'83 To Infinity

Part 1 of this post detailed the struggles of merging my pre-wedding life with my post-wedding life. My first and biggest obstacle was figuring out how to go from ’100% DIY’ to someone’s life partner without losing my independent spirit.

When we left off, I was paying bills and giving Mister Man a Ja Rule scowl. Why? Because he reminded me I wasn’t alone anymore.

Alone doesn’t equal lonely, and I thoroughly enjoyed (and still enjoy) my solitude. However, I was so used to doing things on my own that I didn’t know how to share the load with another willing participant. During our pre-marital counseling session, I admitted this out loud for the first time ever. But still, the question remained: NOW what?

Independence as it was taught and expressed to me was about more than being able to buy your own drinks in the club, your own jewelry, or any other tangible item. It wasn’t about the one-off things that you can acquire by yourself, it was about a deeper level of self-sufficiency. Hard for me to put into words, but I saw my mom raise three children on her own, move us from a townhouse into a home that was bigger than the one she shared with my father, take us on trips and make sure that Christmases and birthdays were incredible. Even just thinking about my father, who moved to Canada where he knew no one, and still built a life – I used these things to push myself and say, “I can make it on my own.”

However, that’s me and my typical way of being stuck in history. This is now. I’ve made it this far on my own, and as a married woman, I’m not “on my own” anymore. I always knew I’d have a great life with the Mr. because he was independent and goal oriented and could take care of his business – but I never thought about how things would work when it was time for us to take care of our business. It’s funny, because if the Mr. was the type of man who couldn’t do for himself, I likely wouldn’t have married him – but I would almost be more comfortable because I could still maintain my role as Empress of Taking Care Of Everything.

It’s been a bit difficult to let my guard down, but I’m slowly getting used to sharing life’s load. Having two strong people in a partnership is great, but it takes some time to confirm each person’s role once the celebratory dust settles. There are things that he’s better at, so I let him take the reins. There are things that I’m better at, so I relish the opportunity to make it do what it do, baby. What has helped me the most is to finally reach a level of trust that I’ve never felt safe with before. I’m not constantly waiting for things to collapse, I’m just enjoying each day as it comes. Letting go of that paranoia has helped me to see that my lessons of independence definitely made me the woman I am today, but don’t have to be as rigid as I once thought. An intensely dedicated relationship, married or otherwise, is a living, breathing entity. What you thought on day 1 is not necessarily what you’ll think on day 967 and beyond, and for me, with this lesson, that is a good thing.

Whew. Feels good to get that out! What do you guys think? Has independence ever been an issue in your relationships? I may share some other marriage-minded thoughts in the future, so stay tuned!

Courtesy of Quinntyne Brown Photography

As I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog, I got married earlier this year. I’m at an interesting crux in life where for every friend who is getting married or having a baby, there’s one who is single and loving it (or not). Some of my single friends say “write about your marriage and give us hope that there are still good men/women out there!” and some of my married friends say “write about your marriage  – we can relate and share our experiences!”

Now, I’ve toyed with the idea, but I’ll admit that putting my business out in the internet streets is scary – plus, I have someone else’s comfort level to consider as well. However, I’m constantly driven to write about whatever is on my mind, so I may indulge the requests every now and then. Lucky for y’all who keep asking – today is one of those days.

My current “marriage lesson” is reconciling my independence. And it’s a toughie. Let me explain.

For the majority of my life, I was raised by a single mother. An incredibly strong single mother who instilled in her eldest daughter the values of being independent. As a woman who came to this country on her own, she always relied on self – but that mentality increased tenfold after my parents divorced. Here she was, with three young children to raise, a mortgage to pay, and fall-out from a lopsided divorce agreement. Business had to be taken care of, and she was the only one who could do it. I watched her intently as she moved through life, and never realized just how much I internalized what I saw.

For a couple of years after the divorce, all Mom would do is go to work, come home, cook us dinner, then go to sleep. I remember her sleeping so much that I would often creep to her room and put my finger under her nose to make sure she was still breathing. I’d tuck the covers tighter around her, then creep back downstairs to help li’l brother with his homework, and watch a few episodes of Sailor Moon with li’l sister. I began to feel like Mom Jr., and I loved it. Taking care of people was fun for me. I felt needed, valued, appreciated, and best of all, mature beyond my years. It was my first mini-lesson and proved that I could do it – I could take care of myself and my family.

Fast forward years later to a grown-up Bee. One who learned how to work hard enough to ensure she had enough money to take care of herself. One who learned that you really can’t trust anyone – so beware of anyone who came with a slick smile and easy promises (which, if you looked hard enough, was everyone). One who learned how to make people need her more than she needed them. One who lived on her own, thought “joint account” was an expletive, and never invested ALL of her feelings because nothing ever lasted forever.

Eventually, I found myself in a long-term relationship. Then, I found myself engaged and planning a wedding. And during pre-marital counseling, I found my biggest hurdle: reconciling my independence. I had a man who was similar to me in a lot of ways. Capable, strong-willed, ambitious – but he scared the beejeezus out of me because he wanted to be an equal partner in this life thing. And I had no clue how to let him in.

One night, I was stressing over bills. Calculator out, biting on a pen, and cursing the likes of Rogers and OSAP. He sat beside me, started rubbing my hunched shoulders and said “Why are you flipping out? I’m here. You’re not doing this alone anymore.” I turned to him with a look like:

…but then I realized, “Damn. He’s right. NOW what?”

This feels like a 2-parter. Stay tuned…