BROWNSUGAMAMA: One Month Of Motherhood

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I find it really interesting that on the first day of summer, at the same moment the sun was making her ascent, my child decided to make her entrance into the world. I’m sure there will be something in her personality or some serendipitous situation that will bridge the link between that and the conditions of her birth, but for now I call her my summer baby; my sunshine dahlin'; and always, my Little Magician.

I’m someone who can be very wary about making close connections with people. In the past couple of years especially, I’ve been crushed by broken promises and shattered trust, and usually feel more comfortable keeping people at a bit of a distance. That is entirely NOT possible with my daughter, which is honestly kind of scary to me. I’ve never cared about anything the way I care about her. I can’t tell y’all how many times I’ve cried – either slow tears that are easily swept away, or hot streams that leave my whole face red –  because of my love for her. I adore her with my whole being, and often feel I don’t deserve her, or that I’m deathly afraid of ruining her, or that I need to apologize to her for being a shitty mom. I’ve done and said all of those things, and for me, the fear of letting her down in any way is simultaneously my greatest motivator and biggest source of anxiety.

If you’re someone who is already very critical, having a child can lead you down an even more self-deprecating rabbit hole. I felt like a failure because I diverted from my birth plan – I went natural for 90% of the way, then at the last moment quietly begged for the epidural. I had a vacuum-assisted birth, and felt like I could have and should have pushed harder on my own. In the first few weeks, she and I did a ‘getting to know you’ dance around breastfeeding – some days were good, others weren’t. When she wasn’t gaining weight as quickly as expected, I just knew I was doing something wrong and wasn’t providing for her sufficiently. Some days she cries and cries and looks at me desperately with her huge brown eyes as if to say, “Help, mom!” and when I don’t know what to do, I cry along with her and tell her I’m sorry.

The good days, though? Those are GREAT days. Those are the days when she lets me get in an extra half hour of sleep, when she’s not too fussy, when HomieLuva and I are able to just sit together and take in the magnificence of what we created. Everyday she uncovers a new gift about herself, or reveals a gift I possess but didn’t see, or teaches me about life, love, and existence in a way no one else can. Life is in high-definition now – when I think about how she’s seeing the world with fresh eyes, it makes me do the same. Colours are more vibrant, music is more melodic, I feel no ways about dancing like a fool in public to calm her cries, and I hope when she’s older we still dance like fools to make each other laugh.

Everything has happened so fast. The best way to prepare is to admit to yourself that you can’t ever be 100% prepared, and just resolve to do your best. Each day when I wake up, I take a breath, look at myself in the bathroom mirror, and say “She needs you. She loves you. You’ve got this. Just do your best.” The fears and anxieties never fully dissipate, but as corny as it sounds, once she looks at me or squeezes my finger or calms at my touch…I know I’ve got this.

I debated creating a brand new blog to document my motherhood journey, but thought I’d start off by sharing some of those thoughts here on ’83 To Infinity. I’m thinking that I’ll house those posts under the BROWNSUGAMAMA category, so hopefully you’ll check them out of if you’re so inclined!  I’m just a month in and I’ve got a lot to share about my pregnancy, my labour & delivery, balancing motherhood and work, getting in shape post-baby, and so much more. Also, in the vein of creating the things I’m always looking for, I’ll use this space to write from the perspective of a Black Canadian mother unapologetically raising a little Black girl in this world. We’ll see where it goes, but I hope y’all enjoy the new dimensions this topic will bring!

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And don’t forget: Curls, Coils & Cocktails is coming this Saturday! We’ll be celebrating the diversity of natural hair with a panel discussion, performance & Q+A with Saidah Baba Talibah, amazing vendors, yummy food and drinks, door prizes, gift bags and more! Get your tickets here: curlscoilsandcocktails.brownpapertickets.com!

31 FLAVOURS: Discussing The Diversity Of Natural Hair [+ Event Info]

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Dolls by Karen Byrd of Natural Girls United

Next month marks 6 years since I big chopped and started wearing my hair naturally. From my days of scouring Fotki for natural hair inspiration to being an admitted product junkie to salon (mis)adventures and more, the past 6 years have brought me eye-opening lessons in hair care, self esteem, and redefining my personal beauty paradigm. Just when I think I know all I need to know and have seen all I need to see, something comes along and shakes everything up.

This year, the running theme has circled around representation in the natural hair sphere. I hosted a panel discussion of women who choose to rock TWAs, which presented the perspective of women who eschewed the more common length aspirations within the natural hair community. Salon chats highlighted a continued problem with poor representation and acceptance of shorter lengths and tighter textures – noticed most in clients who won’t rest until they find the product that eliminates shrinkage and transforms kinks into loose curls. Twitter conversations with writer and mental health advocate Bassey Ikpi brought up the thought of loc wearers being left out of natural hair dialogue – this became an even greater conversation when Essence Magazine featured Ledisi on one of their May 2014 covers for the Beauty Issue.

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These kinds of discussions motivated me to look at my own thoughts on natural hair beauty and diversity. Admittedly, it was easy for me to see the parallels between previously chasing one beauty “ideal” (long, straight, relaxed hair), then embracing my chemical-free texture but still chasing another “ideal” (big, soft curly hair). Early on, the natural hair blogs, YouTube videos, and Facebook forums I frequented all shared the same goal of embracing your natural hair, but there was always an undercurrent of knowing that there was a hierarchy of expressions within it. Short hair, kinky and coily hair, and locs were on the fringe and seen as somewhat of an afterthought – almost giving off a vibe of  “Oh – I guess we should include one of those, shouldn’t we…” Back 6 years ago, my short hair was just a stepping stone to luxurious growth. My kinky and coily sections were interesting, but were obstacles to hurdle in efforts to blend in with my looser sections. I considered locs briefly, but decided I loved the versatility of my loose natural hair too much to part with it. However, I quickly understood the negative way locs were viewed when family members would ask “Are you going to loc your hair?” with a look that clearly meant “You better not!”

Especially over the past year, a number of women have approached me and shared that they’ve felt excluded from the natural hair world, due to not having the “right” texture, length, or style. Where were the spaces for women who had diverse hair goals, journeys, and needs? Many of them expressed being unable to find them, and some identified feeling as lost in the game as I did 6 years ago when I went natural. In my own way with the opportunities I have available to me, I featured (current and previously) loc’d women on ’83 To Infinity, interviewed a Jamaican beauty queen with an interesting natural hair journey, and hosted a Black History Month event focusing on the big chop and rocking TWAs. When plans started flowing this year’s Curls, Coils & Cocktails event, the same theme of diversity and representation came to mind, and I knew that was the angle we would have to take this year.

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Because the natural hair community is bigger than we give credit for, it was a conscious decision to use the 2nd annual Curls, Coils & Cocktails event to broaden our horizons. Our panel features 4 women – one loc’d, one rocking a TWA, one newly big chopped natural, and one stylist who has worked with all manner of natural hair. Our vendors/partners (Diana Tracy Collection, Eli’s Body Shop, & Curl Bar Beauty Salon) are a diverse bunch – female-owned businesses designed to ensure that you look and feel good from head to toe. We’ll have a new musical portion this year, with a performance and Q & A session with Canada’s funk/rock/soul queen – and dope loc wearer – Saidah Baba Talibah. DJ Sean Sax will be on the 1s and 2s, mix and mingling will abound, sweet treats and eats from Mellycakes will be available, and gift bags (thanks to Clore Beauty Supply) and door prizes will be on hand for attendees! We’ve kept up the practice of highlighting Canadian talent and businesses, and the theme of ‘Dos & Diversity will hopefully achieve the goal of inclusivity that we’re aiming for.

Do we still hang on to colonial ideals of beauty, even within the empowered natural hair world? What are the roots of some of the biases we have against certain style choices? How do we combat the irrational need to chase after styles or textures that our hair is not capable of maintaining? How do we truly begin to embrace and own our natural hair without apology? The answers to these questions and more will surely be discussed on July 26th at Curls, Coils & Cocktails – and hopefully we’ll be able to carve out the kind of space that celebrates us all, whether curly, coily, or otherwise.

Get your tickets to Curls, Coils & Cocktails here! 

BACK AT IT: 2 Upcoming Events You NEED To Be At! [R&B + CC&C]

Hey hey, y’all! This post will be a quickie but goodie – I’m taking advantage of having both hands free and a quiet baby to bang this one out, so pay attention:

As crazy as it may seem, I’m jumping back into the event saddle later this month, and wanted to let you all know about what’s going down!

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On July 19th, I’m back as co-host for the R&B: Relationships & Bullsh*t Show with my homie Lincoln Anthony Blades! The question du jour will be “Can Your Career Satisfy Your Soul Like True Love?” so you know this will be a hot discussion no matter your gender or relationship status. I saw Think Like A Man Too (sidenote: I hate sequels that try to get cute with the “too” instead of “2” or “two” especially when it feels grammatically clunky. Anyways.) recently, and one particular storyline made me think about how relevant this discussion is in this day and age – so I can’t wait to have some fun with this one! Get more info and tickets at www.rnbsummer.eventbrite.com!

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I put on my very first event called Curls, Coils & Cocktails last year with my girl AMC, and have been getting TONS of inquiries wondering if it was coming back. Well, YES! On July 26th, we’ve crafted another awesome Curls, Coils & Cocktails event, focusing on the theme of ‘Dos & Diversity! The original idea for the event was born out of a Meetup.com group I was a part of, and when the group leader was unable to continue with event plans, AMC and I stepped up to put it on. Last year was amazing, and we plan on making this year even better!

It was important for us to focus this year on the diversity of natural hair – often, my friends with locs, short cuts, varying textures, and those who are transitioning with various protective styling methods feel left out of the general natural hair discussion. We wanted Curls, Coils & Cocktails 2014 to be a more inclusive space for us to connect with and learn from each other, so we’ve been working hard on the plans!

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We’ve got:

  • gift bags for the first 50 entrants
  • mix and mingling
  • music by one of Toronto’s beloved DJs
  • carefully curated vendors
  • a mini-consultation booth
  • a panel discussion on the diversity of natural hair
  • a performance and Q&A with Canada’s top funk/soul/rock artist Saidah Baba Talibah
  • door prizes and much more!

Grab your early bird tickets until July 11th before the price goes up! www.curlscoilsandcocktails.brownpapertickets.com

Phew! There you have it – hopefully one or both of these events will tickle your fancy! Grab a ticket or two, and I hope to see you out and about later this month! Any questions? Hit me up!

SHE’S HERE: Little Magician Has Arrived!

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Hey y’all :-)

If you’ve peeped my Facebook, IG, or Twitter in the past couple of days, you’ll know what’s new in my life. Layla the Little Magician made her debut into the world with the sunrise on the summer solstice, and my whole world has been renewed.

I can’t even put into words what the past few days have been like, so I won’t try just yet. All I know is that I’ve never been more in awe, more introspective, more discombobulated, more dazzlingly in love than I have been since she arrived.

Thank you to everyone who sent their well-wishes and positivity to HomieLuva, Little Magician, and I – we can REALLY feel the love!

I’m planning on keeping up with my weekly posts, but there’s a new boss in the household now, so she will play a major role in what gets done and how :) And while my labour was pretty damn smooth (from what I’m told – I obviously have nothing to compare it to!), I’m truly in recovery mode and have to make sure I pace myself.

Don’t forget about me, because I haven’t forgotten about y’all! Until the next post!

AND THE WINNER IS…: 2014 Black Canadian Awards Recap

The best way for me to start off this post is by saying “thank you” – quite literally, if it weren’t for you all this past Saturday would have never played out for me the way it did.

Last summer, I was contacted by the Black Canadian Awards (run via the Diversity Advancement Network). I was going to be honoured as a Role Model in the Black Canadian community, and had also been nominated in the Best Blogger Award category for their 2014 awards ceremony. To say I was floored was an understatement. The majority of my readership and recognition in the blogging world has come from south of the border, so being recognized for my work here at home was an awesome feeling.

We were urged to solicit votes from friends, family, readers, social media followers, anyandeverydamnbody, and I’ll be honest – I kind of balked at that. I’m not the biggest fan of “Who can get the most votes?” methods of award winning, and prefer to be judged on merit and a standard of work. When other nominees have larger social media followings and connections to networks you lack, it can seem very daunting – and the competition in my category seemed fairly stiff. A later email did state that votes plus review from a nomination committee would contribute to winning the award, so I sought votes from you all, but made sure my content and work was the best it could be along the way.

Finally, Saturday June 7th rolled around, and it was time for the Black Canadian Awards! After being rescheduled from the original date of March 1st, I just prayed that Little Magician and I still fit into my hot pink Henkaa dress (doing a version of this style), but luckily we did!

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HomieLuva was my dapper date for the evening, so we headed on down to Toronto’s Queen Elizabeth Theatre and got ready to soak up the night.

Y’all know I keep it 100, so let me get this piece out of the way. There was some level of disorganization that hampered some of my enjoyment of the festivities. Having food available would have been PRIME. Having event organizers easily identifiable would have been WONDERFUL. Maximizing the media that was present and really making use of some of the perks like the nominee limo procession, red carpet walk, and Role Model recognition ceremony would have been AWESOME. The potential for prestige and the necessity of an event such as the BCAs makes these points even more crucial in my eyes, so I hope 2015 is even better.

Anyways – tons of government officials and political figures were in attendance (RCMP, Olivia Chow, John Tory and others), and they took part in the Role Model recognition ceremony. I snagged my certificate of recognition, then hurried to meet the rest of the award nominees for the limo procession, which picked us up and brought us to the awaiting red carpet at the front of the theatre.

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After a bit of schmoozing and a quick munch of some poutine that someone smuggled in provided for me, it was time for the show to start!

Hosted by Sean “Subliminal” Mauricette and Dorothy Rhau, the essence of the awards was to showcase excellence in the Black Canadian community, and I appreciated the diversity of the performers and nominees. “Canadian” events in Toronto can be awfully Toronto-centric, but it was great to see the representation from different parts of the country as well. There was a wide range of variety in the performances and the cultures represented therein, with my fave performances being a dope Azonto dance number by Esie Mensah and the Black Stars, and a wicked vocal performance from Shi Wisdom. Though at times it felt a bit too much like a concert sprinkled with awards as opposed to an actual awards show, it was very entertaining.

So. Let’s get down to the most exciting moment, for me, anyways! Near the end of the night, the Best Blogger Award finally rolled around. I was joined in the category by Nikki Johnson, Tatiana King aka Miss Go 2 GirlTeknique, Brenda Chuinkam, and Darling Nicky. As I mentioned before, I felt I was up against some stiff competition, so while I hoped for the best, I was more than prepared to hear one of the other 5 names called instead. Lo and behold, my name was called as the award winner, and I sat there for a moment still waiting for them to say someone else’s name – it wasn’t until HomieLuva smacked me on the leg and told me to get my ass up and get my award that it actually sunk in!

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I had to hit a jig in the parking lot while singing “***Flawless” at this point. Lol!

Was I even prepared to make a speech? Not at all – but I got through it without rambling on too much. That was the first time I ever accepted an award on stage, but needless to say, I’ve got the taste for it now (cue up the Freddie McGregor one time)! The best part of it was knowing that the support I received from y’all was so strong, and also feeling like my hard work is paying off in new and awesome ways. Maintaining a blog like mine – not celebrity-focused, not fashion-focused, not in one particular niche – and being a Black Canadian blogger who often gets more interaction from people in countries outside of mine, it’s so easy to feel lost in the sauce of this digital world. At least on some scale, winning this award made me see just how much people support and enjoy my digital comfy couch. As one friend said when I issued my Facebook thank you status:

You can thank us by just keeping on doing what you’ve been doing.

So that’s what I plan to do! Here’s to fresh motivation (especially coming off of my best stats day EVER over the weekend thanks to my Race In Canada post) and a continued sense of pride in creating authentic and engaging content. I hope y’all enjoy, and I hope you feel through this blog how much I appreciate the love, support, and constructive feedback.

Thank you again to the Black Canadian Awards – here’s to an even bigger and better show in 2015!

RACE IN CANADA: Where American Media Went Wrong With Justin Bieber

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Being a Canadian blogger/writer with a majority American readership, I sometimes struggle to balance topics that I’m genuinely passionate about with those that will resonate with the lovely people who read my words.

I feel at times that the voices and experiences of Black Canadians get lost in the roar of our cousins to the south. Working to uncover our own histories and cementing our own identities is hard enough – we’re either sucked into the cultural vortex (i.e., being called “African-American” by Whites, which they think is PC but we know is geographically incorrect), or our experiences are negated because we live in ‘Canada’ – a land whose name has apparently come to mean “blessed nirvana where social ills cease to exist.”

The latter was all too apparent this week, as Justin Bieber – or La Bieba, as I like to call him – was seen on two leaked tapes (the first, and the second) dating 5-6 years in the past, referencing “niggers” and singing about joining the KKK.

Rocsi Diaz (of Entertainment Tonight) said that La Bieba “didn’t know better because he’s Canadian,” and granted him a pass.

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Whoopi Goldberg (of The View) tweeted that “Canada didn’t have the same history” with the word as America, and granted him a pass.

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Don Lemon (of CNN) wrote about his soul-burning question – “Are we to blame?” (before editing the original title) – asking if African-Americans and AA culture was the cause of La Bieba’s ignorance, and gave him a pass.

If it wasn’t enraging enough that these media figures were finding ways to paint La Bieba as a poor victim of circumstance or an unaware patsy, they did it while simultaneously minimizing or ignoring what I feel is the true grievance – the prevalence of racism in Canada.

Allow me to enlighten you all in simple terms.

I am a Black woman.

I was born and raised, and still live in Canada.

I spent my first 23 years of life in a small town very close to the smaller town La Bieba is from.

And lastly – get ready to clutch your pearls – racism is alive in Canada. Don’t let our Olivia Pope-level (seasons 1 & 2, not 3) PR fool you.

Covert and overt racism exist here. From being hit with bananas thrown at me from passing cars as I walked to school, to having teachers keep me separate from classmates because their parents didn’t want us fraternizing, to being followed in stores like a thief or outright ignored due to my perceived lack of finances, to most recently when my physical space was violated and both myself and my unborn child were called niggers – I’d love the Rocsis and Whoopis of the world to recognize our reality.

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Visiting my father’s friends – migrant farm workers – who lived in the country surrounding my and Justin’s hometowns, I distinctly recall having to leave before sundown to avoid “trouble.” Ku Klux Klan activity was known and accepted around my town, and it was commonplace to hear young White children holler “Nigger!” from their front yards as Blacks passed by, to the delight and pride of their parents. I see La Bieba in the same light as these children from my past – absorbing learned behaviours and sustaining those lessons as they move through life. To the Don Lemons of the world, please understand that for many of these children, hip hop and African-American culture were not their introduction to racist terms. The red carpet to that entranceway was rolled out by families and communities who instilled in them the ideologies of racism, White privilege, and Black inferiority, long before a sing-along to Jigga My Nigga or connections with YMCMB gave them any level of permission.

Canada’s spectacular PR team laid out the most delicious of cookies and Kool-Aid, and people like Rocsi, Whoopi, and Don took the bait. Canada is not populated by unsuspecting yokels who sing Kumbaya with their multicultural neighbours. Canada is not a place lacking in its own ugly, painful history (and present, to be honest) of disastrous race relations. Canada is not an idyllic oasis that can solely blame the American influence for the soils and stains on its pristine image. Canada is a place where the intent and emotional effect of hurling racial slurs is the same as it is in America, and it is a place where there is no room for the excuse, “He didn’t know any better.”

To Rocsi, Whoopi, and Don: I hope this helps straighten things out.

Signed,

Your neighbour to the north

ETERNAL & EVERLASTING: Rest In Peace, Maya Angelou

Photo via: harlequinteaset.wordpress.com

Photo via: harlequinteaset.wordpress.com

Every once in a while, you come across someone in life who gives off the air of eternity. This could be a person who has preceded and has outlasted many others. It might be a person who may not be present on a daily basis, but consistently pops up in the important nooks and crannies of your life. It may be a person who persevered when life tried and tried to knock them down and drag them out. It may be a person whose wisdom flows like a never-ceasing fountain, always, always providing you with something cool and refreshing when you need it most.

Every once in a while, you may find some such person. Rarely do you find all of these everlasting attributes in one being, but for me, Dr. Maya Angelou possessed them entirely.

The news of her passing stung. Though my common sense knew better, she was always one of the immortals to me – a being who just was and would continue to be until the end of time. It’s a selfish thought, I know – but it’s a testament to the way Ms. Maya gave onto us, both purposefully and unknowingly, for 86 years.

I wasn’t even a teen when I found Ms. Maya. I’m not sure how she came to me, but I remember the day I went to the library, pulled out a crumpled paper scribbled with notes, and asked the librarian for a book called “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.” I cracked open that book, drank in her words, and realized that I had been thirsty all that time. Maya satisfied my personal remix of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and filled me with the desire for more. I got my hands on anything Angelou that I could find, and the transformation began. She wasn’t my only guide in life, but Ms. Maya helped me to discover myself while discovering her.

Photo via: vintageblackglamour.tumblr.com

Photo via: vintageblackglamour.tumblr.com

We came from different times and places, different trials and traumas, but Maya Angelou’s works and life story exposed me to an expression of Black womanhood that was new to me. I was at an age where my limbs stretched and extended towards a 6′ frame like hers, and when I didn’t know what to do with all this length and brown skin and a body that demanded a confidence I didn’t yet possess, I had Maya. When I wondered what it meant to own one’s sensuality, I had Maya. When I wasn’t sure if it was OK to be more than one thing in life, I had Maya. Her very existence was a symbol of possibility, and I carried that with me as I grew from a girl to a woman.

Those possibilities were numerous. Because of Maya Angelou, I saw the worth of telling my own stories from my own experiences. My love of writing and literacy grew tenfold thanks in part to her; she made me want to read more and write better, and when I lacked motivation to do the latter, one quick read of her work was like a gentle smack upside the head to pull it together and be as great as I could be. She exhibited vibrance and trained me up in the ways of being unapologetic in my femininity, my Blackness, and the intersections therein. She knew that life was no crystal stair for us, but taught me how to stand in defiance, dare someone to negate my flyness, and say “I’m here anyways.” She showed me how to be better than I was yesterday, and the discovery of new quotes and anecdotes of hers were gifts. She helped me to be phenomenal, to recognize the authenticity in others, and to not be satisfied with surviving – we were meant to thrive. I agreed with her often, but even in disagreement she pushed me to investigate my convictions and stand firm. Her words saved me from heartbreak, and when I was too stubborn to heed her wisdom her words were a salve for my wounds. Through Ms. Maya, I bloomed and was healed – and though the cycles of life found me hurt and closed in a tight bud time and time again, she reminded me that I could always be open, whole, and full.

Seeing Maya Angelou in Toronto a couple of years ago with the invisible cloak of age across her shoulders, I just figured she’d find a way to accommodate. She’d find a new way to write, to speak, to teach, and to inspire when current methods became too taxing, but that would be it. I regarded her as an eternal fixture but never took her for granted as such, because I figured she had forever to grant us new lessons and to uncover new truths about herself and her life. Alas, reality hit me on May 28, 2014 when I learned that she had stepped behind the veil of this existence, and had moved on to the next.

The more I think about it, I realize she didn’t let me down with her position in my mind as an eternal being. She has found a new method of communication. She did find a way to accommodate. She was able to uphold immortal status. She just showed me that she didn’t have to be here in the physical to do it – her work and her life story will do it for her.

Rest well, Ms. Maya.

THE GAP: Where Are The Black Canadian Mommy Bloggers?

Photo via Huffington Post

Photo via Huffington Post

With Little Magician about to make his or her grand entrance in just a few weeks (where the hell did time go?), I’ve been spending more time online – getting info on Braxton Hicks contractions, finding prenatal yoga videos on YouTube, and sticking my toe into the unfamiliar waters of mommy blogging. Up until now, reading parenting blogs was done with an air of general interest and curiosity, but these days I find myself more drawn to the words and experiences of other moms in the digital sphere.

Sites like My Brown Baby, Mater Mea, Baby And Blog, and Black And Married With Kids have given me awesome insight to the complexities of modern African-American parenthood – but that’s part of my current conundrum. I’m not African-American.

Searching for parenting blogs by Black Canadians has been extremely difficult. On lists like Savvy Mom’s 75 Most Influential Canadian Mom Blogs, Yummy Mummy Club’s 24 Mom Blogs You Should Be Reading, and Reader’s Digest’s list of Canada’s Top 10 Mommy Bloggers, I could only readily identify 2 blogs by Black moms – Peg City Lovely and Globetrotting Mama. I haz a sad.

Visiting the aforementioned African-American blogs often makes me feel like I’m at a summer BBQ with the people who “get” me – those Black moms (and dads) who are navigating the ups and downs of raising Black children in today’s world. However, every once in a while, a post here or there will remind me that I don’t quite fit – like that distant cousin who brings the questionable potato salad to the festivities. Simply put, the African-American experience doesn’t always resonate with my African-Canadian one, and I yearn to balance that with digital offerings this side of the border. That’s proving to be quite difficult, though.

I attended a Canadian blogging conference a year and a half ago, and found that mommy bloggers rule the world up here. I met one Chinese-Canadian mommy blogger and one Sri Lankan-Canadian mommy blogger, but aside from them, the rest were White. Now, I know that that was just my finding at one random conference, but Google searches and requests for referrals from others have yielded very similar results.

Where are the Black Canadian mommy bloggers? Where are the mommy bloggers to discuss how provincial government cuts affect the statistics around Black children and education? Where are the mommy bloggers that have the scoop on cultural programs and events in the city? Where are the mommy bloggers who’ll write about the first time they introduced their babies to cornmeal porridge, yam and fried dumplin? I understand and acknowledge that there are a multitude of motherhood topics that transcend race, but damn – sometimes I want to read about the experiences of parents who more closely share my cultural identity.

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I was having a conversation about this with another mother of colour, and she stated that she’d love to start a mommy blog, but wanted it to be just that – a mommy blog, not a Black Canadian mommy blog. Concerns about alienating potential readers and brand partnerships were at the top of her list – “You’ve got to be careful not to make things too Black up here – I don’t know if people are ready for that,” she said. My response was, “What is ‘too Black’? And how will people ‘get ready’ for us if we don’t make our presence known?” Similarly to people who think that racism will go away when Black people stop talking about race, I feel that Canadians think we’ll truly embody our happy multicultural identity when we stop drawing so much overt attention to our multiculturalism. I could go down a rabbit hole on thoughts around diversity, representation, appealing to the mainstream, access to business partnerships and much more (both within and outside of the digital sphere), but I’ll hold off – for now. All I know is, if I can visit a Canadian mommy blog and be intrigued by a kids’ DIY featuring a Scottish family crest and tartan, why can’t someone visit another Canadian mommy blog and be intrigued by a recipe for a healthy kids’ snack using ackee and saltfish? As a Black Canadian woman, I’m inspired by things totally unrelated to my culture all the time. We do ourselves a disservice when we place a label of normalcy on one cultural offering, and assume that our offering is too different to be accepted – leading us to seek acceptance by assimilation. You (yes, you, reader!) may disagree with me, but I don’t think that should be the blueprint. And if I choose do go down that mommy blogger road, I don’t think it’ll be mine.

Ah, yes. If I choose to go down that mommy blogger road. While searching the web for that particular blog niche, a familiar voice popped up in the back of my head saying, “Be the thing you’re looking for.” Many of the goals I’ve accomplished and risks I’ve taken have all happened because I started out wondering when someone else was going to do them – and this mommy blogger thing might be the next task on that list. Now, I haven’t fully committed myself to the idea or conceptualized what it may look like, but I do know that the best things come to me when I identify a gap and fill it myself. As ’83 To Infinity is already my digital comfy couch, it’s a given that I’ll be posting about the journeys with my Little Magician from time to time – but how far do I want to take it? Until I figure that out, I’ll continue to dabble in the digital offerings on both sides of the border and beyond, and see what other mommies have to say. I’m sure I’ll add my own voice in my own way soon enough.

Who are your favourite mommy/parenting blogs? I’d love to check them out! 

KNOW THYSELF: Birthday Lessons & My Script For 31

So, this past Saturday was my birthday, and I’m still basking in the glow.

There’s something about marking the day of your birth, starting a new revolution around the sun, and having the opportunity to celebrate your own personal New Year’s Day that tickles me to no end. Now, I know not everyone feels similarly – but for me, the period of quiet reflection and delicious anticipation around my birthday is like no other. People close to me – like my cousin Mike who shared the same birthday – no longer have the privilege of blowing out birthday candles, so I embrace every year. 

While I simply planned a group dinner at Lamesa Filipino Kitchen followed by a Teedra Moses concert to celebrate, HomieLuva whisked me out of the house bright and early at 9am for a surprise photo shoot with Lawrence Kerr Photography and spa visit at Toronto’s Rhythm Spa.

The ambiance-setting entrance to Lawrence's studio

The ambiance-setting entrance to Lawrence’s studio

 

A candid sneak-peek shot by HomieLuva

A candid sneak-peek shot by HomieLuva

 

I got me some DELICIOUS cupcakes courtesy of Studio Cakes Bakery!

I got me some DELICIOUS cupcakes courtesy of Studio Cakes Bakery!

 

I loved all the services I received...but my massage was heavenly.

I loved all the services I received…but my massage was heavenly.

 

Had to rock Afrobella's exclusive "All My Purple Life" MAC lipglass for the occasion!

Had to rock Afrobella’s exclusive “All My Purple Life” MAC lipglass for the occasion!

 

I LOVE me some Teedra!

I LOVE me some Teedra!

 

Squeeeeee!

Squeeeeee!

 

Little Magician got some Teedra love too!

Little Magician got some Teedra love too!

 

The Facebook status I wrote the morning of my birthday read:

Hello, 31: that curious point in life where – if you’re blessed – you not only feel like you’ve lived a full lifetime already, but you also feel like you’re just getting started. I’m blessed.

And I truly mean that sh*t.

At different points during Saturday, I felt three things: loved, free, and capable. I feel like I’m at a point where I have a good handle on how I express love and how I expect love to be expressed towards me. I feel like I’m at a point where – though new, huge responsibilities are coming – I possess a sense of freedom that I’ve never had before. I feel like I’m at a point where I believe in my capabilities – I no longer feel like I’m constantly ‘faking it til I make it’ with self-assuredness, but I’m beginning to believe the narrative I’ve created for myself that I am a woman capable of achieving the things I desire. With life about to change in some of the most monumental ways you could imagine, I know that I’m caught up in the flux of life – but at least on May 10, 2014, I felt like I had a good foundation to weather the storm.

31 is going to undoubtedly be an exciting year. I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to be a homeowner. I’m going to be pseudo-funemployed while I take time off for mat leave. I’m going to grow into a better writer. I’m going to expand my media work. I’m going to love up my husband. I’m going to strengthen family (blood and chosen) ties. I’m going to laugh more. I’m going to learn more. I’m going to remember how the risks I took last year paid off, then take some more. 30 felt like the beginning of a new act in the play of life, and I’m excited to co-write the script for 31 with the help of the higher power I believe in.

It’s such a good feeling to know yourself. While I also know that things can and will change, I feel comforted that I can finally look in the mirror and say that I know myself. No more trying on identities to see what fits, and more time acknowledging and accepting the fact that I may not always fit. No more seeking security in jobs or relationships, and more time discovering it by becoming secure in myself. I’m still a work in progress, and I’m constantly learning how to catch or dodge the curveballs life throws, but hey – this “getting older” thing ain’t so bad if you spin it right.

I’m ready, 31. Let’s go.

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COZY BLANKETS: The Curious Connection Between Baby Girls & Our Comfort With Misogyny

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So, I’m rounding the final curve of this pregnancy run, and the experience thus far has been extremely positive. It hasn’t been a complete walk in the park, but I think I’ve handled the changes much better than I ever expected I would. In about 9 weeks, I’ll finally be able to answer the question that so many people seem so fixated on:

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

Interestingly enough, quite a number of people have no qualms about following up with “I hope it’s a boy – girls are (insert negative attribute here).” If there’s one thing that pregnancy has opened my eyes to, it’s been the ways in which we “innocently” uphold misogyny in 2014.

I can’t help but feel that we set our girls up to fail before they even take their first breath. While many mothers playfully ascribe to the old wives’ tale that ‘girls steal your beauty,’ I often hear a bit too much bitter disdain in the voices of moms who believe the statement. On some level, no matter how minute – baby girls suddenly become the enemy. Catch me on a good day, and I’ll undoubtedly hear the commentary that I must be having a boy – that glow! that hair! – eliminating any threat that a baby girl would pose to my vanity.

Aside from the patriarchal messaging around boys being better protectors and having the power to maintain the family name, people seem quite comfortable with embracing misogyny – consciously or unconsciously.

“Girls are always spoiled – they’re too much trouble.”

“Girls these days are too fast.”

“Trust me – you don’t want no girl bringing home no babies in high school!”

Whatever the statement, we suddenly blame girls for qualities that we place upon them; circumstances that are far too often misconstrued by adult assumption; situations that require the equal participation of someone’s son, but places sole blame on someone’s daughter. Let some people tell it, my potential daughter will come into this world naturally primed to be a spoiled, promiscuous slut – but of course, no one means it that way, right?

Curiously, the majority of people I find making these kinds of comments are other women. As women, we somewhat curse ourselves when we curse our baby girls, don’t we? Perhaps we’ve been blamed, chided, knocked down a peg. Perhaps we’ve resigned ourselves to the fact that this is just the way things are. Perhaps in some strange way, we feel we’re preparing our girls for a world that largely works against them by speaking these things over them. All this tells me is that patriarchy and misogyny have become such cozy blankets that we don’t realize when we’re suffocating under them.

From the comfort of our homes in the Western world, we often sip iced tea on our front porches and suck our teeth at the barbaric behavior of our neighbors over there. Girls aborted, abandoned, abducted, raped, and killed – and we wonder, how can people treat precious children that way? How can they not see their worth? While my experiences here in Toronto may not reflect the brutal realities that girls and women face in other parts of the world, I often wonder the same: when we speak negatively about our baby girls, when we burden them before they’re born, when we accept their position as second-class citizens and perpetuate the notion without question – how can we treat precious children that way? How can we not see their worth?

To the friends, elders, and complete strangers who have expressed some level of concern with the possibility of Little Magician being born female, know these two things. One: raising ANY child (especially a child of colour) today comes with challenges that we’ll have to weather, regardless of said child’s sex. Boys and girls have their unique lessons and obstacles, but as a first-time mom, I hardly look at either being easier than the other. Two: as a proud woman who was an awesome little girl, I won’t be complicit in negating my existence by cosigning your misogyny. Wake up, throw off those cozy blankets, and realize that upholding misogynistic and patriarchal ideals stifles both our girls and boys. Deconstruct, unlearn, and let’s help them to flourish, not fail.

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