It's sad to say, but I think it's gone missing.
My je ne sais quoi.
I need to get my groove AND my swagger back. Shout out to Stella Payne and Shawn Corey Carter.
I woke up today feeling very blah, and couldn't put my finger on what it was. I couldn't just account it to the dreary weather, or to the fact that I wasn't looking forward to another day cooped up in an office...it was something more than that.
Then I realized - I've lost IT. My spirit, my joie de vivre, that special spice that makes me, me. If you follow me on Twitter (@the_xaymacan), you'll see that my bio reads:
"Encyclopedia Brown + Joan Clayton + rum punch + pixie dust + Jamaican jerk seasoning"
Let's just say, I'm still a nerd (Encyclopedia), and I'm still neurotic (Miss Clayton), but I'm missing all those other elements that bring the fun out in me. It happens to the best of us, doesn't it? Every so often, I think we hit that stride where we get caught up in the monotony of life, and forget about the life of life. I realized today, that was my problem.
I've gotten too wrapped up in the 9-5 grind, the TTC commute, the schoolwork, the dinner prep, the laundry, the "make sure you pay the bills today!", the anxiety of overdue oil changes, the 'forgot my umbrella on the day it's going to pour' struggle, the headaches, the stress, the exhaustion. My days start off tiring and end that way too. So, where am I supposed to find time to remember to be the witty, sexy, and interesting woman that I know I am?
When I got married, I said a silent vow that I would forever be the hot tamale that I am now, so that things would never get boring. Sure, life will bring changes, but I had a plan to always stay on top of my game. Pregnancy? I'm gonna snap that body back like Halle did. Who cares if she has more money and resources than me? I'll do my damnedest to make sure I stay on point. Aging gracefully? Well, Black don't crack first of all...plus, I'll just get on my Angela Bassett grind to make sure I'm the finest senior doing the early morning walk around Scarborough Town Centre. However, I look at myself now, just a few months later...and I'm like, "What happened?" Sitting here with my hair in a bun, UWO sweats, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose while I make dinner, do laundry, and blog. Sigh.
I know that I suffer from Superwoman Syndrome, where I want to be everything to everybody and do it all with a smile. I'm working on it, but I've always been an overachiever and a perfectionist, so it'll take me some time to gain perspective. I have no problem being the "sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no makeup on" chick, but even I know when it's time to switch it up and bust out some sensual feminine sexiness. And that time is now. Being a woman is FUN. It's not just about proving that I can do all and be all.
So what am I going to do about this rut? I'm going to start taking bubble baths. With candles. And a glass of pinot grigio. And Marsha Ambrosius singing in the background. I'm going to try something new with my hair. I'm going to skip our usual Tuesday movie night date and suggest something that requires me to wear stilettos and a hot dress. I'm going to make sure I entice all 5 senses. I'm going to put the bills and school books away early sometimes, and focus on over-achieving in a different light. Basically, I'm going to get my Oshun on.
These types of things are supposed to come easily, aren't they? In this day and age however, all of life's to-do lists get in the way, and we forget what it feels like to just be. I know for myself, I need to take the pressure off. I have to let go of my need to be perfect, to do everything and do it better than everyone, and just allow myself to be crazysexycool Bee.
Ladies - do you suffer from Superwoman Syndrome too? Are you cured, or still in treatment phase? Have you ever lost your sexy? How did you get it back? Hopefully I can update y'all when I reclaim mine...