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May 6, 2013 

COUNTDOWN: My Last Week As A 20-Something

bee20post8This week, I say farewell to my 20s – and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.

I absolutely love my birthday, and I’m not one to shy away from birthday acknowledgement and celebration – in fact, the running joke between HomieLoverFriend and I is that years ago, I told him one day my birthday would be a national holiday. To date, I haven’t figured out what amazingly influential thing I’ll do to make that come true, but it’s still part of my life plans. In the weeks and days before each birthday, I tend to sit within myself and reflect on the year that is coming to a close – but with my 29th revolution around the sun reaching its finish, I’m sitting here looking back at the decade that was, and imagining the life I want to create in the decade to come.

If I could give my 20s a theme, I think I’d call it the decade of lost and found, or I’d liken it to the act of picking a bouquet of flowers. In my 20s, I gathered experiences that matured me and subsequently felt the winds of change blow away everything I thought I knew. More than once, I’ve had to start gathering my bouquet over again, but the act of lost and found defined me throughout my 20s.

My 20s: When I'd wear denim bikini tops under sheer shirts.

My 20s: When I’d wear denim bikini tops under sheer shirts.

My 20s: When I'd dance on poles in basement jams.

My 20s: When I’d dance on poles in basement jams.

I found the greatest love of my life, then suffered the worst heartbreak of my life. I felt a false sense of power in relationships where he cared about me more than I did him. I had wild nights with my girls, lived the line bypass life, and made Tequila Rose shots my signature drink of the summer of 2005. I achieved educational excellence and started to step out of my shy shell. I took a leap and left the only home I had ever known for the bright lights and big city of Toronto. Health issues knocked me on my ass, but I got back up again and kept living. I worked hard and felt a sense of pride in what I did. I grew to love soca and learned how to cook. I put stamps in my passport. I re-found love, got married, and obtained a new alter-ego – “Mrs. Quammie.” I lost family members in the physical sense, but found myself visited by angels who watch over me closely. I lost sister-friends who were supposed to be there forever, but either found ways to redefine our relationship, or found ways to move on and be OK with the bittersweet memories. I got brave, I got creative, and I found my voice. I stopped thinking about how I was “supposed” to do things, and started doing them in the ways that made sense for me. I nearly reached the end of my rope, but time and time again learned that my grip is strong.

My 20s: When I met Teedra Moses on New Years Eve and my one eye fell asleep.

My 20s: When I met Teedra Moses on New Years Eve and my one eye fell asleep.

My 20s: When I was heavy into modeling.

My 20s: When I was heavy into modeling.

29 was a particularly challenging year. It seemed like my 20s wanted to cram in as much lost and found as possible before I hit 30, but I choose to believe that it happened in such a way to prepare me for the future. I’ve never been more grateful for good days. I’ve never been more hungry for the best life has to offer. I’ve never been as sad as I’ve been at some points this year, but I’ve never been so hopeful for the amazing things to come. Like I wrote in a recent post, I like the woman I’m becoming. Sometimes she needs to be coaxed out of her shell, and sometimes she makes me work hard to earn the right to revel in my womanhood, but she’s there. 30 has got to be good – it’s going to be good, and I know it will because my 20s (especially 29) showed me just how much I can guide the happenings of my life.

I’ll be taking the next few days to ponder what was and think about what’s to be. A new decade, let alone a new year is the time for a fresh start, so I’ll be letting go of that which doesn’t serve me and will get ready for the wonderful things that will find room for themselves in my life. The 20s were a hell of a ride and made a beautifully elaborate bouquet – and I’ll look back fondly at the lessons learned and life lived forever.

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How would you define your 20s? For those who are in their 30s (and beyond) how was the transition into that new decade? Are the 30s as good as everyone says they are? What’s the best thing you’ve experienced in your 30s? 

March 19, 2013 

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Bee’s Event Updates

Hope y’all are doing well! I wanted to drop a quick post off to let you guys know about some of the awesome events I’ll be taking part in this spring/summer! If you’re in the Toronto/NY area and looking for some dope events to hit up, I got you!

TEASE Fridays at Saviari

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Are you single in Toronto? Do you want to meet cool folks in the city without the pomp and circumstance (and screwfacing) that many events here are known for? Starting on March 22nd, I’ll be hosting TEASE Fridays at Saviari Tea & Cocktail Lounge, where you can do just that! TEASE will be a happy hour mixer where you can come in, enjoy some amazing drinks and tea-infused foods, and mix and mingle with some of Toronto’s flyest. I’ll be there to help facilitate conversations and to maintain the flirty atmosphere of TEASE – and to ensure that you aren’t sitting nose-deep in a corner on your phone. This will be the first event in a while where we DON’T want you to tweet, Instagram, or Facebook promote – we want you to *gasp* actually talk to people! If you can handle that, then TEASE is the spot for you!

The Mystic Effect

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Rolling along with the hosting duties, I’ll be the hostess with the mostest at The Mystic Effect – an amazing art show that covers mediums like fashion, film, visual art, music, and dance. The brainchild of Stacy-Ann Buchanan Productions, this show will be on April 28th at Revival Bar, and I can’t wait! If you’re a fan of art in all its various forms, you’ll want to grab your ticket for The Mystic Effect ASAP! Even better? You’ll be contributing to charity. Part proceeds will support Urban Arts, a non-profit charitable youth organization that offers multi-arts based programs that serve to develop youth as artists and leaders. Do some good and whet your artistic appetite at the same damn time!

R Flavour presents Dead Wit Laugh ft. Donnell Rawlings

DWL Donnell

All of the events I’m involved with are special to me, but this one is on another level. I’ve talked about the Dead Wit Laugh comedy shows that had been held at Dazzling Lounge in Toronto last year, but this one is bigger and better – and it’s the creation of myself and my husband! Really and truly, it was his idea to put together a major comedy show  - teamwork makes the dream work, so him and I have been toiling (along with the help of some great friends) to make this show a success. The hilarious Donnell Rawlings (of Chappelle’s Show, The Guy Code, and The Wire) will be headlining the show on June 16th, and guest acts include comedians Nick Reynoldson, Dave Merheje, and Trixx, and spoken word artist Dwayne Morgan. Jay Martin will be our wonderful host, so we have the Toronto talent on lock! The NXNE Festival (Canada’s partner to SXSW) is on board as a partner, so our Dead Wit Laugh show will be the headlining comedy show of the festival week! Early bird tickets are available on Ticketmaster, so I’d better see my local (and international, if you’re making the trip up!) folks there to support!

Blogging While Brown Conference 

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Whew. As if I wasn’t feeling excited and anxious about everything I’ve written about so far, I have this news to add: I’ll be a featured speaker at this summer’s Blogging While Brown Conference in NYC! After attending for the first time last year, I took a leap and submitted a speaker’s proposal…and just when I thought I wasn’t going to be selected, I got the celebratory phone call to say I was in! I’ll be doing a talk tentatively called ‘Cross-Border Conundrums’ which will touch on various aspects of being an international Black blogger and how to maximize our connections across borders and overseas. The world of being a blogger of colour is so much wider in the US, and many people I met at BWB gave me the “There’s BLACK people in Canada?!” question – so I want to do my part to add a bit of diversity to the conference. If you’ll be at BWB this year, lemme know! I need a hotel buddy!

Like I said, a ton of things are on the go, and a lot of hard work is going into each and every one of these events!

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So, there you have it. There are a couple of other things in the works, but as you can see from this post, I’ll be keeping REALLY busy over the next few months! If you’ve got any questions about any of the events I mentioned, let a sista know!

March 14, 2013 

EMBRACING IT: Becoming The Woman Of My Dreams

madam~~~~~~_sensuousb_101b

I’ve been feeling very womanly lately. I’m not sure if it’s the double-dose of Venus I have in my natal chart via my Taurus sun and Libra rising signs, or if it’s the fact that I’m almost 30, or if it’s the fact that my music choice du jour is anything where I can bust out a fierce, lusty body roll. I caught myself saying “Now, THIS is some grown music!” while listening to Justin Timberlake’s new album The 20/20 Experience, and immediately worried that I was turning into one of those old, crotchety women who yell at kids to get off her lawn – but then I remembered that just a week before, I was in the club hollering 3-6 Mafia and 2 Chainz lyrics and dutty wining for my life. I knew I hadn’t lost much of my youthful joie de vivre, but I’ve just been feeling…different lately.

Everyone tells me it’s the fact that I’m about to hit 30 – the decade which everyone promises will bring you heightened self-realization, confidence, and libido, and lowers the amount of damns you have to give about things and people that don’t really matter. This makes some sense to me, because when I think about the things I’ve both embraced and let go, they fit well with the gifts that the 30s bring.

I’m starting to feel an unfamiliar calmness and – dare I say it – satisfaction with my body. I feel like I’ve been at odds with it for most of my life. It never looked the way I thought it should look. Sometimes it didn’t behave the way I thought it should have behaved. I haven’t deciphered yet if I’ve just conceded the fight and given up, or if I’ve really started to accept myself as is. That’s not to say that I’m not consistently working to improve on what I can improve on, and that’s not to say I’ll never have an “ugh” day ever again, but I’m really starting to feel settled in my body, and I like it.

With that sense of comfort comes a renewed interest in how I present myself to the world. After going to Solange Knowles’ concert a few weeks ago, I realized that I really loved how she looked. I loved the detail in her outfit, the shoes she wore, the mani/pedi she had, the red lip she rocked. I remembered how much fun I used to have with my outer appearance – not for sheer vanity’s sake, but for the sake of looking at myself like a canvas that could become a different masterpiece on a daily basis. I was looking at some vintage photos of Diana Ross in her heyday, and thirsted for a bit of flair and glamour in my life. I can’t remember the last time I got a mani/pedi, or bought new makeup, or got a new outfit – my excuse had been not wanting to spend money where I don’t have to, but I realized I’ve been stifling a part of my creativity that really used to thrive. I found myself on The Fashion Bomb the other day for the first time in what felt like forever – and it wasn’t until then that I realized how much I had been starving myself of the things I love about fashion and makeup and all things pretty. It’s time to turn that around and get my swagger back. Are the kids still saying that?

Forgive the heteronormativity of my next statement, but there’s nothing like the love and support of a good man to make you feel all delicious and womanly. At least, that’s how I feel with me and mine. I continue to get deeper and deeper into what it means to be someone’s life partner – and it regardless of the ups and downs, it feels wonderful. It’s one thing to talk about the roles partners play in relationships, but it’s another thing when sh*t hits the fan and you have to put those words into action. I’m just lucky enough to have someone who moves like a game of Tetris with me – we shift and slot ourselves into whatever space needs filling to ensure that we maintain a solid foundation to build on. Damn. I’ve equated our relationship to a lot of different things, but Tetris is a new one. Anyways, as Martin says, “You feel a calm, don’t ya, like me and Gina! You got somebody that got you!” 

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A newfound confidence and assertiveness has awoken in me lately too. I’ve been finding myself bold enough to cut through the bullsh*t and ask for what I want, say what I like, what I don’t like, what I want more of, or what I never want again. I’m re-creating myself to be the kind of woman who believes that life happens for her, instead of resigning herself to the helpless position of life happening to her. I’m starting to see new areas of life that I can actively take charge in – areas that I can proudly make my own. It’s this confidence and assertiveness that is positively affecting a lot of the other things I mentioned above. Owning my sexuality, my sensuality, feeling a new strength, making my imperfections work in my favour, recognizing my gifts - all of these things are expressed differently now than they ever have before, which – to me – feels like a big part of what grown womanhood is all about.

Since I was small, I’ve held a vision of what I thought the coolest, most beautiful, smartest, funniest, most self-assured and effervescent woman looked like, and I feel like I’m finally starting to morph into her. I’m humbled by the privilege I have of saying that I like the woman I’m becoming, but dammit, I do – and I’m ready to have some fun.

Ladies – regardless of age, do you feel like you’ve grown into your womanhood? Was there a moment when you felt you matured from “girl” to “woman”? What motivated that shift? What does womanhood mean and look like to you?

P.S. The 20/20 Experience is a problem. See my earlier tweet and be warned:

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March 11, 2013 

CREPES, CONVERSATION, & CONTROL: Things I Learned On My Sunday Date

bee-kensington-market

In Kensington Market, Toronto

In keeping with our mandate of dating while married, HomieLoverFriend and I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon meandering around the eclectic Kensington Market area in downtown Toronto. I’ve lived in Toronto for 6 years, and this was the first time I ventured to the market (sad, I know) – but I’ll definitely be back. The creative and independent vibe of the area is a fresh respite from the corporate branding mold of other shopping areas in Toronto – and if you like to people-watch and dream up stories about the lives of passers-by like I do, it’s the perfect spot.

Usually, we like to have our dates in the evenings – we’ll hit up a cool dinner spot, check out a movie, or hit a lounge for drinks and slow-dancing in dark corners. However, Sunday lived up to its celestial name and gave us a beautiful, sunshiny day, and I wanted us to take full advantage of it. So, down to Kensington Market we went, where we settled into a quiet corner of a quaint cafe for crêpes, tea, and conversation.

Parking: $3.75

Food and beverages: $15.00

Conversation, and the revelations therein: priceless. 

We’ve both got a lot on the go this year. We’re working on our own separate projects, we have some that we’re working on together, we’re both working full-time jobs, and we’re working to achieve some really important goals in the next 12 months. If you haven’t caught the gist of it yet, we’re doing a whole lot of work. HLF is calm and able to compartmentalize extremely well. I get worked up and my brain plays out like a cerebral Matryoshka doll – one big thought leads to another thought which leads to another and another…

I was in one of those Matryoshka thought patterns during our date. A lot of awesome things are coming to fruition (which I’ll let y’all know about in time), and there are some other potentially awesome things in the works – but they still reside in the land of the unknown. That’s where I struggle. I’m constantly trying to strategize my life to ensure the best possible outcome, and unknowns don’t fit well in my plans. I was talking to HLF about the many different ways things could go depending on how these unknowns play out – “If A happens, then I can do B, then we can do C in about 6 months, and by next year, we’ll have D. OR – If X works out, we’ll wait for Y, and then I’ll do Z. Either way, I’m just trying to play with the various puzzle pieces and see what works the best.”

He looked at me with the most amused face, then said something that really changed the game for me.

“You’re not so good at puzzles. I think you need to try word searches or something, because this jigsaw puzzle thing…it just isn’t working.” He then proceeded to read me for filth and snatch my wig in the most loving way about my issues with control and how it was doing me more harm than good.

life_puzzle

This is something I’ve written about before, and something I continue to work through. I am actively working on relinquishing my need for control, and trying to have more faith that things will work out even if I can’t plan and see every step of the way. HLF asked me about how much faith I honestly think I possess – and I realized it was pretty low. I have a fear of regret, a fear of doing things the “wrong” way – and while I’ve moved past my previous issue of not doing ANYTHING because of my fear of failure, I’m now struggling with the issue of doing things, but trying to control every possible aspect. It’s exhausting. HLF reminded me that I’m smart and resilient and we’re a team – so what I should be focusing on is increasing the faith in myself that regardless of what happens – I (and we) will be alright.

I told HLF about how so many things were going on, and it felt like this was an exhilarating yet really scary time. It reminded me of when I would ride my bike with my younger brother back in the day – we’d race each other and go fast, fast, fast  - and at first it was fun to feel the wind whipping my face and to go so fast that my feet flew off the pedals. Then in an instant, I’d get scared that I couldn’t stop or that I’d fall or otherwise lose control.

Him: “Did you ever lose control? Did anything bad ever happen?”

Me: “Nope.”

Him: “Did you ever win the race?”

Me: “Hell yeah!”

Him: “Well, apply that same thinking to life today. Have your game plan, but don’t be a slave to it. Life will throw curveballs, and you’ve got to be able to roll with them. You know when too much is too much – but don’t let the fears of what you could achieve hold you back. Nothing bad ever happened before, so…” 

He stabbed a piece of strawberry crêpe, swirled it around in confectioner’s sugar, and stuck it in his mouth without realizing that he just opened up the heavens and showered me with a new way of thinking. That bike-riding story had always stopped at my fear of losing control – I never extended it to the fact that nothing bad ever happened. Plotting every step of everything was making me more exhausted than the actual act of doing the things that are within my control. By the time we wrapped up our afternoon date, I had such a clearer view (and dare I say it – game plan) on the things I battle with the most: trusting myself, letting life happen, and easing up my vice grip on the way I think things should be.

And just in case I fall back into hardcore jigsaw puzzle mode, I bought a book of word searches. I really am better at those anyways.

Are you a control freak like me? How do you manage it? If you’re more of a let-life-happen type, let me know how you avoid the trap of being overly controlling! And if you’re in Toronto, let me know what your favourite Kensington Market shop is! The warm weather is coming and I’ll be heading down there more often! 

February 12, 2013 

SISTERHOOD & FRIENDSHIP: The Door By Ava DuVernay & Miu Miu

What do you get when you combine the following:

  • Beautiful cinematography
  • Beautiful Black women
  • Beautiful clothing
  • Beautiful music

and

  • A beautiful storyline?

As I found out last night, you get The Door – an amazing artistic partnership between filmmaker Ava DuVernay and fashion brand Miu Miu.

Ava DuVernay was the first African-American woman to win the Best Director Prize at the 2012 Sundance Film Festival for her film Middle of Nowhere. She collaborated with Miu Miu to create a short film as part of the fashion brand’s “Women’s Tales” series, featuring an awesome showing of Miu Miu clothing – and it is gorgeous. Starring Gabrielle Union, Alfre Woodard, Adepero Oduye, Emayatzy Corinealdi, and Goapele, this 9-minute short uses everything except words to tell a poignant story of sisterhood and self-discovery. This was a lovely yet unexpected visual that gave me something I didn’t know I needed.

Here’s the description from Miu Miu:

The Door, by Ava DuVernay, the fifth Miu Miu Women’s Tale, is a celebration of the transformative power of feminine bonds, and a symbolic story of life change. The symbolic centre of The Door is the front entrance of the protagonist’s home. As she opens it to greet a friend in the powerfully framed opening scenes, she is shrouded in an oblique sadness.

“In the film, characters arrive at the door of a friend in need, bringing something of themselves,” explains director DuVernay. “Eventually, we witness our heroine ready to walk through the door on her own. The door in the film represents a pathway to who we are.”

Clothing is also a symbol of renewal, each change of costume charting our heroine’s emergence from a chrysalis of sadness. In the final scenes, she takes off her ring, pulls on long, black leather gloves, and walks, transformed by the emotive power of the clothing, through the door.

Watch The Door here:

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I may be in a particularly sensitive frame of mind right now, but The Door touched me. It made me think about the themes of friendship and sisterhood, love and loss, and who I would lean on in my time of need.

I have a select few close girlfriends who make my heart sing with their love, sincerity, and support. Friends who make me so proud that I celebrate their successes as fervently as if they were my own. Friends who are down for whatever, whenever, however – and I love them. On the flip side, I’ve also experienced the dreaded girlfriend break-up, which has always felt worse than almost any boyfriend break-up in my life.

I once had a sister-friend who would have been the Adepero/Emayatzy/Goapele to my Gabrielle, if it ever came down to it. And if she was Gabrielle, I undoubtedly would have played any one of the supportive sisters to her. I would have bet my last dollar on those facts – but had I ever made such a deal, I would be broke-pocketed and assed-out right now. One day I may write and vent it out, but today I choose to leave the past in peace. I find myself stepping over the charred remains of that friendship with lessons learned, guards up, and a heart temporarily hardened – but I’ve closed that door, and I’m better for it.

Alfre Woodard looks like an older version of my mother, so I always have a soft spot for her and the maternal vibe that radiates everytime I see her. Her presence in The Door was no different, but this time her representation brought to mind someone other than my mother.

We were an unlikely pair. Me – 6ft tall, Black, early twenties, Jamaican-Canadian; her – almost 5ft, White, early sixties, with a shock of red hair and a soft English accent. We worked together in a cosmetics department for a few years, but shared a special Odd Couple-teacher/student kind of friendship. Determining who played what role depended on the lesson at hand, but I definitely think I learned more. The news of her death this weekend shook me harder than I thought it would – sadness mixed with my own phobia of death, then blended with a sense of urgency for more in this fleeting life. The cherry on top of this tragic smoothie? The guilt I felt at continuously putting off sending her an email or making a quick call to see how she was. I’ll email her tomorrow. I’ll give her a call next week. I always thought about her and smiled fondly when I remembered the good old days. I always meant to connect, but never got around to it – and that guilt is a tough pill to swallow. Like the example before, that door is now closed, but I take the lessons and memories and know I am better for them.

Watching The Door when I did, in the particular frame of mind that I did, left me with an all-encompassing feeling of melancholy. It’s a beautiful kind of sorrow though – the kind that makes my breath get caught in my throat, but reminds me that life goes on once I start to breathe smoothly again. Hurt and loss are what they are, but love and sincere friendship can always be found. As in The Door, I remain blessed to be surrounded by women who know my heart and who let me know theirs. I am blessed to have friendships both past and present that bring out my best self. I’m blessed to have the gift of feminine bonds that progress with me through life’s changes, and who’ll walk with me through any door. Thanks to my friends, my sisters, from then and now – I am blessed.

Not sure if Ava DuVernay and Miu Miu would have expected this kind of response to The Door, but there it is! What did you think of The Door? For my ladies, how do you feel about the sisterhoods you have (or have had) in your life?

January 16, 2013 

THE MAGIC QUOTIENT: Why I’m Married and Dating

Nuit de Noel by Malick Sidibe

I made the decision last night that I’m going to start dating this year.

Yes, I’m still married – but as they say, one monkey don’t stop no show, and two sets of vows don’t either.

Before you start thinking that I’m about to announce my foray into an open marriage, I have to apologize – it really isn’t that interesting. What I’m referring to is keeping the flame going. Keeping things hot and spicy. Or to quote King Beyonce, “keeping it like it is so you can never say how it used to be.”

Last night, I was playing some music while getting ready for my shower and had a hankering for some Amerie. I started choosing from her debut album All I Have, and instantly was taken back to the summer of 2002. I won’t rehash the story, but you can catch up here. While I lathered up and belted out “Show Me” along with Amerie, I took a stroll down memory lane. That summer of 2002 – the summer when I met and started dating HomieLoverFriend – was one of the most fun, romantic, and enchanted summers of my life. It was like I had my own personal Tinkerbell on my shoulder who sprinkled every day with fairydust, and left a trail of stardust every night. It was nothing short of magical.

Reminsicing made me wonder about that magic. Where does it go after 3 years of dating, an amicable break that turned into an ugly break-up (taking a “break” is a fallacy, y’all), 2 years apart, a reconciliation, 3 more years of dating, an engagement, a wedding, and now this special Bonnie & Clyde thing we’ve got goin’ on now? It might be easy for some to say that the magic fades – but I realized that after all the ups and downs, the magic is what got us and keeps us here.

I think it’s crucial for people in long-term relationships to remember what attracted and bonded you to each other in the first place. The physical things that caught your eye. The anticipation of date nights and looking forward to spending quality time together. Most importantly for me are the acts of intimacy. A hand on the small of your back as you walked through a crowd together? The comfort of conversations spent learning about each other? Sharing physical expressions of your feelings for one another and crossing the various thresholds therein? There’s nothing like it.

The biggest threats to intimacy are pretty much anything else that takes away from the time and effort needed to maintain it. Things within and outside of my control have tried to siphon the intimacy out of my relationship at various points, but as soon as the lack is recognized, it needs to be addresed. For me, I love to think back to what made everything feel magical, and work to recreate that – hence my vow to start dating this year. I want to get dolled up, hit a bar with a jukebox and slow dance. I want to call him on his lunch break and tell him where to meet me after work for surprise rendez-vous. I want to turn off the TV, spread a blanket, and have a picnic in the living room. I want to buy some fly lingerie, get my hair done, and have some sexy time in a sexy hotel room. Oh, my friends – dates will be had and all will be well.

So, how do you gauge the magic quotient of your relationship? Checking in with yourself and each other is crucial. Do you notice that your work schedule has taken away from your time together? Are 95% of your conversations about bills, chores, or to-do lists? Are you both just so settled and comfortable with each other that putting in the extra effort doesn’t seem necessary? If so, switch it up! Give your partner an extra-long kiss before they leave for work. Plan dates, even if you have to carve out specific days in the week to do so. Remember what you did to attract and entice your partner – the pressure may be off now, but that effort is needed to keep the passion going.

After a year that was marked with over-working, stress, and sickness, HomieLoverFriend and I have recommitted ourselves to all things fun and forward-moving in our relationship. Instead of hopping out of bed to work on the laptop on a Saturday morning, we gon’ snuggle up. Instead of having dinner in front of the TV, we gon’ get some candlelight and fine china going on the dinner table (unless Scandal is on). Instead of allowing weeks of work/side-hustles/finances/life stuff to pass without checking in, we gon’ dedicate time for nothing else except each other. You may love your partner with all your heart – but do you act like you’re in love with them? Check in with yourself, check in with your partner, then proceed accordingly.

Let me wrap this up. I have a date tonight, and I’m looking forward to it. That magic quotient (along with my lingerie ownership and likelihood that your call will get sent to voicemail if I’m…busy) is on the rise y’all. Need to get yours up? Start today, and thank me later.

Are you in a long-term relationship? How do you keep the magic and passion alive? Or are you realizing that the fire has dimmed and needs to be reignited? Let me know what you think!

January 11, 2013 

SELF-LOVE: Planting The Seed To See What Blooms

Photo source: Taranco Wellness

Don’t you love personal revelations? That delicious moment when it feels like the fog clears, and sitting right there is a magnificent idea or confirmation of something awakening within you?

I recently had one such moment. This past Monday, I joined in on the Hot n Holistic Spreecast show with awesome special guest Dyana Valentine. The topic of the hour was timely for the beginning of the new year – making your goals stick in 2013. We talked all things resolutions, being realistic, dreaming big, finding a supportive circle and much, much more – but one poignant piece was when we discussed the role that self-love plays in the process of acheiving our goals.

The importance of self-love is something that has never been lost on me, but it was something that I (until recently) could only really pinpoint in others. I’ve known people whose self-deprecating jokes poorly masked a deep-set self-hatred. I’ve had friends who struggled with self-worth and esteem due to personal trauma. I’ve encountered people whose self-love was palpable – it illuminated them without even the faintest sense of arrogance or self-centredness. I can’t count how many times I’ve had conversations over wine with loved ones and used some variation of the phrase “you can’t fully love someone else until YOU love yourself” – but I’ve only recently turned the concept inward and assessed my own levels of self-love.

Insecurities, deep-rooted hurts, and confusing the positives of self-love with the negatives of selfishness all held me back in various ways. There have been moments when I’ve felt lower than low, and couldn’t find a thing about myself to celebrate or be proud of. Then, there have been times when I’ve said “Yeah, _______ is nice, but _______ is terrible!” when comparing aspects of myself. Then finally, there have been instances when I’ve felt damn good about myself, but second-guessed my self-love and turned the dial down so as to remain humble. I never wanted to come across as being full of myself.

Being full of yourself is an interesting idea. We make it sound so negative, don’t we? However, a wise woman by the name of Nikki Giovanni once wrote:

…And he said: you pretty full of yourself ain’t chu.

So she replied: show me someone not full of Herself and I’ll show you a hungry person.

Dyana Valentine said, “there’s something very sensual about this time” in regards to the newfound love of self she’s acquired. She admitted that she hasn’t been “a good girlfriend” to herself lately, and once that started to shift, so many other things did too. Those two points hit me sqaure in the chest, and when I came back across Giovanni’s quote on my Facebook profile, the deal was sealed. I think I’m good at loving the people in my life – but I don’t think I’m that great at loving myself. It’s time for that ship to sail.

Want to see the entire Spreecast show? Click here! You can see Dyana’s comments about self-love at around the 39-minute mark.

I feel that a lot of things have been churning below the surface, and now these things are bubbling up and telling me it’s time to step into that self-love, sensuality, and fullness of self. I’m inching closer and closer to 30, which everyone says is the decade of self-actualization and the beginning of not giving a damn what people have to say. I’m starting to really recognize my gifts and strengths, and I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to appreciate and revel in them. And to be honest, I’ve grown weary of the alternative – feeling bad about myself, feeling empty, and feeling low on worth and value.

I’m finally reconciling my thoughts on my previously held negative connotations of self-love: self-centredness, showing off, arrogance, and the like. What I’ve come to realize is that for me, those negatives all centre around the notion of forcing what I believe about myself onto others. Self-love is not about the brash exhibition of what makes you great. Self-love has nothing to do with anyone except you – the only effect it has on others is when they feel your self-assured, confident spirit and know that they’re not playing with a pushover. Self-love doesn’t take away from your ability to love and care for others – in fact, I believe it affords you an abundance of sincere love and support to mirror onto those in your circle. Without self-love, I found myself in relationships, friendships, and other situations which were not healthy, but I put up with them for one reason or another. With self-love, there isn’t room to put up with anything less than what you deserve, because you know what you deserve. Being full of yourself doesn’t mean you have no room for anyone else in your heart – it means you are living in healthy appreciation of who you are as a unique being. At least, that’s how I see it, and that’s the ride I want to be on for the rest of my life.

Self-love, like almost anything else, is a journey. It’s taken me a while to get to this point of realization, and it’s going to take time to fully immerse myself in the concept. I’m sure things along the way will challenge and test it, but I believe that if I can at least plant the seed now, I will always have the root of self-love within me – regardless of how hard the wind tries to blow the leaves off the tree. Making that decision to plant that seed and settle that root will likely be one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while, and I can’t wait to see what blooms.

What do you think of self-love? How do you define it? Do you think you’re living in self-love, or are you also on the journey? Don’t forget to tune into Hot N Holistic every Monday at 6pm EST on Spreecast for more special guests and discussion!

December 31, 2012 

FARE THEE WELL, 2012: Thoughts On The Year That Was & The One To Come

 

Celebrating New Year’s has always been one of my favourite holidays. When I was little, the excitement of being allowed to stay up late and sip on some fake bubbly was EVERYTHING. On December 31st, I would wake up excited, and that would only build as the hours ticked past. It would all culminate in an insane explosion of screams, laughs, and smiles, as we counted down that final minute before the new year came rushing in.  One year, as we started counting down “10! 9! 8!…” I screamed out “I’m going to pee myself!”, but it was the happiest, most joyful close-call of incontinence ever. When I was little, I didn’t even know what the hell I was so excited for – but I lived for the gatherings with loved ones, the celebration, and the knowledge that I was letting go of what was and wading in the delicious anticipation of what would be. I was a reflective child who grew into a reflective woman – and here I am today, straddling that line between old, known experiences and the mysteries of the new and unseen.

Last year on the blog, I did my 2011 wrap-up in point form, broken down into life category and highs/lows. I knew in my heart that there was no way I’d be able to use that same format to reflect on 2012. To be quite honest (while hopefully not sounding like too much of a Debbie Downer), 2012 was not a good year. If I keep it all the way funky, it was probably one of the worst years on record in the history of Bee. However – through all the struggles, I really learned what it meant to get the lessons out of all the bullsh*t. This year was like a surprise exam I was forced to take, where all of the questions were in languages I couldn’t understand, and I had no opportunity to study. To know that I made it to the end of 2012 in one piece means that I won – so today, I celebrate that.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, the theme of my 2012 was betrayal. Whether it was the betrayal of my own body turning against me health-wise, or some of the people closest to me being active and deliberate in their betrayal of my trust, eye-opening let-downs seemed to be at every turn. I usually love surprises, but the ones I received this year were not on my wishlist. I constantly found myself saying:

“She did WHAT?”

“He said WHAT?”

“The test results were WHAT?”

In the face of it all, I did my best to just keep calm and carry on, but I’d be a damn lie if I tried to act like certain circumstances didn’t leave me feeling torn apart.  However, as corny as it sounds, the sun HAS to come out no matter how long it rains. A number of positive things happened this year too.

I stepped up my writing/freelance game, and got paid for my words. I attended Blogging While Brown and learned to invest in myself and ’83 To Infinity. I had people seek me out for speaking engagements, and worked on my fear of public speaking. I learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with going the distance to take care of yourself or the people you love. I learned that I’m stronger than I realized, and that I can choose to sit in a corner and lick my wounds, or I can wear them proudly as the marks of a warrior.

Like I said earlier, 2012′s theme was betrayal. I learned that anything is possible, in a negative way. For 2013, I’m armed with my vision board and clear goals – but I’m flipping the themes of 2012 into positive ones for the new year. Betrayal will turn into trust – most importantly, trust in myself. I’m telling myself that I can do it, I can go there, I can make the right decisions. If those decisions mean cutting loose the people who’ve betrayed and the situations that have caused me to 2nd guess myself, I trust that Bee knows what the hell she’s doing. And yes – in 2013, the “anything is possible” meme will continue, but in a positive light. As I wrote in a previous post, “thoughts become things”, so I will make it my mission to set my mind onto the positive and manifest my wildest dreams into reality.

Tonight, I plan on reliving that same childlike excitement I held for New Year’s Eve as I did in the past. The bubbly will be real, but the emotions will be nearly the same. Little Bee didn’t know what the hell she was so excited for, but present-day Bee knows that her anticipation for the future lies in the realization that she has made it through everything that has passed. Cheers to the lessons we’ve learned and all the blessings that are to come – and as always, THANK YOU to my readers/supporters/friends for being there with me, whether you knew it or not, through every step of 2012.

We made it, y’all. If for no other reason, let’s celebrate that.

Happy New Year to you all! How was your 2012? What are you looking forward to in 2013? And whatchu gettin’ into tonight? Whatever it is, I hope it will be safe, fun, and full of joy!

December 24, 2012 

LOVE & LIGHT: Holiday Wishes From Me To You!

I LOVE these Ebony Classics “Imperial Collection” vintage Christmas cards!

Photo source: Allee Willis Blog

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house/not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…

I don’t know about y’all, but on the night before Christmas (and the days preceding) at MY house – something is ALWAYS stirring. Lol! The past few days have been full of excitement – from the 12/21/12 Mayan apocalypse mess, to holiday shopping, to the planning and execution of a get-together HomieLoverFriend and I had for some friends and fam, things have been hectic but fun.

Christmas isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year for me, but I make the best of it by taking the opportunity to make other people happy. This year, I have plans for family, friends, and strangers – and I hope that I absorb some of the holiday spirit by seeing other folks smile.

I hope that y’all who celebrate have a very merry Christmas, and for those who don’t, I wish you love, peace, and happiness – blessings that we all deserve regardless of religious leanings. If this time of year is a difficult struggle for you, I have you in my thoughts and hope that you find a bright light that makes these holidays a bit better than you expected.

Now, it’s time for me to do some cleaning, some gift wrapping, and watch the Christmas episodes of Martin, A Different World, and Living Single! Thank you to every single one of you who chooses to read, comment, and share my words – I greatly appreciate it, and the love gives me the warm fuzzy holiday feelings all year round :)

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and above all, be happy, healthy, and blessed!

December 14, 2012 

’83TI UPDATES: Disappointments, Open Doors, & Dreams Come True

Hey y’all! Your girl’s been a bit under the weather lately, but I had to at least try to finish off the week by touching base! Hope everyone is good out there – big hellos to all the new readers and subscribers (likely thanks to cross-publication of some of my pieces on For Harriet and EvetteDionne), and a big heyyyy to all of my regular readers! Thanks for stickin’ around :)

Even though I haven’t been feeling well, some really good things have been in the works. This post will be a hodge-podge of all kinds of different things, but roll with me.

A while back, I read a post by Afrobella (who recently did a keynote speech at the TEDxPortOfSpain in Trinidad!) that talked about dealing with disappointment. This post has stuck with me ever since I read it, and whenever I have news to share, it runs across my mind before I open my mouth. One of Afrobella’s key points was “Don’t share what might happen – share what HAS happened”, and I’ve started to live with this as one of my credos. A while back, I shared something that seemed like a sure shot – the opportunity to have one of my pieces published by The Printed Blog magazine. I had been back and forth with the editors – my piece had been reviewed, shortlisted, and finally had been selected for print. I knew it would take some time for me to get my hands on a copy of the magazine, but I felt sure enough to share the good news with y’all here, and with my people in real life. Unfortunately, I later received an email from the TPB editors that they ended up suffering from funding issues – both my hardcopy magazine and paycheque went up in smoke. Disappointment times a million.

On the bright side, some other new opportunities have crossed my path. In “Coming In From The Cold”, Bob Marley sang “why do you look so sad and forsaken? When one door is closed don’t you know, another is open?” – and this couldn’t be more true. From writing gigs, to some on-screen opportunities and more, a lot of good things are on the way. Now, it’s just time for me to 1) apply a discerning eye and figure out who’s walkin’ the walk and who’s just talkin’ the talk, and 2) show and prove. Disappointments are inevitable – but they will NOT stop you from achieving even bigger and better things.

Recently, I wrote about implementing the Law of Attraction – in case you missed that post, check it out here. I was talkin’ the talk when I wrote it, but made sure that I walked the walk too so that I wouldn’t be a hypocrite. I am here to report to you, that in some MAJOR ways, my thoughts became things – and I know that practicing the Law of Attraction played a huge role. Personally, HomieLoverFriend and I have been making some plans for the future, and needed a few key things to fall into place. I put my mind to it by asking for what we wanted, believing we would get it, and visualizing what it would be like when we received it – and lo and behold, we got the very thing we wanted. DISCLAIMER: No, I’m NOT pregnant. Lol!

With the Ladies On The Rise

Wonderful things also manifested themselves when I started working on my 2013 vision board and 30 for 30 bucket list. One of the items I put on both surrounded public speaking and being a mentor – and I got to indulge in those desires this week. I was asked to speak to the Ladies On The Rise mentorship group here in Toronto, and it was an amazing evening! About 25 girls aged 13-19, along with executive director Marcia Brown and coordinators Angela and Baasima, welcomed me at the North Kipling Junior Middle School, and we got down to business. First, I introduced myself and told the girls a bit about my personal journeys – school, work, blogging, writing, family, culture – then, we got into the task of learning about vision boards and creating a Ladies On The Rise vision board for 2013. They were creative, thoughtful, and energetic, and had TONS of questions for me about natural hair, marriage, school, goal attainment, and more. It was amazing to spend time with the group and show them a new way to look at going after their goals. I knew it was a success when I saw that a lot of them not only cut things out of magazines for the group board, but also for their own personal boards that they wanted to work on. It was such a feel-good evening!

So, there you have it. In a nutshell, that’s what I’ve been up to the last little while, when I haven’t been laid up in bed. If you haven’t liked the ’83 To Infinity Facebook page yet, make sure you do! I post lots of exclusives of what I’m up to, so you can keep up with me there!

So, how have y’all been? What’s fun and new in your worlds? Tell me somethin’ good like Chaka Khan and Rufus!

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