LIKE DEAD LEAVES: Doing The Work Of Purging & Pruning
For the past couple of months, nothing has made me feel as good as purging things that I no longer need in my life. Little by little, I've been going through all my spaces - physical, mental, emotional - and clearing out the things that aren't serving me anymore. I haven't felt this light in a long time.
It started innocently enough, with me going through my closets and transitioning from summer to fall. Away went the wispy fabrics that reminded me of warm nights and sunny days, and out came the comfort clothing that enveloped me in hugs each time I put them on. I encouraged myself to undo the emotional ties to my clothing at the same time, and started my grand purge. Things had to go: worn out shirts, way outdated skirts, and pants that I kept around "just in case" when the case for their continued presence never made itself clear. Soon, drawers that were overflowing could shut properly again, things didn't topple off the top shelf of my closet anymore, and laundry was no longer as overwhelming a task. After my clothes were addressed I blazed through my home, de-cluttering my night tables, bathroom cabinets, and office spaces, filling garbage bags with things I thought I needed, but truly didn't.
It felt like I could breathe a bit easier. I liked the feeling, and wondered what else I could let go of.
I started attacking my financial debts with a gusto unseen in recent years. I'm tied to many things, and a lot of them are more suffocating than supportive. Debt was one of those constraints, and I wanted to end that relationship as soon as possible. Having a plan and being utterly serious about sticking to it made all the difference in the world, so seeing positive change each month let me know that some relief was on the way. (This is a wayyyyy simplified few sentences about something that could be its own blog post. But the sentiment stands.)
I decided to let go of some projects I was involved in - some that weren't serving a purpose, and some that had just run their course. In this new season of the purge, I've gotten honest with myself about being busy vs. being productive. There's a comfort in being busy - a comfort that makes it easy to hide fears and insecurities behind stuff. The Bee who's everywhere and does everything is a great cover for the Bee who frets over failure and fears that nothing she does will ever matter. Being busy has only left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated, and I want to be happy, accomplished, and ever-evolving. Shedding some layers of busyness will be good for me, and will help me to uncover the real skill of balancing downtime and productivity.
Finally, I took a look at some key relationships and purged what I needed to from them. In some relationships, I purged my inability to ask for what I want. In others, I purged old grudges and gave elephants in rooms their long overdue exit. Other relationships had to come to an end completely, but the main area of purging was looking at relationships I wanted to keep and finding ways to make them better. There have been some tough conversations and some peering through fingertips as I hit "Send" on an email, but every move was a step towards more freedom, and I feel it now.
The thing with purging is you need to know when to stop. I've gone through multiple areas of my life and pruned the excess and the overdue, but now it's time for the new cycle of life - the resting period before allowing new growth. I've never been a minimalist, but the freedom of letting things go has renewed my excitement at what's to come. There is room for the good things now, and I welcome them. I'll keep them around for as long as they're good to me - and as I've learned about myself these past few months, I won't be afraid to let them go when their time is up.