gain more clarity about their path to happiness and success. This challenge will especially be of benefit to you if you’ve felt stuck or in a rut during the last year.

Manifest a change, did you say? Stuck or in a rut, did you say? As soon as I read this, I felt like Rosetta had been peeking through my window. I signed up and patiently awaited my 1st of 31 emails – each day, we will be sent emails with exercises or assignments to help us manifest that change, or to get unstuck and out of that rut.

Today’s assignment was a 3-parter. Get a notebook. Pick your motto. Choose your theme song.

My notebook? I’ve got it. Even though I use this blog as a space to write about some personal things, you best believe I have a journal! This one has been with me for at least 2 years, on and off – and it’s the best one for me to use for this challenge.

My motto? This one took me a while to come up with, but I finally got it. “Step out on nothing, land on something”. I’ve been struggling a lot with maintaining faith. Glimmers of it come back here and there, but 2012 has been tough so far with keeping positive in spite of transitions or setbacks. I’m also a bit of a control freak. I started reminding myself to “step out on nothing, and land on something” when I was hesitating taking a chance, or when I was doubting myself that things would work out. I’ll admit, I’m not fully living in a space of undeniable and uncontested faith, but I’m working on it. I figured I’d use this motto to seal the practice in my mind over the next month, so we’ll see how things go…

My theme song? Chile – I had it picked out this morning before I even signed up for the Challenge (sorry, but this one has cussin’ – I like to stay authentic):

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I have a lot of theme songs – I likely would have chosen “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley because I use that song to soothe my frazzled and stressed nerves on a weekly basis. However, this Watch The Throne track motivates me to jump higher, run faster, and be better. I can’t explain it, but this song just gets me hyped and ready to take on the world. I have a lot of dreams and goals, so the “Who Gon’ Stop Me?” mentality is one I need to maintain.

My May 1st assignment is done. As you read this, I’ll likely be working on my May 2nd exercise. We’ll see how I’m doing by the end of the month! I don’t think it’s too late to join – check details here, and learn more about Rosetta at her sites Happy Black Woman and Rosetta Thurman.

Are you joining in on the Challenge? Have you ever done something like this before? If so, did you stick it out to the end, or did you fall off? I’ll be checking in with you all as the next 30 days unfold, so keep me accountable!

 

April 27, 2012 

BEE ON THE SCENE: Malton Moms Workshops & How She Hustles Brunch

As this week comes to an end, I’m reflecting on just how busy and eventful the past few weeks have been. I was honoured to attend a few awesome events, and I wanted to let you all know about them!

First up: my very first speaking engagement! A couple of weeks ago, I was happily surprised to get an email in my inbox inviting me to speak at the Malton Moms group in the Mississauga area. Malton Moms is a networking and support group for mothers in the Malton region, but in reality, they’re so much more than that. Malton Moms provides an environment for mothers to be educated, entertained, supported, and heard. For their Creative Cafe’s “Telling Your Story” edition of special meetings, I was invited to speak about how to “tell your story” with blogging.

With Crystal and Nadine from Malton Moms

For the last two Wednesdays, I spent my evenings in Mississauga with the group and talked, laughed, and learned. For the first session, I covered topics to help the ladies start and maintain their own blogs. It was easy to drive my points home by sharing my own personal experiences, and the ladies were receptive and interactive, which was awesome! For my second session, we focused on the Malton Moms blog, and I helped the group come up with a game plan for updating and revamping their site. This was especially great – the Malton Moms group is doing so many amazing things that it only makes sense for their web presence to mirror all of that awesomeness. Are you in the Malton area and looking for a group of mothers to connect with? You definitely need to get in touch with Malton Moms – check their Facebook page to stay updated! I had a great time, and was humbled and honoured to be invited to speak to their group. I was also inspired – there were a TON of sexy mommies up in there! Go ‘head, ladies!

What comes to mind when you think of spending an afternoon with 100 women you don’t know? For an introvert like me, that’s a nerve-wracking experience, but it’s one I encountered this past Sunday – and I loved it. I was lucky enough to attend the 3rd Annual How She Hustles Brunch at the Courtyard Marriot in downtown Toronto, and I had an amazing time! Hosted by Emily Mills and her team, the brunch was an opportunity to mix, mingle, and make real connections with women excelling in their main hustles and side hustles. This was different from other networking events because it was intimate enough to allow us the opportunity to chat with nearly every woman there. Everyone seemed positive, kind, and genuine in wanting to share their skills and learn about others – no pretentious posing or nonchalant business card tossing here! I was also impressed with the How She Hustles team’s usage of social media – Emily and her team used Twitter and Facebook so effectively, and created a way for women not in attendance to still feel like a part of the event. Awesome gift bags, dope giveaways, the opportunity to meet Twitter-friends in real life, and the chance to connect with other beautiful and inspiring women – this event was a major win all around! Connect with How She Hustles on Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube to stay up to date with future events, because I know I’ll never miss another one!

Big thanks to the homie Ajua Dee for snapping so many great pics!

And the events don’t stop! May is my birthday month, and I have a few cool events planned to celebrate! Like the Facebook page and follow me on Twitter for more details! If you were at the Malton Moms workshops or at the How She Hustles brunch, say hello! I’d love to keep in touch!

March 26, 2012 

Life Lessons: When The Unhappy And Happy Collide

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Often, you’ll come across situations in life that force you to either restrengthen or completely rebuild your personal paradigms. You likely held certain trains of thought on issues of love, friendship, trust, and loyalty – until that one day when something happens. That something may give you extra resolve to hold on to the truths of what you have always known, or it may cause you to change your way of thinking in order to have better success in the future. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in a situation that will have you do both simultaneously – as I have recently.

I know that not everyone in the world has your best interests at heart. Not everyone wants to see you succeed, and not everyone is willing to help you when the chips are down. However, I think we’ve gotten too used to falling back lamely on the excuse of “having haters” to ignore the fact that sometimes people just don’t agree with you, don’t like you, or don’t care about you. They aren’t out to get you – they’re just not on the same wavelength as you, and that’s OK. For me, life has been easier since I’ve let go of the paranoia. I’ve let go of wondering if someone gave me a dirty look, or if that snide comment was directed my way, or if someone was trying to set me up for a fall. I try to ignore the nasty folks, avoid the miserable folks, and respect the ones not on my wavelength as long as they respect me. That method served me well up until recently.

Maybe that way of thinking was naive. Whatever the case may be, I was jolted back into reality that yes, there are people who don’t have your best interests at heart, who absolutely do not want to see you succeed, and who are not only not willing to help you when the chips are down, but are usually the ones trying to knock your pile of chips to the ground. It’s not a nice feeling.

What I’ve had to realize is that it’s more about them than it is you. Most often than not, people who will go out of their way to attempt to tear you down are doing so because you are a mirror image of the life they wish they had. You are a fun house illusion called “What Your Life Could Have Been If You Weren’t A Loser.” You have something they wished they had, you do something they wish they could do, or you are simply everything they wish they could be. Instead of focusing their energies on how they can acquire what it is that they want, they expend their energies on trying to ruin what you’ve got goin’ on. Sure, take this time to relish in the fact that you’re just too fabulous for that person to handle, but in those quiet times when you wonder if you really did something to deserve it (like I have wondered), remember - it’s more about them than you. This is about their pathology, their deficiency, and their low self-esteem. Enjoying the life you live is not the same thing as flaunting your successes in someone’s face. Don’t take it personally.

I’ve had to rebuild my paradigm of how I react to negativity from other people. I’m definitely not balls to the wall, ranting about “my haters”, but I’m like a child who has been burned by scalding water while safely playing in the hazy steam. I’ll be a bit more aware next time. What has been restrengthened has been my resolve to continue to live the best life possible. If you have earned and worked hard for the things you have in life, never apologize for that. If you have been called “lucky” when you know that luck = preparation + opportunity, do not downplay your efforts. If you have simply been blessed in your life, never be ashamed of those blessings. Nothing is ever perfect – but if your life (or even just one part of it) is pretty damn good, embrace it. Embracing the positives in your life will bring you more positivity. It may attract some envious negative energy as well, but stay positive. Pure hearts and good intentions reap the best benefits.

Much of the advice I have been given for my particular situation has been of the “easier said than done” type. Keep your head up! Don’t let them get to you! Put a smile on your face, because they expect a frown! All good advice, but when you really want to drop-kick someone in their chest, or corner them and scream “What is your problem?” it’s hard to absorb it. At the end of the day, success is the best form of revenge. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, and I’m going to do it damn well. Like my favourite Goodie Mob album title says (not my fave album, just album title – don’t get it twisted), “One monkey don’t stop no show.” And since I’m clearly putting on a show for some folks, I’ll make sure I’m giving you something good to watch. Hope you enjoy.

What do you do when you’re faced with negativity? How do you persevere in light of the fact that others may be so unhappy that they attempt to derail your success? Are you able to deflect and keep stepping, or does it throw you off your game? Let me know your thoughts…

 

March 8, 2012 

I Honour You: Happy International Women’s Day!

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For those who weren’t aware, March is International Women’s History Month, and today is widely recognized as International Women’s Day. I knew I wanted to write a post to commemorate the day, but when I really sat and thought about it, I had NO clue on how to discuss something as complex, wondrous, and beautiful as being a woman.

Do I take this time to highlight the achievements of women in history? Do I take this time to talk about the pros and cons of being a woman in today’s North American society? Those topics could be entire blogs on their own, and I’m in a more free-flow writing mood, not a research and edit one. When I thought about how I wanted to recognize this day, I realized the best way for me to do that would be to recognize the women in my life. I’m a huge proponent of sisterhood, support, and friendship among women, and wished we did more to embody those traits with one another. I wrote a previous post about sisterhood, but I’d like to take it a step further today. If you’ll allow me this moment, I’d like to tell you about the women I’m honouring for International Women’s Day:

  • I honour my sisterfriends: the women who truly understand what love, support, and consistency mean. No flakes in my space and no squares in my circle.
  • I honour my blood sister, whose individuality and creativity inspires me to live life the way I want to.
  • I honour the mothers who are raising the next generation, who are giving selflessly, and who are raising their children with the intent to make this world a better place.
  • I honour the women who shattered glass ceilings or kicked in a door or two to make things easier for me.
  • I honour the mentors who are not stingy with their guidance, who are not threatened by other bright women, and who are willing to teach, share, and motivate.
  • I honour the women who dare to take risks, make their own rules, and create the lives that they’ve always dreamed of.
  • I honour my female ancestors who raised children, supported husbands, and helped to bring home the bacon and the eggs and the goat and the donkey…
  • I honour the women who haven’t given up on love.
  • I honour the women who realize the glaring flaws in the statement “I just don’t get along with other females.”
  • I honour my mother, who is like a goddess to me. Her effect on my life cannot be described, but I live to make her proud and to know that her work has never been in vain.
  • I honour myself: I am becoming the woman I always envisioned I would be – no, an even better version of that vision. I love myself and trust in my capabilities, strength and intelligence in ways that I almost never thought possible.
  • I honour those who truly honour us. The world is full of enemies, but I honour the allies that us women have.

This International Women’s Day, let’s take the time to honour each other. Have dinner with your closest girlfriends. Call and check up on your mother, sister, or other close female relative. Compliment another woman. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re the bees’ damn knees. Men, you can do the same today – if there is a woman in your life that you love, support, or admire, let her know.  As is usually discussed during holidays and other specially assigned days, we should express these sentiments every day – but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging International Women’s Day in a way that inspires us to continue beyond March 8th.

Happy International Women’s Day! Who are the women that you honour? What is your wish for women? That we become more supportive to one another? That we acquire further equality? That we actually get to control our own reproductive health (yes – I’ve been watching a lot of the U.S. birth control pill/abortion debate)? Share it!

March 1, 2012 

Wasted Praise: Please Don’t Wait Until My Funeral To Tell Me I Was Great

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I have some questions for y’all today. Can anyone tell me why we wait until someone has passed away to share how amazing, how special, how valued they were? Can anyone tell me why we hold these things inside until we find ourselves standing over a casket, then cry out the many reasons why our lost one will be forever missed? Can anyone tell me why we don’t tell people the great things about themselves while they’re here to hear it?

This past weekend, I attended my brother-in-law’s surprise birthday party. He had hit a milestone birthday last week, and my sis-in-law spent weeks plotting how to surprise the man who seemingly can never be surprised. I’ll tell you this – she was most definitely successful, because I thought he was going to have a heart attack when he saw the room full of family and friends who had come to celebrate him.

The evening was dedicated to his life. Through speeches (both live and recorded), slide shows, and special presentations, he heard just how respected, loved, cherished, and inspiring he was. Every word that was uttered was sincere and heartfelt, and people truly wanted him to understand just how much of an impact he had on them. I sat there, incredulous. Now, this was a damn celebration. Then the question came to mind: wouldn’t it make a hell of a lot more sense to let people know how great they are while they’re able to appreciate and be motivated by it?

Now, I’m not saying to gas people’s heads up on the regular. What I am saying is that we’re way too stingy with our accolades for each other. A lot of the time, the people you love and/or like are thirsting for some recognition and reinforcement, and they need to hear it now – not when they’ve passed on. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard someone say “I never told him/her this, but…” as they share an anecdote about how the deceased positively affected them. Has a friend’s triumph over crisis inspired you? Let them know now. Have you ever really told your parent(s) how much you truly appreciate them for the guidance they’ve given you? Share it now. When is the last time you told someone that they had helped you, encouraged you, have done a great job, have a great gift, or anything to let them know you not only acknowledge their presence, but appreciate it? If your S.O./BFF/family member/co-worker homie/teacher passed away, what would you say about them? Take the good things and say them now.

We live in a largely quantitative, speedy-service society. How much money do you have? How much time do you have? We need a lot of the former but are suffering from a lack of the latter. This spills over into our interactions with others. We’re working crazy hours at jobs to pay the bills. We don’t have time to do something nice for ourselves, let alone for each other. But when you get that call that makes your world stop, all of a sudden we find the time to say, “Man…she/he was such a GREAT person.” If we had shared that while they were still here, it could have been a game-changer. Maybe they would have felt capable of achieving a goal. Maybe they wouldn’t have felt invisible. Maybe they wouldn’t have felt like a failure. We don’t know the depth of the pain, frustration, and self-doubt some people feel day in and day out – that tiny bit of acknowledgment and positive reinforcement could mean the world to someone.

It’s easy to assume that our loved ones know how much we value them, but we all know what there is to be said about assumptions. Saving kind words for funerals is equivalent to burying the family dog with a brand new chew toy. Sure, it’s nice that they have it now, but wouldn’t they have enjoyed it and done more with it while they were here? *insert pensive face here*

I’m a big believer of the idea that the energy you give out is the energy you’ll receive. Imagine how enriched life would be if we shared the positives about each other in the here and now? Say something genuinely nice about how someone has affected you, and see if the same doesn’t come back to you in spades. Let me know what you guys think…

February 20, 2012 

No One’s More Youer Than You: A Lesson In Self-Confidence

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On Saturday, I joined the world in watching the homegoing of Whitney Houston. So many thoughts and feelings flickered through my mind and heart, but one thought hit me square in the middle of my head like a dart, and I haven’t been able to shake it. What would it mean to be truly secure with yourself? Let me explain.

A common thread in the remembrance of Whitney Houston, and a key characteristic of hers that I (like many) admittedly overlooked was her generosity in mentoring and supporting other female artists. I never paid close attention to the enormity of what it meant for Brandy and Monica to be mentored by her. I didn’t recall her essence of sisterhood until I saw replays of the “I’m Every Woman” and “Heartbreak Hotel” videos. This was something that Whitney just DID. She was never looking for accolades, tributes, or recognition for what she gave, but she just did it.

So, you might be asking what that has to do with being secure with oneself. Kelly Price summed it up perfectly in a memorial on BET by retelling the story of recording Heartbreak Hotel – she thought her voice was far too overpowering, so she attempted to hold back. When Whitney realized what she was doing, Kelly said she “cursed her out” and told her that she needed to “open her mouth and sing”. Kelly said that it spoke to Whitney’s confidence in her talent – she was not afraid of what the next woman would bring to the table. She was not in the business of minimizing others in order to make herself look great. She was secure in her abilities – so what did she have to worry about?

How many of us feel that way? From what I’ve personally experienced, I’d say very few. I see it in the workforce. I see it in the blogging world. I see it in the Toronto arts & entertainment scene. I see it among friends and family. Too many people with gifts, talents, and skills but lacking the self-actualization to be truly secure with themselves. People don’t help others because they’re afraid that person will surpass them. People don’t mentor up-and-comers because they’re worried about losing their place. People are wary about combining their talents with others because they don’t want to split the reward. There could be valid and understandable reasons for this, but I feel that ultimately, innate lack of self-confidence is the culprit.

Whether things change and we begin to help, lift up, and support one another more is secondary to the fact that first, we must have a sense of security in ourselves. Once you own that, there is no room to feel threatened. How can that be accomplished? I’m not expert, but I’ll tell you what I think:

Define what you do. What is your gift, talent, or skill? Do you have more than one? What are you good at? Figure this out. A major part of insecurity is not knowing exactly where you fit. We all have something. What’s your thing?

Know it and grow it. Once you’ve identified your gifts, dedicate yourself to perfecting your craft. Be the best lawyer, singer, or customer service rep you can be. And while you’re at it, stay on top of new trends that can help you to evolve. Stagnation leads to insecurity about your skills. Always be ready to remix or further develop what you’re good at – but never lose sight of what the essence of your gifts are.

Understand that no one can be more ‘youer than you’. Don’t sleep on the wise words of Dr. Seuss. One of my favourite Seuss quotes is “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” LIVE IT. Recognize, above all, that there is no one in the world exactly like you. No one can do what you do, the way you do it. Feel that what you do is not good enough? Well, go back to Step Two and work it out. But never forget that there is no one with your gift and experiences. The words roll right off the tongue, but take a minute to think about it. Throw away the insecurity and cloak yourself in the fact that you are the only you ever. What are you going to do now?

Let me bring it back full circle. and note that two things are crystal clear. Whitney was incredibly embracing of her fellow artists, and she possessed an undeniable gift. It dawned on me that Whitney was able to be so embracing because she was confident of herself and her abilities, and that made me think about how I can reach that same level. Life is hard enough as it is – a little self-confidence will make it a lot easier!

How confident are you in your gifts and talents? Do you know what you’re good at? What helps you to build and maintain your self-confidence? If you’re struggling with insecurity, what are your triggers? Let’s talk about it!

February 6, 2012 

Life Balance = Self Balance: Find & Use Your Outlets!

Photo via triwest.com

Did y’all have a good weekend? I definitely did…and still technically am, since I’m writing this on Sunday afternoon :) A full review is to come, but I spent the weekend getting back in touch with my love of the arts. On Friday, Homieloverfriend and I went to the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre’s show at the Sony Centre for Performing Arts. Amazing. On Saturday, I rolled solo to the Caribbean Tales/TIFF Gala and Screening of Better Mus Come. In-damn-credible. Add my special somebody’s birthday dinner at Big Daddy’s Bourbon Street Bistro & Oyster Bar, and I’ve been a happy camper thus far. This morning the sunshine woke me up and I found myself going for a run to train for my upcoming 10K, and shortly I’ll be heading out to an annual Super Bowl extravaganza with some close friends. I’m already looking into the future and predicting that by the time y’all are reading this, I’ll be in my office at my 9-5, smiling as I reminisce on the weekend’s events.

This is not a weekend review post. What this is, is a reminder post – something that I became reacquainted with this weekend, that I think I need to remind you of in case you’ve forgotten. This past weekend reminded me of the importance of outlets, and how much we need to be aware of the other things that make us US. Far too often, we get accustomed to being defined by our job titles and our family roles. However, I’m sure if you look inside yourself, you’ll find other things that make you more than a “nurse and mother of 3″ or a “financial analyst and husband”.

Am I saying that our job titles and family roles are not important? Not at all! What I am saying is that it is all too common for us to get crunched into sometimes-restricting boxes. Problems start when the stress of these responsibilities get too high, and we don’t know how to cope because we haven’t focused on the other parts of ourselves. Having an outlet (or 2 or 3) gives you a way to blow off steam while getting in touch with other interests, skills, and passions that you may have put on the back burner.

For me, my outlets are the arts, fitness, and friendship – but I find that I utilize them in different ways.

Photo via guardian.co.uk

When I’m burnt-out – stressed, annoyed, and THISCLOSE to snapping my last good nerve – I look towards fitness and friends to help me. Going for a run, doing some yoga, or even just banging out a 15 minute workout on my Nike Training Club app gets the bad vibes out. Calling up a girlfriend or getting together with a good group of homies always helps me to release the stress and remind myself of the good things in life.

I find that engaging in the arts, whether it’s writing, attending a dance show, going to an art exhibit, or watching a short film fills me with something extremely rejuvenating and inspiring. I could be in a great mood already – but let me step into a dance studio or take a trip to the ROM, and my happiness is expanded exponentially. I’m sure it’s tied to my childhood, since I went to an arts elementary school from grades 4-8. During those formative years, I danced, sang, played the violin and piano, acted (my star role was as Nick Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream in grade 5), painted, sculpted, and learned art history. I TOTALLY took my experiences for granted during those years, but now see just how enriched my life was with the arts. After the shows I went to this weekend, I almost feel like I have a reserve of good vibes inside of me to bolster me against the stresses of “getting back to reality” this week in the office. On top of that, I’ve been reminded that I am a good dancer, I could probably pick up a violin today and still play, and I was a damn good Nick Bottom! Indulging in the arts reminds me that there is more to me than just what’s on my resume.

A special note to you parents: I’m not yet a parent, but I was a child. I remember my Mother constantly saying some variation of “You guys are my life” and “Everything I do is for you”. She was always a happier, more balanced, and more interesting Mom when she was doing things for herself, that she enjoyed – and once she got over the irrational guilt of thinking that doing something for herself = neglecting us, we were a more fulfilled family unit. Parenting is a huge, vital societal role…but if you lose yourself in it, your children will sense that. Don’t forget about YOU!

So, what about you? Have you ever seriously considered the other things you’re good at that add to your identity? Is there something that indulges and fulfills you – your life’s own slice of red velvet cake? What can you do to help blow off steam at the end of the day? Life has stressors at every turn – arm yourself with the best possible outlets to help you live a more balanced life!

January 16, 2012 

Smooth Pebbles In Still Rivers: Dedicated To Michael

When I moved to Toronto, one of the things I was fascinated with was the Queen Street Bridge over the Don River. I couldn’t for the life of me understand the words inscribed with wrought iron: “This river I step in is not the river I stand in.” I thought it was some pretty poetic prose, but had no clue what it meant. Later, after doing some random reading, I came across a quote from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who said the following:

“Ever-newer waters flow on those who step into the same rivers .”

“Everything changes and nothing remains still… and… you cannot step twice into the same stream”

“We both step and do not step in the same rivers. We are and are not.”

It was like a lightbulb finally clicked on, and I understood: I’m going through a river of change. I’m not angsty like I was during puberty, and I’m not yearning for days gone by like I might during mid-life crisis. If I use Heraclitus’ quotes, I feel as though I was standing in a still river 10 months ago, when a smooth pebble was dropped in. The little waves became huge swells, and I know that when the river quiets down again, it won’t be the same. And neither will I. That pebble? My cousin Michael.

Michael stuntin' at my wedding

It started with a text from my brother in the last days of March 2011. Michael wasn’t feeling well, had gone to the ER, and tests were being run. Next, news that he was diagnosed with leukemia. Then, a call the day before I left for a business trip to Vegas – Michael was on life-support. As if leukemia wasn’t bad enough, he also had a life-threatening infection that was causing his organs to shut down. In an effort to preserve what strength he had left, he was put in a medically induced coma. This all happened in less than 48 hours. I told mom I was coming home, and Vegas could kiss my backside – until, she told me that before Michael went under, he told her to tell me I HAD to go. He was proud of me and what I had accomplished in my career, and under his orders, I wasn’t allowed to come home until I went and handled my corporate business. So I went to Vegas, came back to Toronto days later, and drove straight home as soon as I got off the plane.

In the months that passed, I watched Michael fight harder than anyone I had ever seen. He damn sure won a lot too. He beat the infection and woke up from the coma ready for war. Machines to breathe for him, flush his kidneys for him, live for him were disconnected one by one as he regained the functions necessary to live on his own. The seemingly never-ending cycle of antibiotics, chemotherapy, and blood tests began as he fought the leukemia, but through it all he never once complained. He never once solicited pity. He never once said “Why me?” With everything that was thrown at him simply because of the magical work of cells and science, he never once exhibited anything but pure determination and strength.

He made it to my wedding, y’all. When doctors said he wouldn’t survive the infection, he did. When they said the chemo drugs would make him too weak to even go outside, he did (after 3.5 months in a hospital room). When we were unsure if he’d be stable enough to make the trip to Toronto for my big day, he proved us all wrong and showed up front and centre, slaying lesser beings in his fly new suit. He did what he wanted to do. He didn’t go along with what he was told he could do. God…I was in such awe of him.

He wasn’t the only one who had me amazed. His closest family, his identical twin brother Marc and his parents were the definition of unwavering strength. My mom kept her promise to Michael of visiting him in hospital every day, no matter what. My brother expressed emotions that I’ve never seen him express while his best friend taught us all about life. The hospital waiting room was all at once a therapy session, a support group, a comedy show, a concert hall, and a quiet space. The whole experience left me speechless.

                 

Love.

Brothers.

Twinz Mansion movements.

Michael laid down his armour on November 3rd, 2011. As with everything else during this process, Michael left us on his own terms. Once he was satisfied to know that we knew he tried his hardest and fought with everything he had, he closed his eyes and finally got some much-deserved rest. While I prayed incessantly that we wouldn’t have to sacrifice him in order to learn the lessons that he taught us, that’s how things played out. Part of me doesn’t mind, because I can only imagine how tired he was. Not only did he fight against everything that was thrown his way during his illness, but he was a teacher to us all. He single-handedly changed thought processes, life goals, personal paradigms, hearts, minds, and souls of everyone who came in contact with him. That, my friends, is a lot of work for one man to do. 

My blog is called ’83 To Infinity. If you read the About page, you’ll get some understanding on what I was going for with that name. However, I had a bit of additional insight at Michael’s visitation. You see, Michael, Marc and I were all born on the same day: May 10th, 1983. I was saying to my uncle that I was rocked by all of this because Michael and I were the same exact age, and had been on the earth for the exact same amount of time. Now, Michael was gone onto the next phase of being, and I was still here. What was I going to do with the rest of my time here? How was I going to honour him and entertain him as he watched over me? What was I going to do now so that I could leave a mark for others, the way Michael did for me? We started in ’83, and if I have my way, Michael and I will be making waves in rivers to infinity.

Because of Michael’s lessons, I can’t complain anymore. I can’t take things for granted anymore. I can’t settle anymore. I have to go for what I want, regardless of what anyone may say. I have to be strong. I have to carry on his strength, his determination, his optimism. It’s the least I can do for him. Michael is that smooth pebble that dropped into my still river, and I will thank him for that every day of my life. You did it, homie.

So, there you have it, folks. Even though the blog was already 3 months old, Michael gave me that confirmation when I thought about the possibilities of what I was left to do here until I see him again. Have you ever had a smooth pebble drop into your still river? What did you learn, and how have you changed? 

January 14, 2012 

Get Your Life Here: Vintage Black Glamour

Black History Month is a few weeks away, and while I have mixed feelings on the whole thing, I will not deny that I love learning about Black History (I just don’t wait until February 1st to do it).

I also love vintage anything, so imagine my glee when I found Vintage Black Glamour on Tumblr?! Last night I spent hours pouring over the pages and pages of history. Some folks well-known (like Miss Diana Ross) and others a bit more obscure (Acquanetta, Donyale Luna), but all fabulous. I thought I’d share some of my favourite finds from the site, and hopefully open your eyes to new corners of Black history.

Mable Lee, "Queen of the Soundies" (1947)

Bill Cosby for Life Magazine (1969)

Unknown woman in riding habits (late 1880s)

Model Donyale Luna (1966)

Actress/model Acquanetta on the cover of JET (1952)

Sidney Poitier and Harry Belafonte at the March on Washington, (1963)

Josephine Baker gettin' her toes did (1950)

Vintage Celia Cruz

Dancer/choreographer Alvin Ailey (1955)

Model/actress Daphne Maxwell-Reid (aka Aunt Viv #2 on Fresh Prince of Belair!) (1969)

Ashford & Simpson

Roxie Roker and her son, Lenny Kravitz

Marvin Gaye looking dapper

Malcolm X and Maya Angelou in Ghana (1964)

This is just a sampling of photos from Vintage Black Glamour – check the site to get even more life from the 40+ pages of photos, videos, and historical information on amazing Black folk from days gone by. The site’s creator, Nichelle Gainer, has a book version of Vintage Black Glamour coming out soon, so keep an eye out for that!

Aren’t these pictures delicious? Something to think about: last night, I saw a tweet from Kimberly N. Foster: “In 1939, Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for playing a mammy. In 2012, Viola Davis will win an Oscar for playing a mammy. Awesome.” In your perspective, what does this say in regards to racial progress?

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