Not because I regret her presence. Not because I think I'm a terrible mother (well, I have had those thoughts, but that's another #BROWNSUGAMAMA post for another day). No, I looked at my daughter's face as she slept and wondered if I made a selfish mistake to bring her into this world, because I wonder what "surviving while Black" will look like for her. In the case of Michael Brown, John Crawford, Renisha McBride and so many others, it's quite clear that there is still a critical struggle to see the value in Black lives.
I've been glued to all things #MikeBrown and #Ferguson since the news started trickling down - then flooding - my Twitter timeline on August 9th. The fact of the matter is this: Michael Brown, a Black 18-year-old, was shot multiple times and murdered by Darren Wilson, a White cop in Ferguson, Missouri.
Both victim and killer are gone.
One is waiting to be laid to rest after laying in the street for hours post-shooting, after enduring autopsy after autopsy, after using science to shed light on the truths his body holds.
The other has seemingly vanished behind a protective wall of blue, on paid leave while receiving over $100,000 in GoFundMe donations from other police officers, bigots, and racists alike.
Through it all - the mishandling of Brown's body, the attempts to assassinate his character, the lies told by Wilson and the police department, the treatment of protesters in Ferguson, the mixed messages between mainstream and independent media, and the brazen boldness of racists with internet access - I'm not sure how anyone can cling to the claims of living in a post-racial society. If the jig was ever present, it is now up.
It seems that when Black bodies aren't being seen as curiosities to be prodded and examined, they're being seen as threats to be exterminated. Some remain under the belief that respectability politics around pulling up our pants and not dressing like "thugs" and "hoes" will save us, but that negates the fact that Blacks have been harrassed, attacked, beaten, lynched, and shot wearing their Sunday best for decades. Others say well-intentioned yet erroneous statements like "I don't see colour" or "We're all just one race" when neither colour nor race is the issue. The beauty in our differences gets marred by the ugliness of bigotry and racism - and it's that evil that is the real enemy. Do I want to be colourless and melt into one overarching race? No. Do I want to be respected as the brownskinned Black Canadian woman of Jamaican descent that I am? Yes. Frankly, you've got me f*cked up if the only way I can earn my humanity is to erase any flavour of individuality that has been handed down to me by my ancestors.
I'm tired of feeling like I have two strikes against me as a Black woman, and I'll be damned if I allow my daughter to feel the same. I'm tired of worrying about my husband, my brother, my father - living/working both in Canada and in the States, being harassed by police both in Canada and in the States, being feared and having to prove their humanity both in Canada and in the States. I'm tired of snatching the rose-coloured glasses off of people who think we live in a utopia; who think that racism will disappear when victims of racism stop talking about the abuse they experience at the hands of racists. I'm tired of people demanding perfection from Black folk - a perfection that is killing some of us in attempts to attain it, and finding many of us dead in spite of it. I'm tired of deceased Black men and women being put to trial for their own murders, being convicted with harsher penalty than the real criminals. I'm tired of helplessly mourning lives taken by cowards who hold the weapons yet play the victim when face-to-face with skin darker than theirs. I'm tired of being tired and refuse to bow out of the fight. Joining the ranks of Black motherhood in this day and age requires a new burst of energy to protect my child and initiate as much change as possible to make her world a bit better, more liveable, more survivable.
Michael Brown's death will not be in vain. The mobilization and consciousness around the realities of what's happening will undoubtedly lead to some level of change. A conviction in his murder? The end of racism? That, I don't know and highly doubt. But some change is coming. I feel it.
My daughter's life is not a mistake. The enemy will not take my happiness, as was attempted months ago during my pregnancy. Walking down the street, I had an encounter where I was pushed and called "a n*gger with a n*gger baby" by an Asian couple. I will not fear the decision to bring her here, and will teach her to be fearless and unapologetic in her expression of self.
Not sure what more I can say. Rest in peace, Michael. Stay encouraged, residents of Ferguson. Citizens of the world, I'm praying for us all.