Tag Archives: the more you know…*
November 14, 2011 

What Would You Say To The Younger You?

Image: Tom Hussey

Did any of you watch the Black Girls Rock Awards on BET last week? If not, you know how BET is – they’ll run that joint over and over, so I’m sure you’ll be able to catch it some evening when they aren’t playing Soul Plane or that Christmas movie with Gabby Union and Morris Chestnut. Anyways, I digress. Black Girls Rock is an initiative started by DJ Beverly Bond – click here for more details.

In honouring “Black girls who rock” like Taraji P. Henson, Angela Davis, and Laurel Ritchie (president of the WNBA), the audience learned a lot about their achievements and goals for the future. One award recipient took a look back into the past, and it made for one of the show’s most poignant moments.

Tatyana Ali read a letter she wrote to her younger self – click here to see a clip of her acceptance speech. While I loved her words, I wondered, “What’s the point?” I’m used to the childhood games of writing letters to our future selves, sticking them in a time capsule or burying them away in a notebook, then unearthing them years later to see how much things have changed or stayed the same. I thought, “What could you get out of writing a letter to your past self?”

I figured that on a large scale like the Black Girls Rock Awards, it would be great for younger girls to gain some words of inspiration from a woman who has been there. What would regular ole me gain from writing a letter like that to little Bee? Reflection, perhaps? An acknowledgement of how much I’ve grown and learned? Something more? I’m not sure. However, I’m always up for something new, so I wrote my own short letter to little Bee. Like to read it? Here it go:

Dear Bee,

The first thing I have to tell you, is that life gets really, REALLY good. It will make everything worthwhile. Not fitting in has always been a problem for you – but this is what you will come to love about yourself. Don’t waste time trying to be like everyone around you. You will fail, and for good reason. Embrace your quirks and your awkwardness – the sooner you accept these things about yourself, the better things will get.

Travel and see the world. Learn to save your money. Once a month, do something that scares the crap out of you. And stop relaxing your hair – ’cause chiiiiile, if you had gone natural at the age I imagine you to be right now, my hair in the REAL now would be ridiculous!

Say what’s on your mind – if someone hurts you, don’t let it slide. Stop being afraid that people won’t like you if you tell it like it is. In fact, stop trying to please everyone! Don’t be so hard on yourself either. You’re your own biggest critic, but you need to be your own biggest defender.

Like I said, life gets really, really good. Follow your instincts, and love the people who truly love you. You know deep down who is faking it and who isn’t. Keep family (both blood and chosen) close – you don’t know how much you will need them. And live your life! You’ll learn time and time again how short it is…

Love,

Bee.

Interestingly, as I read this to myself again, I realized that some most of these things are things that I still need to work on…I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same…

What’s one thing you would say to the younger you?

October 17, 2011 

The Over-Justification of Natural vs. Not…

(source)

I was out at an event a few days ago, when I ran into a friend of a friend. Though I know she had recently started wearing her hair naturally, here she was, rocking straight hair that looked great!

“Girl – your hair is getting long! You’re really taking care of it!” I said.

When I complimented her on her ‘do, she got really shy and sheepish. She kind of ducked her head down, pulled what I now know was a weave into a nervous ponytail, and started off on a long explanation that I didn’t really ask for.

“Oh, you know, I just needed a break – I do wash n’ gos all the time and it’s getting too cold! I’m still natural underneath though! I still count! I just needed to do something different for a while…and it’s like a, what do you call it…protective style – yeah, it’s a protective style so that I can just protect my curls, you know…”

Awwwwwwwkward. I didn’t ask for alladat. But it did make me take notice of something that happens when I’m around other Black women: the over-justification of one’s chosen hairstyle, especially if they feel “judged” for not wearing their hair naturally.

All too often, I find that when I’m out and about and the topic of hair comes up, a woman with a weave or a relaxer will come across almost apologetically when justifying her hair choice. It almost feels like they think l I’m ‘looking down on them’ for not embracing their natural hair like I have. After this happened multiple times in one week, I had to sit down and take some mental inventory. Was my facial expression set a certain way? Did I not sound sincere when I complimented her hair? Did I do anything to make her feel like she had to explain herself to me?  I couldn’t come up with anything. When I realized that this happened with friends as well as strangers, I figured it likely wasn’t anything I had done directly, but was related to the relatively new perception of me being a natural-haired woman.

It’s similar to how men approach women. With my straight hair, it was “psssssst…”, and with my natural curls, I became a “Black queen” and an “empress”. I feel that women do the same thing, in a way. It’s all good for us to have relaxers and weaves, but once a woman switches it up to wear her hair naturally, there is a different perception. I’ve had women say they wish they could wear their hair naturally. That they would if their hair was “good enough”. That they don’t look good with short hair, so they could never do a big chop. All in all, the sentiment is that natural hair is something out of their reach. Perhaps that perceived unattainability leads some women to feel the need to justify their choices? I don’t know. Whatever it is, it seems to put me in the light of the dreaded “Natural Nazi”, an overzealous natural hair defender, who pities and attacks the ignorance of poor sistas who are slaves to the creamy crack. But I’m not!

I’ve been on the other side as well. Last year I went to the Toronto Natural Hair Show, and had my hair flat ironed at the time. I recall milling about the vendors booths with my homegirl Rowena (of the blog Nubiansoulslocks), who wears locs. More than once, I was assumed to have a relaxer or a weave, and noticed that the tone I was addressed with was different from the tone used to speak to Rowena. I remember almost wanting to preface any conversation with “So, I’m NATURAL, just have my hair flat ironed…” but I stopped myself. To me, it just wasn’t worth it, but as I reminisce now, I can understand where some of the need for explanation comes from. Whether the vendors knew it or not, the vibe they gave to Rowena was “yes, sista-girl!” and with me, it was more “poor thing…she’ll get enlightened soon.”

Sigh. Judgement, insecurity, and misconceptions – so unnecessary, yet so common to the human experience.Women, OWN YOU. All of it. Never apologize for who you are. We’re all learning, growing, and getting better, but always own where you are in this moment.

Do any of you out there know what I’m talking about? Have you ever been on either side of the matter? Why do you think we feel this need to justify ourselves to friends (who should know and love us anyways) and strangers (whose opinions shouldn’t matter)? 

October 5, 2011 

Remember Playing ‘Oregon Trail’ On A Mac? RIP Steve Jobs

Photo via apple.com

I just became an iPhone-carrying member of the Apple World Domination sect this summer, but cannot deny that Steve Jobs was an incredible, amazing visionary. The world has lost one of its most creative, genius minds, and it’s yet to be seen how things will go from this point on.

Watch the video below to see Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford in 2005. I just watched this, and felt him speaking directly to me…maybe you’ll feel it too.

Some notable quotables:

“Sometimes life’s gonna hit you in the head with a brick – don’t lose faith.”

“Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked – there is no reason not to follow your heart.”

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.”

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

Funny how, all due to this man, I went from playing Oregon Trail on a Mac in elementary school to having my period tracked on my iPhone. Technology, art and life will never be the same.

Thank you, Steve Jobs – for your words and deeds. Rest in peace.

October 4, 2011 

What Does It Take To Get To Where You Want To Be?

Photo via succesfulfailures.blogspot.com

The other day, I was having a conversation with an acquaintance who was looking for a new job. She was grateful to have a job, but felt utterly unfulfilled in her current position. She was looking for something that would make her some money AND make her happy (which is possible – eff what you heard).

Knowing that fulfillment struggle all too well, I asked her what she was doing to make her dreams a reality. Her response was:

“Oh, I’m praying on it.”

I nodded, and asked her what else was she doing – to which she replied, “Nothing – I just keep praying that a breakthrough will come.”

I had to sit her down and politely tell her to Wake. The. Hell. Up.

Photo via exministries.wordpress.com

The power of prayer and positive thought is incredible. I believe that you attract what you put out – so the more positivity you give off, the more you will receive. Praying, meditating, positive intention and visualization have all helped me to get every job I’ve had, get through every struggle I’ve had, and has made it so that when things are good, they become GREAT. However, relying on the mental and spiritual work without doing the physical work probably won’t result in too many successes.

It’s not enough to simply think positively, wish for a change, and pray to whatever respective deity you believe in. Granted, there are times in life when it seems like the results we desire are beyond any personal control we may have. I’ve been in those situations as well, and that’s when I’ve really had to rely on the powers of prayer. However, for the most part, if you truly WANT something, I believe you also have to go out there and put some sweat (literal or figurative) into it to reap the benefits.

Photo via sfbayview.com

So many people are looking for jobs. Are you on your Workopolis/Monster/Classified Section grind? Are you out on the scene networking? Are you working on getting a mentor to help you get where you need to be? Are you volunteering or taking supplementary courses to get the knowledge and experience you need? Are you tailoring your resumes to each specific job, or just sending out the same generic one you’ve had forever?

People are out here tryin’ to get chose. Are you approaching AND being approachable? Are you over your past relationships? Do you keep going back to the same musty, lying, cheating, no-ambition-having, neglectful partners that you’ve had in the past? Are you happy with yourself so that someone else can be happy with you?

People are trying to break bad habits. Praying for God to take that cigarette out of your mouth might not be enough. Using visualization techniques to imagine yourself losing those last few pounds probably won’t do it. You have to put the work in to see the results. Start using a nicotine patch, or work on cutting down the smokes. Get up and hit the gym, or click here for my personal fitness routine faves. Wishing away a bad habit or unfavourable practice won’t magically cure you – but positive thinking, introspection, and HARD WORK will get you to where you need to be.

As for the convo with my acquaintance, she felt that I was downplaying the positive effects of prayer, and told me that she “functioned through faith.”

I let her know that faith was an integral part of my personal successes, but I ascribed to another train of thought as well: “God only helps those who help themselves”…but maybe that’s just me.

What say you? Have you found success by solely having faith and thinking positively? What’s your coping method when faced with a struggle or reaching for a goal?

 

September 22, 2011 

Artsy-Fartsy Reviews: Dark Girls

Capping off my weekend, and symbolizing the end of this year’s Toronto International Film Festival, my lady friends and I hit up the last screening of the documentary Dark Girls on Sunday. What an mind-bending couple of hours that turned out to be…

The theatre was packed. Old, young, Black, White, males and females were all in the house. In case you don’t know what documentary I’m talking about (directed/produced by Bill Duke and D. Channsin Berry), here is the trailer:

Now, I was happy to see that the film encompassed more that what I deduced from the trailer. It started from a historical and metaphysical point of view, with a featured psychologist speaking on the level of cellular damage that is carried from generation to generation after a significant trauma – in this case, slavery. The point made was that the colourism we deal with today could be attributed to the damage caused by slavery that has not yet been healed over the years. An interesting take, and a new perspective for me…

The film touched on family – women who received love and affirmation from their loved ones, and women who were told “you’re so pretty…but you’d be BEAUTIFUL if you weren’t so dark…“; love and relationships – showcasing women who felt “invisible” due to their darker tone, and perspectives of men (and boys) who expressed their preferences for either lighter-skinned or darker-skinned women. An interesting scene showed two dark-skinned guys, and one who said he preferred dark-skinned women because he wanted his children “to look like pharaohs…and queens…and with a light-skin girl, that won’t happen.” He then added, “I sound real ignorant right now.”

The film touched on the global aspect of colourism – statistics on the worldwide sales of skin-bleaching agents showed exactly how far-reaching this phenomenon is, and how it directly linked to the after-effects of colonialism. A scene showed a Korean-American girl who spoke about a visit to her parents’ homeland. Because she was more tanned than the rest of the population, she was viewed as an outsider – the Korean ideal of beauty was (is?) to be as white as possible. It was almost shocking to me to hear this girl express some of the same sentiments that I and other friends have had, and look so different from us…

All in all, the documentary made me think, get angry, laugh and tear up – but more importantly, I left the theatre looking at the world and myself with new eyes. Up next for Duke and Berry is a documentary around the colourism issues that Black men deal with, and also a documentary on the topic from the perspective of lighter skinned Black women (called “Yellow Brick Road”). The latter was inspired by a featured ‘Dark Girl’ who recounted a story from high school, when she and her friends would beat up lighter skinned girls, and throw Nair in their hair “just because”.

I do have to say, possibly the most thought-provoking part of the afternoon was the Q&A session with Duke and Berry. Among polite questions of “what was your inspiration?” and “what was the biggest lesson you learned?“, were questions inquiring about the class of the women featured in the film (not sure if this mattered as strongly as she seemed to insist), and a comment from a female viewer that caused a great deal of friction in the auditorium. She stated that she was speaking from her own perspective, but insinuated that a Black Canadian female’s views on colourism would be drastically different from a Black American female. This is not a direct quote, but she basically stated that we here in Canada don’t have the same colourism issues as the US. Perhaps she was functioning off of the meme that Canada is a multicultural melting pot and therefore doesn’t share the same harsh racism that seems to be prevalent in the US. However, as I’ve always said, the idealistic Canadian multicultural embrace is a false comfort. In my view, racism in the US is overt and in your face, while racism in Canada is a covert mission.

Bill Duke disagreed with the young lady in the audience, as did most of the women in the auditorium when Bill asked anyone who experienced any kind of colourism to raise their hands. Interestingly, the commenter (a Black female) did not….and I kind of wished I lived wherever she did.

You can keep up with the comings and goings of the documentary via the Dark Girls website here. I definitely have to say, I’m proud that Toronto was chosen as the world premiere for Dark Girls – TIFF is great for showcasing our city to the celebrities that visit, but I’m even happier that Toronto is recognized as a launching pad for ground-breaking documentaries that provoke thought and discussion around the world.

Did you see ‘Dark Girls’ at TIFF? What did you think? Have you experienced any form of colourism in your life? How much of a role do you think class plays today in the conflicts between darker and lighter skinned Blacks? Do you see a difference between racism and colourism in Canada versus the US? Tell me what you think!

Bonus: Click here to read another perspective on  the documentary and topic of colourism by Rowena aka NubianSoulsLocks!

September 16, 2011 

The Lost, Feared, & Misguided Art of Networking

Photo: Under30Ceo.com

Whether for a corporate or social purpose, networking was never my favourite thing. As a true introvert, the thought of milling about and starting random convos with complete strangers was sweat-inducing. In social settings, it was easier for me to play it cool in a corner with a drink, hang with my friends, and not worry about having to reach out to anyone else. However, when it came to corporate networking events,fun and familiarity were non-existent, so I had no choice but to do the damn(ed) thing.

When I held an Account Management position for an international company, I learned that networking and “schmoozing” (yes, corporate people DO use that term) were vital parts of the game. Because I was so comfortable speaking with my various colleagues, my bosses figured I’d be a natural at networking events.

Not to mention, it was probably a fun social experiment to throw a 6ft tall, twenty-something Black female into the pool of midlife-crisis-afflicted White men and see what happened…another post for another day.

Back to networking. Definitely not natural for me, but I’ve learned it’s much easier than it seems.

At conferences, I’d overhear people going about it ALL WRONG. “So, how about this weather, eh?” or “Say, did you catch that Jays game last night?” were not my ideas of sincere conversation starters. One of the keys to successful networking is to be (or do a damn good job of pretending to be) sincere.  People gravitate more to those who come across as genuine, so don’t fall into the trap of kicking off with a mundane opening.

So, what DO you say to get the conversation flowing? I learned that there is one phrase, guaranteed to get your networking off to a great start:

Your name. That’s it.

A simple, “Hi! My name is ________. How are you?” with a smile will force people to respond. From there, build upon what you have in common: your presence at said conference, party, or event. Chat about the food, the keynote speaker, the venue, the traffic you faced on the way over, whatever. You’re both in the same spot for a reason, so build upon that. Then, if you’re at a more corporate event, or just looking for a way to plug your business, you’ve already established some common ground. This is a much smoother approach than the assault by business card: running up on someone with your card in hand, ready to relay the contents of your resume before you exchange names. An immediate turn-off.

In order to steer the conversation into business-land without feeling fake or forced, there is another magical question that has never failed me:

“So, what do you do?”

The funny thing is that when I’ve asked that in corporate settings, I’m almost always met with the reply: “What – like, for work?” The devil on my left shoulder says “Yes, you idiot. What else are we here at this travel insurance conference for?” but the angel on my right says, “You know, there might be more to this person than just work.” So I let the angel cook, and I usually reply “Sure – work or anything else!” I always get interesting responses. People will always tell me what their employment angle is, but usually throw in a fun tidbit like “…and I play the tuba in a jazz band with my buddies” or “…but my FIRST love is ice fishing!” This just gives you more to build on and adds a more personal touch to the connection.

By this point, you’ve exchanged names. You’ve established some commonalities by chatting about the shared space you’re in. You’ve inquired about their work life, while giving them a chance to feel like a human, not a cubicle troll, and you’ve hopefully gotten the chance to share a thing or two about yourself as well. You’ve maintained sincerity, you’ve been a good listener, and you’ve hopefully attributed something to the person to help you remember their name. But PLEASE. Don’t do this nonsense of using the person’s name in every damn sentence as a memory tool. You sound like a dumbass, and it makes the other person uncomfortable. BE HONEST. If you’re bad at remembering names, own up to it. Do your best to remember – take their card, and write a quick word or two on the back (not in front of them) to help you remember who was who. That’s what works for me, anyways.

As I’ve detailed here, the best networking results come to me when I keep things SIMPLE and SINCERE. You’re a stranger – you don’t need to do a ton of conversational acrobats to blow people away in the first meeting. Also, remember that this is a skill that takes time to build, especially if you’re not fully comfortable in new surroundings with new people. Practice makes perfect, so have your business cards ready, make sure nothing is in your teeth, and get to it!

August 22, 2011 

Abracadabra…

A seemingly frivolous phrase that brings to mind childhood parties with lame magicians pulling rabbits out of hats…but there may actually be some real substance here.

A few months back, I read something on Twitter about the origins of the word abracadabra, and I thought it was B.S. until I did some research. There are a few different definitions (most of them strained), but the most consistent seems to be that the word is based on the ancient Aramaic language, and translates directly from “abraq ad habra” = “I will create as I speak”.

Just another reminder that thoughts eventually become things…