WHAT'S NEXT: Birthdays And The Promise Of New Days
My mom tells me that she laboured for a fairly long time when I was born. I finally made my grand appearance on the evening of May 10th, then caught my first sunrise on May 11th, beginning my first full day of life.
Whenever I think about what some of the energy of that May 10th must have been like, I see how it recreates itself on nearly every birthday that has followed. The flurry of activity, the anxiety, the flood of emotion, the celebratory well-wishes, the love, and the wondering of "OK - now what? What's next?" May 10th is always a high vibration day, but after that sunrise on May 11th things start to settle into whatever "next" is, the same way I imagine it did back when I was born.
It's felt like I've been labouring for a while. Life has been hitting me with wave after wave of discomfort that must be pushing me towards some kind of breakthrough - at least, that's what I tell myself to have made it through the last 4 weeks with my sanity relatively intact.
There's been the disappointment of reaching the end of a contract at a dope job after hoping that months of renewal plans would pan out, then learning 2 days before contract end that everything had changed. There's the effort it takes to get used to switching a side hustle to a main, and hitting a new stride with freelance and entrepreneurial work. There's the panic that sets in when one of North America's most prominent children's hospitals calls and tells you something might be wrong with the baby still in your womb, the days of anxiety before testing, and the overwhelming relief when everything turns out to be OK.
There's the guilt you feel when you decide to take your toddler out of her regular daycare routine to be financially responsible, knowing that kids are resilient and she'll love the time with Mommy before her sibling arrives, but still wondering how you blinked and became a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. Then, there's dealing with the aftereffects of a car accident. Being rear-ended as a pregnant woman, even in less serious collisions, has a greater impact - thanks to changing centres of gravity and shifting organs and loosened ligaments that are more easily sprained. At least, that's what my physiotherapist tells me, who I see twice a week to stabilize my body - something that seems like an oxymoron because my pregnant body feels anything but stable.
So, I'm here. I'm OK. My babies, both the one breathing oxygen and the one swimming in amniotic fluid, are fine. Nothing has been catastrophic or insurmountable. It's just been a lot in a short period of time, and my true Taurean tendency to have difficulty with change is something I have to keep in check every day. Focusing on everything that life encompasses these days led me to almost forget my birthday - something utterly unheard of, since I generally start counting down on April 10th then celebrate for the whole month of May. Even with all the distraction, this May 10th was still full of those usual birth day energies, but the two that won out were love and "What's next?"
Being reminded that there are amazing people in this world who love me is sustaining. I drank it in and was nourished by it all yesterday. Little Magician sang "Happy Birthday" to me more times than I could count, and every time sounded like the first time to me. And now, it's May 11th. I've seen my first daybreak on this new trip around the sun, and I'm ready to think about what's next. I've been thrown out of my comfort zone and out of alignment, and my plans for what the next few months look like before #BossBaby arrives have been thrown out the window too. Maybe my plans have been thrown away so that my hands are free to catch something else. Maybe my comfort zones needed new, broader boundaries and maybe my alignment will be better now than it was before. Time will tell, but through it all I'm learning more about myself and the people around me than I possibly could without all of these ups and downs.
I have life. I have love. I have another day and another year to do my best in all things and to see myself bloom from the tightly closed bud I seem to have become lately. May 10th was for me. May 11th is for the future. And what a bright one it shall be.