April 4, 2013 

ARTSY-FARTSY: For The Love Of Art + The Mystic Effect Giveaway!

martin-valentine-episode

Do y’all remember the episode of Martin called My (Not So) Funny Valentine? Martin and Gina were celebrating Valentine’s Day, and Gina’s thoughtful gift to Martin was a carved statue of an ass. Not a donkey – a butt/posterior/bamsie/doo-doo maker (just not stuffed inside pyjamas – sorry GFK and U-God). Gina was sharing her love of art with Martin, and while he appreciated the gesture, he was NOT feeling it.

I can relate. When I was 9, I was accepted into an arts elementary school. From grades 4-8, Vocal, Dance, Drama, Visual Art, and Orchestra (I played the recorder, piano, and violin) were regular classes alongside French, Math, Gym, and all the others. We did Shakespeare plays, learned Alvin Ailey choreography, studied art history, and played Mozart and Bach. My younger brother and sister both ended up attending the school as well, so my house was always a continuous hum of violin/tuba/flute practice, with playbills stuck on the fridge and art pieces hung on the walls. My love of art in all its forms grew in those years, but I sadly ended up taking it for granted. Once I left and entered high school, I suffered one of the biggest culture shock periods of my life. Save for the few “art nerds”, no one cared about the things I cared about, and I began to see that there wasn’t much room for the beauty of art in my daily life anymore – unless I created those spaces for myself.

Now, I clearly see and understand my privilege at being able to attend this school (which actually didn’t charge tuition, so I don’t know how they did what they did). I know from talking to friends in high school and university that they weren’t exposed to the kinds of things I was, but most would have loved the opportunity. Even now in adulthood, I engage in conversations with people who wish they could have gone to an arts school – who wish they could play an instrument, or dance, or do a play. My response is, “Well, why the f*ck not?” Like pretty much everything else in life, there’s usually no one stopping you but you. Art has meant so much in my life, and I can only imagine what it could do for others who have been under-exposed to its goodness.

Check out your local dance studios and see if they offer drop-in classes for beginners. See if a university music student will give you lessons on that instrument you’ve been dying to learn. Garage sales and music shops often have decent quality instruments on hand, so you don’t necessarily have to spend an arm and a leg. Want to sing? Join your church choir or check Meetup.com for local singing groups. Drama groups are all over the place for improv or beginners looking to take a few classes to learn the craft. The options are out there – you just have to look!

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In just a few weeks, I’ll be co-hosting The Mystic Effect, an incredible event that combines artistic elements of fashion, film, music, poetry, and dance. This will be the kick-off event for Stacy-Ann Buchanan Productions, and it’s going to be an amazing show! The Mystic Effect will expose you to a variety of Toronto’s up-and-coming artists, giving them a platform to display their various creations to the world. It’s also a charitable event, with part proceeds going towards Urban Arts, a non-profit organization that offers art programming to youth in the city. If you’re looking for an event that will scratch your artistic itch (whether you knew you needed it scratched or not), AND leave you feeling good about contributing to the community, The Mystic Effect is where you need to be!

Since you’ve read this far, I’m going to reward a lucky reader with a ticket for the show on April 28th! All you have to do is comment below or tweet me (@BeeSince83) and tell me your favourite piece of art. It could be a Salvador Dali painting. It could be a Wu-Tang album. It could be a piece of clothing, a dance, or a poem. It could be almost anything! Art is everywhere you look, so let me know your favourite expression of art, and you could win a ticket to The Mystic Effect!

If you want to also purchase tickets, please head to The Mystic Effect website for more details! See you on the 28th!

April 1, 2013 

IT’S A SPRING THING: 4 Things I’m Doing With My Hair This Season

I’m not sure about your part of the world, but we finally got some beautiful spring-like weather in Toronto this weekend! While some of my city-folk got a bit overzealous with the flip flops and tank tops, I couldn’t blame them for being excited to see a change from the dreary winter weather that seems to always overstay its welcome.

For me, spring gets me in the mood for a new look, and I know my hair is begging for a revamped style. Here are a few of the things I’m looking forward to doing with my ‘do this season:

Colour

Colour is always at the top of my list. I’ve never been shy to experiment with colour, and I’m still on the hunt for a stylist who can (and won’t be afraid to) give me the look I’ve been aiming for over the past 2 years. I’m STILL trying to get my Tanika Ray on, so hopefully I can get the look this spring! Leaving the colour application to the professionals and increasing my moisturizing and conditioning practices has never steered me wrong, so I don’t worry too much about my hair health during colouring.

0121tanika tumblr_louz4eND111qi2ckeo1_400 Tanika_Ray+Feb_08_2009

Flat Twists

I have two left hands when it comes to cornrows, flat twists, single braids, and the like. I finally overcame some of my issues when I did my first set of Marley twists, so perhaps I can finally conquer my fear of flat twists. I saw this SUPERCUTE style combining flat twists and flexi-rods, and I cannot wait to try it out for myself! If anyone has any tips on how to master the flat twist, let me know!

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shout out to The Beauty Thesis for the last photo! 

Roller Sets

I haven’t done a good roller set since I had my hair relaxed, but I love the look of bouncy curls! I don’t have a set of rollers, and HomieLoverFriend broke my hooded dryer while we were in the middle of moving, so this might be another option that I leave to the pros!

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Pre-pooing

I used to pre-poo with regularity, but I’ve fallen off. Pre-pooing is the practice of applying conditioning and moisturizing oils (faves: honey, coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil) to your hair prior to washing, which helps to keep your hair moisturized and healthy. I used to have set wash days, so I knew exactly when I’d need to pre-poo. Now, I wash whenever I get the chance, which means a much more random time frame. By the time I decide to wash, there’s no extra time available for a pre-poo – and while my hair has been doing well as is, I think getting back into the pre-poo practice will be even more beneficial.

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As we move into spring, what are some of the new things you’re thinking of trying with your hair? Or is there an old practice that’s fallen by the wayside that you want to restart? Let me know in the comments section! 

March 28, 2013 

4 IN 24: Four “A-ha” Moments That Will Change The Game

Awakening

Within the span of 24 hours (from Tuesday night to Wednesday night), I learned four very important lessons. A better descriptive word might be “revelation”, or as my Auntie Oprah calls them, “A-ha moments”.

These four crucial frames of thought found their ways into my consciousness through various means. While engaging in a Twitter conversation. In the midst of giving advice to a friend. After giving myself a pep talk while driving on the highway. After hearing a phrase repeated over and over again. Four different methods that showed me that messages are all around us, and will seep in once we open up and allow them to.

Leave Room For Surprises

Yesterday morning, I read a great piece on Ebony called “Love, Beyonce Style” by Josie Pickens. I engaged Josie on Twitter (@jonubian) in a discussion about her piece, and discovered that we both had a lot in common with various things surrounding love and life in general (“we’re kindred”, she tweeted to me). As I mentioned to y’all before, I’m working on my control freak issues. Even though I adopted “Let life happen” as my new mantra, I started slipping recently. Instead of letting life happen, I was starting to play my puzzle game again, trying to slot the pieces into the kind of picture I thought I wanted (and needed) to see. During my Twitter chat with Josie, she mentioned the same control issues, but wrote “My morning meditation was centered on the idea that we need to allow ‘surprise’ in our lives.” Immediately, I snapped back into reality and cooled off on the control tip. For someone who loves surprises as much as I do, I was doing a great job at making sure there was ZERO chance that life would ever be able to grant me any. A-ha moment #1.

Do What You’re Good At

I was having a conversation with a friend about the work we’ve been doing outside of our respective 9-5s. We talked about the kind of gelling that happens when you’re doing something you love, and you get feedback from the outside world that you’re pretty damn good at what it is that you’re doing. I said to him,

See, that might be where we’re worrying about the wrong things…so many of us are trying to figure out what our thing is, and wasting time trying to fit square pegs into round holes, simply because we think the round holes are where its at. When you find something you’re good at, it comes naturally to you, you want to learn and grow and do better at it, and people love the shit? To me, THAT’S what your thing should be.

He nodded and agreed, but I was the one who sat back and took in what had just tumbled out of my mouth. I’ve been (am?) that person trying to get in where she fits in while turning a blind eye to the fact that she doesn’t really fit in. That person who has described herself as a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. That person who has beaten herself over the head about things she feels she’s not good at – yes, there’s something to be said about taking on the challenge to do things that are difficult, but there’s another thing to say about the person who continues to self-sabotage by forcing improvement where there probably won’t be any. Am I spending enough time learning and growing and doing better with the things I love and am good at already? A-ha moment #2.

What Speaks To You? 

This lesson somewhat fits with the lesson above. On Tuesday night, HomieLoverFriend and I attended Dwayne Morgan’s Spoken Wordz 4 event. One of the poets (and the only woman on the billing) Lishai started off with a dope piece about the motivations behind being an artist. She kept repeating “What speaks to you?” and I was enraptured. Even my date noticed, and leaned over to whisper “You really liked that one, didn’t you?” Wednesday morning, I was driving to work when I heard an ad on the radio that asked “What speaks to you?” and I immediately flashed back to Lishai. At lunch, I overheard two women talking – in the middle of a mouthful of McDonald’s french fries, one said to the other “So, what speaks to you?” By then, I wanted to yell out “OK! I get it!” – but that would have been crazy. I’m taking that constant repetition of the phrase as a notice that maybe I should be paying attention to, or further investigating what speaks to me. A-ha moment #3.

Expecting Bad vs. Expecting Good

I was on my way to an important appointment on Wednesday evening, and was giving myself a little pep talk while breezing down the highway. Sometimes I feel the need to get my thoughts out in the open, and a 45-minute drive all by myself was the perfect opportunity. I was thinking/talking about how I realize words have so much power – in the past, I’ve been surprised when things I’ve said pointedly came to fruition, and noticed that it almost always happened when I focused on the negative. “Why is it so easy to expect the bad, and not to expect the good?” I wondered aloud. Why is that? Maybe it’s just the way my brain is wired, but it’s so much easier to imagine the worst things happening – meanwhile the best things seem like unreachable, lofty goals. Is it possible to re-wire my brain, and make my hopes and expectations of good things just as possible to manifest as my fears and worries of bad things? All I know is, I’d much rather speak of positive things and see them come to fruition than to give the negative an open-door invitation to my life. A-ha moment #4. 

I reached home on Wednesday night and sat in front of my computer while it hummed and came to life. I’d been scribbling notes and phrases on scrap pieces of paper, and couldn’t wait to get home and into the loving arms of WordPress. Thinking back to these various messages and lessons, one thought came to mind: “Tomorrow is going to be a different day.” If these messages can stick with me longer than it takes to say “A-ha”, that will most definitely be true.

What do you think of these “lessons”? Has anything come to you recently that you’re trying to implement into your own life? 

March 21, 2013 

ARTSY FARTSY: ‘Home Again’ Film Screening Review

HomeAgain
Murphy’s Law: an adage that states that “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” Sometimes it feels that no matter what we do, life throws us lemon after lemon, knocking over the glasses of lemonade we’ve resigned ourselves to and laughing at us in the process. Other times, the choices we make are the things that steer us headfirst into misfortune. Either way, Murphy’s Law finds its way into our lives at one point or another – and this was one of the unforgettable lessons of Sudz Sutherland’s gripping new film, Home Again.

I was lucky enough to obtain a press pass to the film courtesy of Hungry Eyes Film & Television and G 98.7FM. Home Again opens at select theatres across the GTA, Vancouver, and Montreal this Friday, but I was excited to screen the movie in advance.

Home Alone stars Tatyana Ali, Lyriq Bent, Stephan James, Fefe Dobson, and CCH Pounder as various characters who have their lives changed in Jamaica. Marva (Ali), Dunston (Bent), and Everton (James) are 3 deportees from Toronto, NYC, and London England who all find themselves forced back to a country they all left before the age of 5.

Poor decisions (well-intentioned or otherwise) landed the three back in Jamaica, but Murphy’s Law was what welcomed them with open arms. Home Again unfolds itself in their stories which often intersect in interesting ways, and shows us the lengths that people will go to in order to survive – no matter how many times life tries to knock them down.

The husband-wife team of Sutherland and Jennifer Holness wrote a story that was complex without being too messy, and eye-opening without being too invasive. Each character offered such a multi-dimensional view of family, loyalty, relationships, and the deportation process in general that any one could have had an entire film crafted solely around them. Deportation within the diaspora has become such a common theme that it’s hard to step back and really look at the layout of the process until you’re forced to – and that’s what this movie did for me. I recall some of my father’s friends being deported when I was young, but I absorbed it as something that just happened. You shrug your shoulder, buy a few international phone cards, and move on with life. Home Again exposed the audience to the failures of the system on all sides – the “foreign” country’s unfair deportation practices (usually for low-level crimes), family negligence of proper filing of paperwork, and Jamaica’s lack of support for those who return, unfamiliar and lost in a place that they never knew.

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At many times throughout the film, I wondered if any of our protagonists would have a happy ending. Marva left children behind in Toronto, and her Jamaican family is less than supportive. Dunston hopped from one life of crime in New York to another in Kingston. Everton was the private school-educated young man with a promising future whose naivete affected him the most out of any other character in the film. Needless to say, Home Again overflows with searing reality. In real life, not everyone can have a happy ending, and art definitely imitated life in this case. Gang life, sexual abuse, and drug abuse play as vital roles as any of the characters, but Home Again also has its lighter moments. Themes of love and redemption are strong, and there are crucial comedic moments that add a necessary break from the struggles the main characters face.

I loved the small details in the film as well. Caribbean film usually includes subtitles to assist viewers who can’t catch the fast-moving patois. I often find the subtitles to be jarring – slapped on-screen and sometimes removed too quickly to follow what the character is saying. Sutherland incorporated subtitles that seemed to float across the screen – not taking your attention away, but not leaving you lost in the process. I also loved the nuance used with regards to sex and sexuality in the film. I’m no prude, but I’ve grown weary of the gratuitous sex scenes that I’ve seen in other Caribbean film. I may just be sensitive to reinforcing the hypersexualized stereotypes of Caribbean men and women, but it was refreshing to see sexuality played out in a more subdued (yet equally effective) way. The cinematography was utterly gorgeous – though the film was shot in Trinidad, the arranged settings of Trenchtown, Spanish Town, and other areas of Jamaica were beautiful. My biggest concern was how the actors would pull off authentic Jamaican accents, and I was pleasantly surprised for the most part! My ear could pick out a few actors who were clearly Trinidadian playing Jamaicans, and some other cast members fell flat with a bit of their pronunciation, but overall it was great. In fact, the mixture of Torontonian, New Yorker, Jamaican, and British accents were like musical melodies, and was an audible tie to the diasporic reach of Jamaica, and the Caribbean at large.

Home Again had the theatre laughing, gasping, cursing and the screen, and dead silent. The surprises and “did that REALLY just happen?” moments kept us on the edge of our seats and engrossed in the story playing out in front of us. The heartbreaking moments, the difficult-to-watch moments, the moments that gave us respite from the harsh realities of what we were ingesting – it was all laid out in perfect puzzle piece form, with everything eventually coming together to give us one cohesive view. Though Murphy’s Law was prominent for me, Home Again also left me with a strong sense of perseverance and the fact that the next choice you make might just have the power to turn things around. If you’re looking for an amazing film that educates while it emotes and entertains, Home Again is what you need in your life.

 For my Toronto/Vancouver/Montreal peeps, Home Again hits select theatres starting this Friday! PLEASE go out to support on opening weekend, and let the power of Canadian-Caribbean cinema be known! Check the Home Again Facebook page for more details. For my American friends, check the Home Again site to see when the film might be playing in your area. Caribbean cinema is making serious moves – Storm Saulter is seeing big success with the AFFRM-backed release of his film Better Mus Come (which I reviewed last year), so the sky is the limit for Home Again! Definitely let me know what you thought of the film after you see it! 

March 19, 2013 

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Bee’s Event Updates

Hope y’all are doing well! I wanted to drop a quick post off to let you guys know about some of the awesome events I’ll be taking part in this spring/summer! If you’re in the Toronto/NY area and looking for some dope events to hit up, I got you!

TEASE Fridays at Saviari

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Are you single in Toronto? Do you want to meet cool folks in the city without the pomp and circumstance (and screwfacing) that many events here are known for? Starting on March 22nd, I’ll be hosting TEASE Fridays at Saviari Tea & Cocktail Lounge, where you can do just that! TEASE will be a happy hour mixer where you can come in, enjoy some amazing drinks and tea-infused foods, and mix and mingle with some of Toronto’s flyest. I’ll be there to help facilitate conversations and to maintain the flirty atmosphere of TEASE – and to ensure that you aren’t sitting nose-deep in a corner on your phone. This will be the first event in a while where we DON’T want you to tweet, Instagram, or Facebook promote – we want you to *gasp* actually talk to people! If you can handle that, then TEASE is the spot for you!

The Mystic Effect

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Rolling along with the hosting duties, I’ll be the hostess with the mostest at The Mystic Effect – an amazing art show that covers mediums like fashion, film, visual art, music, and dance. The brainchild of Stacy-Ann Buchanan Productions, this show will be on April 28th at Revival Bar, and I can’t wait! If you’re a fan of art in all its various forms, you’ll want to grab your ticket for The Mystic Effect ASAP! Even better? You’ll be contributing to charity. Part proceeds will support Urban Arts, a non-profit charitable youth organization that offers multi-arts based programs that serve to develop youth as artists and leaders. Do some good and whet your artistic appetite at the same damn time!

R Flavour presents Dead Wit Laugh ft. Donnell Rawlings

DWL Donnell

All of the events I’m involved with are special to me, but this one is on another level. I’ve talked about the Dead Wit Laugh comedy shows that had been held at Dazzling Lounge in Toronto last year, but this one is bigger and better – and it’s the creation of myself and my husband! Really and truly, it was his idea to put together a major comedy show  - teamwork makes the dream work, so him and I have been toiling (along with the help of some great friends) to make this show a success. The hilarious Donnell Rawlings (of Chappelle’s Show, The Guy Code, and The Wire) will be headlining the show on June 16th, and guest acts include comedians Nick Reynoldson, Dave Merheje, and Trixx, and spoken word artist Dwayne Morgan. Jay Martin will be our wonderful host, so we have the Toronto talent on lock! The NXNE Festival (Canada’s partner to SXSW) is on board as a partner, so our Dead Wit Laugh show will be the headlining comedy show of the festival week! Early bird tickets are available on Ticketmaster, so I’d better see my local (and international, if you’re making the trip up!) folks there to support!

Blogging While Brown Conference 

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Whew. As if I wasn’t feeling excited and anxious about everything I’ve written about so far, I have this news to add: I’ll be a featured speaker at this summer’s Blogging While Brown Conference in NYC! After attending for the first time last year, I took a leap and submitted a speaker’s proposal…and just when I thought I wasn’t going to be selected, I got the celebratory phone call to say I was in! I’ll be doing a talk tentatively called ‘Cross-Border Conundrums’ which will touch on various aspects of being an international Black blogger and how to maximize our connections across borders and overseas. The world of being a blogger of colour is so much wider in the US, and many people I met at BWB gave me the “There’s BLACK people in Canada?!” question – so I want to do my part to add a bit of diversity to the conference. If you’ll be at BWB this year, lemme know! I need a hotel buddy!

Like I said, a ton of things are on the go, and a lot of hard work is going into each and every one of these events!

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So, there you have it. There are a couple of other things in the works, but as you can see from this post, I’ll be keeping REALLY busy over the next few months! If you’ve got any questions about any of the events I mentioned, let a sista know!

March 14, 2013 

EMBRACING IT: Becoming The Woman Of My Dreams

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I’ve been feeling very womanly lately. I’m not sure if it’s the double-dose of Venus I have in my natal chart via my Taurus sun and Libra rising signs, or if it’s the fact that I’m almost 30, or if it’s the fact that my music choice du jour is anything where I can bust out a fierce, lusty body roll. I caught myself saying “Now, THIS is some grown music!” while listening to Justin Timberlake’s new album The 20/20 Experience, and immediately worried that I was turning into one of those old, crotchety women who yell at kids to get off her lawn – but then I remembered that just a week before, I was in the club hollering 3-6 Mafia and 2 Chainz lyrics and dutty wining for my life. I knew I hadn’t lost much of my youthful joie de vivre, but I’ve just been feeling…different lately.

Everyone tells me it’s the fact that I’m about to hit 30 – the decade which everyone promises will bring you heightened self-realization, confidence, and libido, and lowers the amount of damns you have to give about things and people that don’t really matter. This makes some sense to me, because when I think about the things I’ve both embraced and let go, they fit well with the gifts that the 30s bring.

I’m starting to feel an unfamiliar calmness and – dare I say it – satisfaction with my body. I feel like I’ve been at odds with it for most of my life. It never looked the way I thought it should look. Sometimes it didn’t behave the way I thought it should have behaved. I haven’t deciphered yet if I’ve just conceded the fight and given up, or if I’ve really started to accept myself as is. That’s not to say that I’m not consistently working to improve on what I can improve on, and that’s not to say I’ll never have an “ugh” day ever again, but I’m really starting to feel settled in my body, and I like it.

With that sense of comfort comes a renewed interest in how I present myself to the world. After going to Solange Knowles’ concert a few weeks ago, I realized that I really loved how she looked. I loved the detail in her outfit, the shoes she wore, the mani/pedi she had, the red lip she rocked. I remembered how much fun I used to have with my outer appearance – not for sheer vanity’s sake, but for the sake of looking at myself like a canvas that could become a different masterpiece on a daily basis. I was looking at some vintage photos of Diana Ross in her heyday, and thirsted for a bit of flair and glamour in my life. I can’t remember the last time I got a mani/pedi, or bought new makeup, or got a new outfit – my excuse had been not wanting to spend money where I don’t have to, but I realized I’ve been stifling a part of my creativity that really used to thrive. I found myself on The Fashion Bomb the other day for the first time in what felt like forever – and it wasn’t until then that I realized how much I had been starving myself of the things I love about fashion and makeup and all things pretty. It’s time to turn that around and get my swagger back. Are the kids still saying that?

Forgive the heteronormativity of my next statement, but there’s nothing like the love and support of a good man to make you feel all delicious and womanly. At least, that’s how I feel with me and mine. I continue to get deeper and deeper into what it means to be someone’s life partner – and it regardless of the ups and downs, it feels wonderful. It’s one thing to talk about the roles partners play in relationships, but it’s another thing when sh*t hits the fan and you have to put those words into action. I’m just lucky enough to have someone who moves like a game of Tetris with me – we shift and slot ourselves into whatever space needs filling to ensure that we maintain a solid foundation to build on. Damn. I’ve equated our relationship to a lot of different things, but Tetris is a new one. Anyways, as Martin says, “You feel a calm, don’t ya, like me and Gina! You got somebody that got you!” 

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A newfound confidence and assertiveness has awoken in me lately too. I’ve been finding myself bold enough to cut through the bullsh*t and ask for what I want, say what I like, what I don’t like, what I want more of, or what I never want again. I’m re-creating myself to be the kind of woman who believes that life happens for her, instead of resigning herself to the helpless position of life happening to her. I’m starting to see new areas of life that I can actively take charge in – areas that I can proudly make my own. It’s this confidence and assertiveness that is positively affecting a lot of the other things I mentioned above. Owning my sexuality, my sensuality, feeling a new strength, making my imperfections work in my favour, recognizing my gifts - all of these things are expressed differently now than they ever have before, which – to me – feels like a big part of what grown womanhood is all about.

Since I was small, I’ve held a vision of what I thought the coolest, most beautiful, smartest, funniest, most self-assured and effervescent woman looked like, and I feel like I’m finally starting to morph into her. I’m humbled by the privilege I have of saying that I like the woman I’m becoming, but dammit, I do – and I’m ready to have some fun.

Ladies – regardless of age, do you feel like you’ve grown into your womanhood? Was there a moment when you felt you matured from “girl” to “woman”? What motivated that shift? What does womanhood mean and look like to you?

P.S. The 20/20 Experience is a problem. See my earlier tweet and be warned:

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March 11, 2013 

CREPES, CONVERSATION, & CONTROL: Things I Learned On My Sunday Date

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In Kensington Market, Toronto

In keeping with our mandate of dating while married, HomieLoverFriend and I spent a beautiful Sunday afternoon meandering around the eclectic Kensington Market area in downtown Toronto. I’ve lived in Toronto for 6 years, and this was the first time I ventured to the market (sad, I know) – but I’ll definitely be back. The creative and independent vibe of the area is a fresh respite from the corporate branding mold of other shopping areas in Toronto – and if you like to people-watch and dream up stories about the lives of passers-by like I do, it’s the perfect spot.

Usually, we like to have our dates in the evenings – we’ll hit up a cool dinner spot, check out a movie, or hit a lounge for drinks and slow-dancing in dark corners. However, Sunday lived up to its celestial name and gave us a beautiful, sunshiny day, and I wanted us to take full advantage of it. So, down to Kensington Market we went, where we settled into a quiet corner of a quaint cafe for crêpes, tea, and conversation.

Parking: $3.75

Food and beverages: $15.00

Conversation, and the revelations therein: priceless. 

We’ve both got a lot on the go this year. We’re working on our own separate projects, we have some that we’re working on together, we’re both working full-time jobs, and we’re working to achieve some really important goals in the next 12 months. If you haven’t caught the gist of it yet, we’re doing a whole lot of work. HLF is calm and able to compartmentalize extremely well. I get worked up and my brain plays out like a cerebral Matryoshka doll – one big thought leads to another thought which leads to another and another…

I was in one of those Matryoshka thought patterns during our date. A lot of awesome things are coming to fruition (which I’ll let y’all know about in time), and there are some other potentially awesome things in the works – but they still reside in the land of the unknown. That’s where I struggle. I’m constantly trying to strategize my life to ensure the best possible outcome, and unknowns don’t fit well in my plans. I was talking to HLF about the many different ways things could go depending on how these unknowns play out – “If A happens, then I can do B, then we can do C in about 6 months, and by next year, we’ll have D. OR – If X works out, we’ll wait for Y, and then I’ll do Z. Either way, I’m just trying to play with the various puzzle pieces and see what works the best.”

He looked at me with the most amused face, then said something that really changed the game for me.

“You’re not so good at puzzles. I think you need to try word searches or something, because this jigsaw puzzle thing…it just isn’t working.” He then proceeded to read me for filth and snatch my wig in the most loving way about my issues with control and how it was doing me more harm than good.

life_puzzle

This is something I’ve written about before, and something I continue to work through. I am actively working on relinquishing my need for control, and trying to have more faith that things will work out even if I can’t plan and see every step of the way. HLF asked me about how much faith I honestly think I possess – and I realized it was pretty low. I have a fear of regret, a fear of doing things the “wrong” way – and while I’ve moved past my previous issue of not doing ANYTHING because of my fear of failure, I’m now struggling with the issue of doing things, but trying to control every possible aspect. It’s exhausting. HLF reminded me that I’m smart and resilient and we’re a team – so what I should be focusing on is increasing the faith in myself that regardless of what happens – I (and we) will be alright.

I told HLF about how so many things were going on, and it felt like this was an exhilarating yet really scary time. It reminded me of when I would ride my bike with my younger brother back in the day – we’d race each other and go fast, fast, fast  - and at first it was fun to feel the wind whipping my face and to go so fast that my feet flew off the pedals. Then in an instant, I’d get scared that I couldn’t stop or that I’d fall or otherwise lose control.

Him: “Did you ever lose control? Did anything bad ever happen?”

Me: “Nope.”

Him: “Did you ever win the race?”

Me: “Hell yeah!”

Him: “Well, apply that same thinking to life today. Have your game plan, but don’t be a slave to it. Life will throw curveballs, and you’ve got to be able to roll with them. You know when too much is too much – but don’t let the fears of what you could achieve hold you back. Nothing bad ever happened before, so…” 

He stabbed a piece of strawberry crêpe, swirled it around in confectioner’s sugar, and stuck it in his mouth without realizing that he just opened up the heavens and showered me with a new way of thinking. That bike-riding story had always stopped at my fear of losing control – I never extended it to the fact that nothing bad ever happened. Plotting every step of everything was making me more exhausted than the actual act of doing the things that are within my control. By the time we wrapped up our afternoon date, I had such a clearer view (and dare I say it – game plan) on the things I battle with the most: trusting myself, letting life happen, and easing up my vice grip on the way I think things should be.

And just in case I fall back into hardcore jigsaw puzzle mode, I bought a book of word searches. I really am better at those anyways.

Are you a control freak like me? How do you manage it? If you’re more of a let-life-happen type, let me know how you avoid the trap of being overly controlling! And if you’re in Toronto, let me know what your favourite Kensington Market shop is! The warm weather is coming and I’ll be heading down there more often! 

March 4, 2013 

PRIVILEGE & POSITION: My Debate On…Well, The Black Hair Debate

black-women-washington-post-survey

I’m not sure about y’all, but my Twitter timeline on Friday was taken over by the #blkhairpenn hashtag, full of tweets and thoughts from the University of Pennsylvania’s special event, The Politics of Black Hair Symposium. Guests included professor Anthea Butler, MSNBC show host Melissa Harris-Perry, Patrice Grell Yursik (aka Afrobella), and others – all deciphering, celebrating, and debating the state of Black hair in today’s society. UPenn was very forward-thinking by allowing the entire symposium to be livestreamed on the web, but alas – there was no way I was pulling off watching the event while I was at work. Thankfully, Twitter kept me in the loop – and from that medium alone, it looked like a really intelligent and thought-provoking gathering of minds.

I’m not sure if the #blkhairpenn discussions were the catalyst, but I ended up engaging in a friendly debate with a fellow Tweeter about the seemingly never-ending discussions around Black hair. At the end of the day, I agreed to disagree, but I left the debate wondering about how personal privilege plays into the way we take in conversations around hair. Let me explain.

The points my debate partner made were:

  • The constant “debate” over natural vs. relaxed is tired.
  • Perming (or going natural) doesn’t change who you are as a person or what you’ve accomplished.
  • It’s time to debate over more important things like investing stocks and best ways to earn more money.
  • Linking hair to self-esteem is a point she would pass on, as there are better things to discuss.
  • Hair (for her) is fun, or an expression of mood. It’s not a reflection of worth.
  • Hopefully we reach a stage where the discussion isn’t relevant.

Now, I didn’t totally disagree with some of her points. I do think the surface discussions of “natural vs. relaxed” are exhausting and pointless, because the divisiveness of the “vs.” creates more problems than what one chooses to do with their hair. In that same vein, I also hope we reach a point where the debate isn’t constantly at the forefront. However, I personally feel that the only way we’ll get there is through the discussion and debate, so to deny their worth outright is faulty.

To me, the kinds of discussions we’re having about hair now are new. If we look at our parent’s generation, these debates and expressions of self were not happening the way they are today. I was having a conversation with my mom and one of her friends recently. My mom is in the transitioning process, but still struggles with negative self-talk and isn’t yet able to see the beauty in her natural hair. In the conversation, it was crystal clear that so many notions around hair that my mom and her friend held were deeply embedded from their own childhood and life experiences. They spoke so reverently of the difference with my generation – how so many women my age were proud to own their hair choices without the same anxiety and negativity that they did. Not only was it re-affirming for them to see me and others wear our hair naturally and proudly, it was interesting for them to see women (like a friend of mine) who bounce back and forth from relaxed to natural simply because they want to. Their generation was taught that natural hair was for little girls, and relaxed hair was the only suitable option for upstanding and worthy women. You didn’t choose natural hair (because it wasn’t preferable) and you didn’t choose relaxed hair (it was just what you did). So, to have the discussions about the choices and acceptance and why we choose to do the things we do with our hair – and all of the underlying things that weigh into that – is new, and can’t be discredited in my eyes.

Another thing that I took away from my Twitter discussion was to ensure that I monitor my privilege in these kinds of conversations. My debate partner mentioned that she was able to confidently wear her hair in any way she wished, and knew that no matter what, her style choice wouldn’t affect the trajectory of her life or her self-worth. In her words, she felt other women needed to “get over it and move on”. I applauded her for her confidence, but had to remind her that not everyone shares that same sentiment. For SO many women I know – of all races and cultures – hair is indeed a marker of self-esteem. For Black women particularly, whose hair has been the source of much political and personal scrutiny by ourselves and others, we are just now moving into an awakening of healthy self-esteem – and hair plays a major role. For every woman I meet who says she’s 100% confident in her hair and how she chooses to wear it, I meet at least 5 others who definitely aren’t. Just because my debate partner and I may feel confident, it doesn’t mean that we must force every other woman to hurry up and get over it to join us. Sometimes, I feel we need to put down our privilege and meet people where they are, instead of minimizing their current point of development. If we use that self-confidence to inspire others and introduce them to a new way of thinking that may serve them better, that is much more beneficial than discarding the discussion altogether.

Now, do I feel that every debate or conversation about Black hair is worthwhile? I’ve seen quite a few that, as Kanye would say, have people worried ’bout the wrong things. Combative discussions, “let me talk over you because I think my point is the only correct one” conversations, conversations that are a waste of time because we aren’t even scratching the surface of what needs to be discussed…I’ve seen them all, and leave much more frustrated than enlightened. As I mentioned to my debate partner, I think the conversations are important, but the way we are having them may not be effective. In my eyes, two things will help us move to a place where we can effectively move past the divisiveness and combativeness: we need to have intelligent and honest conversations about hair (like UPenn’s Symposium), and we need those with unbridled self-confidence to share it with those who may need the boost.

What do you think of debates and discussions on Black hair? How confident do you truly feel in the way you choose to wear your hair? Did you tune into the UPenn Symposium on the Politics of Black Hair? What did you think?

February 21, 2013 

SHY STORIES: Confidence & Coming Out Of Your Shell

overcome-shyness

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in familiar territory, but doing very unfamiliar things.

I was sitting in front of my laptop (as usual), my “idea notebook” open with loose pages strewn around me (as usual), tapping my foot and bopping my head to Jay-Z like I do when I’m in work mode (as usual). However, instead of crafting a new blog post or working on a pitch like I might usually be doing, I was working simultaneously on an audition tape and an application to speak at an upcoming conference. For both submissions, I had to go through the awkward process of crafting a biography detailing the work I’ve done.

Now – I could write a whole post detailing the somewhat dual identity I have in life. There’s the woman who goes to work Monday-Friday from approximately 9am-5pm, and then there’s the woman who writes blogs and gets articles published by Chatelaine and speaks on panels and does social media consulting – but I won’t go there today. Work in this instance was work related to the latter-described woman, and as I started documenting all of the non-9-to-5 I’ve done, especially the various speaking engagements I’ve had, I realized something that made me almost giddy.

I’m definitely not the same woman I used to be.

I have always described myself as shy. My parents tell me I was a ham of a baby, and the pictures show it – but my shyness started when I got admitted to a performing arts school in Grade 4. I loved the arts and did well in school – but I usually hated having any kind of attention on me, which has persisted for most of my life. I’ve become used to drawing attention to myself – being a 6-foot tall Black woman with hair and heels that add another few inches usually makes people take notice – but I’ve rarely ever been comfortable enough in my skin to just relax and let it be.

microphone

Public speaking was one of those things that was a major “hell to the nawl” for me. Take, for instance, the speech competitions we had to do in school. I always had so much fun writing them, but the week of speeches left me with a churning stomach and cold sweats until I finally stammered through my piece and booked it back to my desk.

When it came to public speaking, there were so many things I wasn’t confident about. Would I be able to get my words out effectively? Would I sound smart? Would I be interesting? Would I get that yucky pasty white stuff in the corners of my mouth? Would a curse word slip out? Would my habit of talking with my hands get so out of control that it looks like I’m trying to fly away? So many questions, so many concerns, so little confidence.

It’s almost been a year since the first speaking engagement I got as Bee the blogger – not Bee the student or Bee the employee. The first speaking engagement where someone thought I personally represented something of value, and thought I would have something of value to share with them and their circle. Since then, I’ve done panels and podcasts and co-hosted webshows – and it wasn’t until recently that I felt little Bee tug my sleeve and said, “Do you see what you’re doing?” In my mind, I looked back at her, held her hand, and said, “Yes I see it – and I’m doing it, aren’t I?”

Then, while drafting my biography, I realized that the difference between little Bee and big Bee – confidence.

I’ve been feeling a lot more confident these days – much more than I recall feeling previously in life. I feel a change in the way I carry myself, the way I talk, the way I choose who is and isn’t given the priviledge of being in my space. That confidence has slowly become intertwined in the things I do on a daily basis, and now I find myself much more willing and excited to do something that used to make me physically ill – public speaking. Fears of how I am perceived, received, and understood haven’t completely subsided, but those fears are no longer as crippling as they used to be.

The fact that I came to this revelation while submitting an application to speak at a conference (what?) and while submitting an audition tape (WHAT?) is really mind-boggling. Little Bee is somewhere watching and laughing – not at me, but more in amazement at what I’m doing (and trying to do) these days. Coming out of my shell, getting over fears, and having fun with the result makes it all worth it.

Have you been able to get over any specific fears in your life? How much has increased confidence affected fears you once held? 

February 19, 2013 

IT’S ALL IN THE ENDS: Bee’s Trimming Tips

Stop and think – when was the last time you had a trim? Whether done by yourself or a stylist, honestly answer that question. If it’s been a while, this post is for you!

Here’s the deal with trims: I’ve been to too many stylists in my life who confuse “trim” with “haircut”. Since I’ve gone natural, I’ve either attempted to do my own trim, or just hoped for the best when my stylist pulled out the scissors. Lately, however, I’ve been bad. Really bad. And really lazy. I admittedly had an overdue trim that I should have gotten in August…but didn’t get it until my next appointment at Curl Bar Beauty Salon in November. Yikes, I know. I’ve since learned the error of my ways, and I’m here to help you! To borrow from Jay-Z, Bee did that, so hopefully you won’t have to go through that.

Hair ends are the senior citizens of your hair strand, so you’ve got to treat them with the same care and tenderness that you do with Grandma and Grandpa. Sealing/moisturizing ends and doing protective styles that keep your ends away from friction and harsh weather will help, but every once in a while, you’ve got to let those ends go.

For me, not trimming meant:

  • crunchy, crispy ends that wouldn’t hold a twist
  • an audible and tactile difference when combing through my hair shaft
  • ends that frizzed
  • fairy knots and split ends that traveled up my hair shaft
  • drier than usual hair in general

After my long-overdue trim, I found:

  • the ends of my twists coiled perfectly
  • my entire hair shaft felt smooth
  • my hair was more moisturized
  • my twist-outs and Bantu knots were more uniform with no obvious curl difference in the ends

One thing I learned during a consultation at Curl Bar is that our hair ends are the part of the shaft that draw in the most moisture – therefore, if your ends are dry and damaged, you’re limiting the amount of moisture getting to the rest of your hair. 

My happy hair ends!

I’m from the school of thought that there is no one-schedule-fits-all decision on when you should trim your hair. Some trim every 6-8 weeks, some once a quarter, some do mini-trims or dusting once a month, and others trim just as they see fit. I am personally going to commit to trimming once every quarter, whether by myself or at the salon.

Here’s how I’ve always done my own trims:

  1. Thoroughly wash and detangle hair
  2. Blow hair out on medium heat
  3. Set hair in approximately 20-25 two-strand twists
  4. Hold the twist taught and use the width of a pinky finger to measure the length to be cut
  5. Using sharp trimming scissors, snip and continue

Trimming not only helps to ensure the health of my hair, but it makes me even more diligent in taking care of the Grandma and Grandpa of my hair shaft. Moisturizing, sealing, and protecting hair from snagging along my winter scarves and frigid weather becomes crucial, because the more you take care of your ends, the less you’ll have to cut. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have to let go of ends – but hopefully you won’t wait as long as me to get a fresh start!

When was the last time you got a trim? What was the worst trimming experience you ever had? 

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